Rekindling something with an ex?

Uh hi. So... I'm not sure where to start. My ex and I dated for 1.5-2 years (I'm 18 now she's 17), and we broke up last May/June due to me having developed panic disorder and not being able to handle it/being there for her anymore, and her wanting to see what other people were like, I guess. Which is understandable, we're young and I hadn't been very good to her for the last few months beforehand. She did say that she still loved me at the time, but that it was better to let go as it was only causing both of us pain.

I guess I should say that the December before that we sort of broke up for a few days for one of those reasons (panic disorder had just set in). And it was my choice that time.

When we broke up for real the second time, it was somewhat ironic because I had decided the day before that I would quit xanax use (doctor prescribed) cold turkey and get over my anxiety for good. Which has worked greatly, I haven't had a panic attack since last July iirc. So right after the breakup I was having withdrawals and attacks non-stop, and did all the stupid things like begging her to come back, texting her nonstop, etc. I even cut myself once on the leg because I was just that crazy at the time.

Don't I sound attractive and stable? lol Well I'm back to normal now after that horrible time. In our relationship I was actually the stable one who helped her get through her problems.

Then we didn't talk for a couple months, and in September I decided I wanted something of,mine back from her (a stuffed animal I got at birth, very special to me). I asked her if I could come by and get it after school one day and she said she'd be there to give it to me, just to text her before I came. So I did. No response. Come around 6-7pm she said she wouldn't be home and to have her brother get it for me. I was a bit annoyed (because I wanted to see her and knew she'd ditched me to smoke weed haha) and asked if we could see each other to catch up she said she didn't think it was a good idea and that was that. Actually, a week or two later I texted her "Happy birthday! :)" to no response. And THAT was it.

Now it's April of the next year. I hadn't really thought of her all that much in the last seven months. Not until her late father's birthday passed and I wondered how she was doing, then again a week later when I finally read a book that she told me she liked, she thought the main characters were like us which... Well if you've read Looking for Alaska, she's Alaska.

After that I felt like getting in touch with her, I figured a text would be a little weird as I don't have her number anymore (though I remember it, I didn't want to be a creeper). Today I wrote a light and platonic letter just trying to touch base with her and say that I hope she's doing well. A letter seems better to me, I won't have to expect to receive a response this way. Plus it sort of reminds me of the long notes we used to trade when we were just friends.

I know for a fact that she's dated at least two people since we broke up that was during the summer though, so it's most likely a higher number now. I have not dated anyone, just a few crushes that went nowhere. Which is odd because I was the one with experience before we met. lol But that's fine, I've liked being unattached for the most part.

And... Well the reason I'm making this thread is... I sort of want her back... I think. Or I at least want to be able to see her again and maybe be friends again (she broke off from our friend group and made new friends before we broke up, so I haven't seen her since then besides a glance or two at school). She might not be single anyway, but we used to have a great time whenever we hung out with our old best friend, whom I haven't spoken to lately either. Maybe we should all get together?

I haven't sent the letter yet, it having been Sunday yesterday/today. I think I might send it this morning/afternoon. But I'm not 100% sure yet.

Oh. And when we broke up, she also did it because she had begun to do smoke weed, something that I was (without real reason) vehemently against at the time. Now I'm okay with it, I've grown to be more accepting of what people do and like, assuming it doesn't affect their lives negatively. And she's been a 4.0 student before and after she started smoking so it's probably fine. lol

I apologize for my thoughts being so jumbled. My main points are: 1. We haven't talked in seven months. 2. She seems to have done what she wanted to do after we broke up. I.e. Get experience with other people. Because she previously had none. 3. I don't have panic attacks anymore, nor do I use xanax. I have complete control over my life now, or as much as anyone can possibly hope to have. Haha 4. We had a happy relationship for the first year and some change that we were together. She was my best friend for a long time.

If you actually read all of that, thank you, very much. :) What should I do now? My options (in my mind) are: Text her, send the letter, talk to our old best friend about us all getting together, or forget about wanting to contact her.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance guys.

move on because she has. She doesn't need anymore friends, she's got new ones, a new life, new romantic interests, she has no need for you in her life. I have done the same thing, after all my relationships I moved on and have nothing to do with my exes. Go find yourself a new GF instead of clinging onto the past.