so here is my problem...
it is hard to be attractive.. wanting to be social, but wanting to skip the sex chapter entirely.
How do you explain that to all the hungry males, that you have no idea how the hormone ranging body feels and you end up alone every time,
because if you are not for it they move to the next hot willing chick?
Am I destined to a lonely life?... being 31 doesn't help..my friends are coupled up or married and I am being a third wheel.
All ideas welcome...:detective
You have no desire for sex?
No sex ever? yikes.
tried out of curiosity....got into serious depression, tried another partner couple of times, once lost 6 pounds in three days..
It all looks like my body is allergic to it...and honestly I have no idea why others are so enthused about it...makes me feel alienated to the human race, but I don't think I can change my allergic reactions...and not willing to try any more..it takes a lot out of me and it is way to stressful
There's no sex allergy. If you're having allergic reactions due to sex it's because you're allergic to semen.
I would not date a woman that I couldn't have enjoyable sex with. It's not the biggest thing in a relationship to me, but it is important for physical and emotional closeness, IMO.
Have you tried therapy?
Seriously, you're missing out.
Hmm.., I think your problem is not knowing "why" you want to skip the sex chapter entierly..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
You can't even understand yourself.., as to why you don't want to have sex..
Don't just throw some random excuse at it.., this is no small issue.., and you need to put in the mental effort to get to the bottom of it..
"all the hungry males"? :surprisedQuote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I hate to break it to you.., but you'll find plenty of asexual men.., and plenty of men with low libido.. Even plenty of men that have been conditioned through child development to look at sex as evil or sinful.., or perhaps lack of sex as good.., moral.., righteous and virtuous..
There's no need to explain anything to these men.., they understand.., they know how you feel more than you yourself know how you feel..
What's interesting is that you would be under the impression or just simply fail to consider these men alltogether.. You have to wonder why you would make a male stereotype such that it conviniently feeds into your most natural desires to feel attractive and sexy.. And then you have to wonder how it connects to you considering yourself "asexual"..
This reminds me of little girls in high school.. One telling the other.. "ugh.., all these guys.. they don't stop bothing me.., I know I'm pretty but it's like they just can't help themselves.. I can't take it anymore!".. The other replying.. "well.. perhaps if you'd close your legs.., they'd stop bothing you.., but I don't know if you'd really like that.., I think the fact that they bother you just makes you feel more pretty.., and you're just willing to do anything to enjoy that feeling"..
In your case.., you really have to first identify.., and then admit to yourself by being honest about what is causing you to be single..
Is it fear of codependency? Are you hesitant to give up control? Do you have trouble trusting the other person? Do you find it hard to accept and admit that you depend on someone else emotionally and sexually? Some people do find that difficult to admit to themselves.. As if it's something bad or some weakness.. a conflict with the whole "no! I'm independent! I don't need anyone! I'm just fine by myself!" mentality.. And then ironically.., the whole.. "it's not fair.. am I just destined to be single and loney?" mentality follows..
Is it lack of understanding of the opposite gender? There were several research papers burried ages ago.., talking about alpha and beta male optimal survival strategies.. The alpha male is actually passive and only mildly selective "alpha females over beta females".., because there's no lack of sexual options for him..while the beta male is sexually aggressive and not selective "anything over nothing".. Can you imagine what a huge ego conflict this presented to the male population? 80% of which are betas!
They couldn't handle it.., they started to act like chicks.., even male academics started to construct a gap between "sex" and "gender".. Sex was the biological definition.. but gender was a social definition.. They dumped incorrect information onto the "masculine" definition to excuse their sexual tendencies and beta nature.. The argument was that sexual aggression was the norm.. and anything less meant you were not a man..
This definition was easy to accept and swallow for 80% of men.., and it met no real opposition from women who embraced it as it made them feel chased.., wanted.., desired.., and sexually powerful..
The only issue to that though.., was the attitude of the two genders towards each other given this misinformation.. It's not too far from the truth.., but it's not exactly the truth.. You end up with a lot of confused men who ask themselves "but I'm not really that sexual" and other men who tell them "yeah.., that means your either gay or not a man".. Or women who feel "he's a guy.., there's only one thing he's interested in"..
It could very well be the case.., that as a consequence of hearing and then accepting misinformation as truth about one gender.., you are trying and testing to see if someone will want you.., without wanting to have sex.. That to you represents their honest commitment and love..
