Overthinking...

Overthinking is something I do very often. But, now it's about my boyfriend. He's a really great guy and all my friends tell me how much he likes me... and he's my friend and I care about him... but... I don't know if I can be tied down to him. He's amazing and has a good heart. But I'm starting to think he's obsessing over me a tad... he has already used the three little words... and I told him I was nowhere near ready for that... so he waited about 2 weeks and used it again... so I had to tell him again... and I think that maybe he's looking for a serious relationship and I'm fine with that... but I have commitment issues... Everything I have ever loved, I've lost. And for a while I denied the existance of "true love" and if I fall for him, I know I'll end up hurt and I don't want to make a commitment! I want to have fun! I'm a free spirit and I don't want to be tied down. But, I don't want to hurt him b/c he means so much to me.... What do I do? :upset: I don't want to cut him loose... but I don't want to be tied down either... Ya know what... maybe I do want to break up with him. I just don't want him hurt. There's no way for me to dump him and him me okay about it...

Ok. Lets see here. You dont want to be tied down. But you dont want to loose him... hmm.. Which in turn means that you want to tie him down, but wont let him tie you down. He loves you, and you are affriad he will hurt you. ok. I get it...

First: If you really like him that much dont be scared of anything. There is a supernatural force at work all around us. When you are scared something will happen (him hurt you), it is going to happen. Its an unspoken rule. What you think is what you get. If you think he is totally in love with you and will be with you for all enternity and you the same for him, then its gonna happen. But if either of you is scared the other is gonna leave, then that will happen.

Second: If you really dont want to be with this guy and you seriously want to break up, then do it now. Yes it will hurt him. You are way past the point of not hurting him by leaving. But the longer you stay with him thinking of a way to not hurt him, the more you are going to hurt him when you do leave. Trust me on this one.

Third: Overthinking is not always a bad thing. I do it constantly. Thats mostly why I change my mind alot about alot of things. Its also why I have many many mood swings in 1 day. Thinking can be a bad thing if you let it. But I have learned to control it somewhat. I still think like crazy all the time about everything. Lately I have been able to think to the point of perfect clarity. This is a good thing because nothing gets past me and I understand everything that comes my way. You too must learn to do this.

So yeah.
1) Realize that this guy is not going to hurt you unless you give him a reason to (thinking he will leave is a reason for him to leave)

2) Figure out if you want him or not - and do it today - if you dont want him, leave him now so you dont hurt him any worse than you will tomorrow.

3) Learn to control your thinking by not trying to stop thinking, but understanding everything to the point of perfect clarity.

I hope I helped. Good luck.

I've been thinking about it a lot. And I've come to the conclusion that I do care about him and I do not want us to break up. But, I'm a real free spirit and being bound so tightly to him is suffocating me. So I'm going to talk to him. I want more of a carefree, lose, and happy relationship... which is unlike what we have.. and hopefully he can accept it.. Maybe we went to fast... I think that I just need to sit down and talk to him about slowing down and giving each other some space... Do you think that's a good idea??

**And Billy, you did help a lot, thank you.

Everyone has a different opinion on this situation. Some ppl are loners, some ppl like to have fun but no relationship, and some ppl want a deep relationship.

I personally want a deep relationship. I want to be tied down (in lots of ways, hehe) and to tie the other down and get married. I am a family man to the bone.

But it seems that you are not like this. It is hard for me to give you advice on this part, because honestly, I do not agree with it. I just dont understand how someone can 'be with someone' but 'not be tied down'... Its an oxymoron to me. Thats like saying "I want you to be my boyfriend, but I want you to allow me to see other guys too." This is just my opinion, but I think it is a very bad idea to do this. Either break it off with him to see other guys, or dont see other guys and be with this guy your with now fully. There is no middle ground. Well, there is middle ground, but it just causes alot of pain and confusion for alot of the people involved, and someone is more than likely to get hurt (stds, jealousy, fighting, etc..)

But like I said - different peopl have different views on this subject. This was just my view.

I think you missunderstood me... I'm not going to see other guys. I just want the relationship to be light. I want a deep relationship, EVENTUALLY. I'm just not ready for that. I do NOT believe in cheating on my boyfriend... That's betraying him.. I refuse to do that... I never, ever want to see him hurting... I care about him a lot, I really do! It's just I'm not at a point to be tied down so tightly. I do not want to be seeing other guys when I'm with him... and I don't want him seeing other girls either. I'm crazy about him... but I'm not ready to be in love.

