Like a billion little shards of glass, all set on fire.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 7 months. I went into the relationship with a few, but minimal trust issues from my past. On 2 occasions I caught him lying to me. The first time I let it go, I told him we all make mistakes and I could forgive him and believe in his ability to change. The second time I just about flew off the face of the earth in my rage. He cried and begged and apologized. I still didn't know if I believed him, but there was something in "us" that I just wasn't ready to let go. The lies were not awful, they were supposedly to protect our relationship, to keep me from being upset about something. He was in huge trouble but I stayed with him, and we tried to work it out. Working it out involved me having him under pretty heavy surveillance for a while. Maybe it was wrong, but it was the only way I could think of and he was okay with it. I checked his phone, I checked his facebook, he gave me a key to his apartment. Things were finally getting really good. The past few weeks he would hand me his phone and I would just give it right back and tell him I didn't need to look, that I trusted him. I stopped reading in to every little word and instance and I stopped with the paranoia.
Yesterday I was working until 1:30 am (I work at a theater). The last two hours I just wait around for the last movie to end. I texted him, asked what he was doing... he said he was "super tired, i'm actually falling asleep but I miss you". So I think to myself that I should go surprise him, since I'm able to leave work. I thought I heard something when I was walking up to his apartment. The old me would have stayed by the window and listened. But I had moved past that, I was just so excited to see him. I let myself in and the first thing I see is a purse on the floor. He comes out of the bedroom, and behind him is a girl. He acts like it's no biggy, introduces us, and in a daze I just shook her hand. He knows full well that having a girl alone in his apartment is not something I consider appropriate at all. I've confided in him several times my fears that it could happen and he swore up and down that he would never allow that to occur. They were burning a CD on his bed, I was so shocked that I just waited in the kitchen. She went into the bathroom and I took the opportunity to tell him that he needed to get her out immediately. She left.
He says nothing happened and nothing would have happened. She is married. But how can I believe that? Finding that, should I just immediately leave? Is that ever okay? I have a very hard time believing that there's nothing, because he didn't tell me she was over. After the original lies, he always told me when a girl was over with his other friends, if he was meeting one for lunch, if an ex called him or a friend flirted.
I was so mad I was just shaking, I couldn't even cry. And then I realized he was about to just let me go, like a guilty man. He wasn't going to fight for me. He pulled the whole "I can't make you happy, this is me saving you" crap that I never wanted to hear. I drove to work and he just kept texting me that he loves me more than anything and this isn't what he wants, but he has to do it. Eventually I asked him to drive to my work to talk to me, I needed some answers about things. I then found out that the reason I'd never seen anything when I checked his phone is because he changed her name in his phone to a guy's name. He says he did it back when I was very paranoid, before we improved. But that was when I was the most vulnerable, when I needed his honesty the most. And why didn't he change any other girl? Only her. He says that means nothing, but I'm not an idiot.
I'm just dying inside right now. It's confusing, because I was always the girl who wouldn't stand for even a fraction of this. The girl who couldn't understand why anybody sticks around. But I've never had anything like this before. When there aren't lies, he's everything I ever wanted. I've never met anybody who understands me so well... I can be very complicated. Sometimes I get into a very dark place emotionally, and for the first time I have somebody who can pull me out of it in a matter of minutes. Who can pinpoint and put into words things that I didn't even know I was feeling. Who always listens, always pays attention, always makes an effort to prove to me that I'm appreciated. I love him so much, all I want to do is fight for us.
At what point does that just become wrong?