Second quessing my break up decision
This is my first time posting in this forum(or any other love related forum for that matter) so first of all i want to say hi to everybody and to thank those who take the time to help me clear my head.I also want to say that english is not my mother language,so please excuse any mistakes that i make and feel free to ask me for any kind of clarification!
Im a 25 years old male,with average experiences in the "field" of women and below average in that of relationships.I was single during the past 2 and a half years with only a few making outs and a couple of one night stands but 7 months ago i met a nice girl(5 years younger) and up until a week ago we were together.I met her at a friends party and thought that she was charming and had a gorgeous smile.I asked her out and much to my delight she accepted.
Our date went smoothly and i could tell she was into me alot but even from the first date,because of her more "revealing" outfit i could tell that her body wasnt really that attractive to me but nevertheless it didnt seem such a big deal,considering her other qualities and the way she seemed to be into me.Right now i want to confess something,i was in dire need of sex and i wanted ALOT OF IT!
The first 5 months passed splendidly.We were totally committed and sweet to each other,we pursuited nice activities like concerts and theater performances together.I think that from the outside we would seem like the perfect couple.We also had a lot of really nice sex followed by unending cuddling.She seemed to be in love with me..Man did she take care of me!She was perfect!I had never had that before and i was really happy to have it.I also found myself getting more and more attached to her,caring for her,genuinely wanting her happiness,doing anything i could to achieve it,always being tender and caring.
But at the same time there was a battle inside me.I felt that i wasnt in love with her(at least in the way i had experienced it before)...I didnt feel that rush in the stomach when i saw her,i wasnt feeling any "true" lust for her despite my enjoying of our sex and i was wishing she had some of the physical qualities of other women i had dated.There was also another thing.I thought i was contributing more "spiritualy" in our relationship than her in terms of general knowledge and ability to discuss matters,art,politics etc but i thought that that was to be expected and she was really bright and mature for a 20 year old.
That battle went in favor of staying with her for 5 months but after that i started feeling that there was no real future between us.I prolonged it for another 2 months because i was hating myself(i still do in a way) for not being able to fall in love with such a great girl who only brings happiness to my life( i cant say that for my former partners),i didnt want to accept that something had to be done and frankly i didnt want to lose her.Being single seemed like a vast frozen wasteland compared to her warmth.
But it was the warmth of a house i was feeling not that of a fire and i thought i needed that kind of fiery passion in my age so i made the INCREDIBLY tough decision to have "the talk" with her.I was totally sincere with her(without the appearance stuff) and although she cried(thus making me do the same) she once again suprised me with her character and THANKED ME for not dragging her along longer.She also said she knew something was wrong from my side and that i was acting in a slightly "distant" manner lately.
I thought about it painstakingly for a month before braking up with her yet here i am,a week later missing her.Missing her laughter and company.Did i do the right thing?Are my current feelings just fear of loneliness or of the inability to find someone so loving again?Or am i just another shallow dude who wants a girl with big breasts and a pornstar-like body to show off to his friends?I found myself indeed not wanting to present her to others so often(though not avoiding it either) and not feeling proud about her appearance!Was this a normal byproduct of my personal taste or a sign of underlying issues i have?Even if i have them,did they determine the outcome or would it happen anyway?Oh my god...