I agree with you completely!!! I would NEVER EVER approve of anything like that.

My girlfriend and I are sort of going through the same thing, but not really (look at my thread in the dumping forum for more if you're so inclined). She can't make up her mind on what she wants. Her indecisiveness is obvious and confuses me, and I will end it with her if she can't figure out what she really wants. He may do the same to you. Not really sure of what your partner wants and what they think of you is a terrible feeling. It causes fear and I think most people are more likely to just end it cleanly and on their terms than be suddenly hit with a nasty surprise down the road...

Well, today, I did the STUPIDEST thing possible... I said to him, "We need to talk." WITH ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF DUMPING HIM. so he was miserable all day, thinking I was going to dump him... But, I finally got a chance to talking to him and he was so happy that I wasn't going to dump him that he didn't even care that I wanted to take things slower and maybe even a step back... I told him I needed a little more space... and he gave it to me. That was wayyyyyyy easier than I thought it would be... guess who freaked out over nothing!!! I DID, I DID!!!

Yes, I tend to overthink and over-react to things as well. I blame all these girly hormones!! blah... lol...

Anyways, its good youu talked to him.... communication is key to any relationship...

What woman doesnt overthink? Shit-I think we all do and its not always bad-sometimes its important to listen to our inner gut feelings.

I cant but help to analyze the hell of out of something-and most times might think the worse of it. But then-its not as bad as you originally thought-such as in your case.

If someone could actually make a pill that will STOP the over thinking process theyd be a billionare...

I don't know what to do.... I thought I figured everything out... but now, there's another guy in the picture... He's really awesome and I like him and all but, I'm not giving my boyfriend up for him... but I feel that just by TALKING to him, I'm being unfaithful to my boyfriend. And that's what I don't want to do. I like my boyfriend... I DON'T want to hurt him

Depends. Do you think that by TALKING to him it will eventually lead up to you cheating on your boyfriend? If so then stay away. I mean, there's nothing WRONG with me going to a party right? There's nothing wrong with a girl trying to flirt with me right? There's nothing wrong with me driving the girl home cause she's drunk, right? There's nothing wrong with me staying there for a few minutes and having some of her cookies cause she invited me in, right? But it's wrong for me to then screw her brains out if I have a girlfriend.

So at what part of that 'chain of events' was it impossible for me with my willpower to turn back? That's the part you need to stop it at. Maybe I could have dropped her off just fine and then drove away, but if I went in then I knew I was going too far. Maybe I should not have driven her home. maybe I should have left the party when she started flirting with me cause I knew that'd be too much.

What you need to do is think of what YOUR limit is. If you think by talking to this guy that you'll be 'wooed' (nice old word, I think it applies here) into his bed, and you don't want to do that to your boyfriend, then don't. Noone's going to get hurt if you DON'T talk to him. But maybe someone will if you do. . .

Alexi

BTW,

If you feel bad even talking to him, then don't. it's that simple. He's not gonna care. Once he gets the idea that you don't want to talk to him, he'll move on to the next girl. And you'll have a clean conscience.

Alexi

i'll be honest with you stolen... you already started to move away from your bf but taking the relationship down a level and now another guy is in the picture? you think that it won't lead to anything but then you are started to develop an interest in this second guy. think really hard about what you want, and what you're willing to lose because if you don't get your mind straight, you won't be the only one that gets hurt. things will be much worst on the other end. raverboy

Illusional... I think something inside me wants to move away from my bf.. which is most likely why I needed to slow things down- to push him away. I think I may want him gone completely...

sfalexi- I know that I wouldn't cheat on him. I wouldn't give in. I know I wouldn't. Sure, I'm tempted but just because there's a temptation doesn't mean I won't ignore it. And i know myself (most days anyway) and I know I wouldn't do that.

But this guy's my friend... I wish I could just stop talking to him... but it isn't that simple. And I liked him before my bf and I even got together and I'm thinking I've made a big mistake. My boyfriend is out of town and he trusts me and I wouldn't cheat on him ever- under no circumstances.... but I feel that I'm being disloyal to him by talking to this guy. I know I'm not doing anything WRONG, but, I feel bad about it.. I wish someone could jump into my brain and figure this out with me... I don't know exactly how I'm feeling to be able to act on it... And when I DO figure out what I'm feeling.. it changes.... I'm royaly screwed.