But you fail to consider that sex is not bad nor vile.. It goes beyond physical pleasure.., and the act itself is an expression of full acceptance and love of the other person.. The act of sex is more of a bonding activity than the act of marriage.. If you find someone who feels the urge to have sex for more than just the physical aspect of it.., who feel comfortable enough to share that with you.., who feels emotionally connected enough to choose you.., and you are stuck because of a limiting belief you carry.., then it's expected that their most natural reaction is to actually leave..
I always laugh when I hear something like.. "if he really loves me he'll stay".. No he won't.. If he really loves you.., his feelings will get crushed and he'll leave! If he's desperate.., and just looking for some action wherever he can find it.., and is willing to do anything and put up with anything just to get it.., he'll stay..
You have to clearify and resolve these things in your mind.., that's the good news.., they're just in your mind.., and as you do.., you'll notice how your dating.., romantic.., sex and love life improve..
Yeah.., the sad fact of life.. All the good ones are usually taken.. and it's usually by someone who spread her legs much earlier than you did..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
No worries.. Unbeknowist to those guys.., these women aren't having sex with them because they love him.., but because they just want to manipulate him into marriage.. It won't be long until you see them as just an other divorce statistic..
Hmm.., I think your problem is not knowing "why" you want to skip the sex chapter entierly.. BECAUSE I GET INTO DEPRESSION, BECAUSE I START LOOSING WEIGHT, BECAUSE I OFTEN HAVE A FEELING OF BEING RAPED...NONE OF EMOTIONS ARE POSITIVE AFTER THE ACT..AND IN THE ACT..SORRY BUT I DON'T REALLY FEEL ANYTHING, PAIN SOMETIMES..UNCONFIRMED FACT - VAGINAL CANAL HAS NO NERVES INSIDE..SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHER WOMEN FEEL BUT I CAN'T WAIT IS OVER AND THEN I USUALLY GET A HEADACHE AND WANT TO CRY, BECAUSE I FEEL HURT...
You can't even understand yourself.., as to why you don't want to have sex..
Don't just throw some random excuse at it.., this is no small issue.., and you need to put in the mental effort to get to the bottom of it..
DID THAT..HAD SEEN SEVERAL, NOT ONLY ONE PROFESSIONAL, RED BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT, ASKED GIRLFRIENDS, DID MY DUE DILIGENCE...MY FEELINGS AND ATTITUDES TOWARDS THE SUBJECT DIDN'T CHANGE..BELIEVE ME I WOULD DO A LOT TO FEEL 'NORMAL' WHATEVER THAT IS
Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove
How do you explain that to all the hungry males, that you have no idea how the hormone ranging body feels and you end up alone every time
"all the hungry males"?
I hate to break it to you.., but you'll find plenty of asexual men.., and plenty of men with low libido.. Even plenty of men that have been conditioned through child development to look at sex as evil or sinful.., or perhaps lack of sex as good.., moral.., righteous and virtuous..
WELL WOULD LOVE TO MET AT LEAST ONE..I HAVE COUPLE OF FRIENDS FROM INDIA AND THEY SEEM TO APPROACH THE WHOLE DATING SCENE DIFFERENTLY...AT LEAST I DON'T FEEL THREATENED BY THEM AND FOR THE MOST PART THEY ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND INTELLIGENT PEOPLE WHICH I FIND VERY APPEALING
There's no need to explain anything to these men.., they understand.., they know how you feel more than you yourself know how you feel..
WELL WHERE ARE THEY??? PLEASE COME OUT I DO NT WANT TO FEEL SO LONELY
What's interesting is that you would be under the impression or just simply fail to consider these men alltogether.. You have to wonder why you would make a male stereotype such that it conviniently feeds into your most natural desires to feel attractive and sexy.. And then you have to wonder how it connects to you considering yourself "asexual".. TRUST ME ..YOU WOULD NEVER SEE ME IN A MINI SKIRT NOT EVEN A SKIRT...I WOULDN'T WANT TO GIVE ANY SIGNAL THAT WOULD BE SEXUAL OR TAKEN THE WRONG WAY
This reminds me of little girls in high school.. One telling the other.. "ugh.., all these guys.. they don't stop bothing me.., I know I'm pretty but it's like they just can't help themselves.. I can't take it anymore!".. The other replying.. "well.. perhaps if you'd close your legs.., they'd stop bothing you.., but I don't know if you'd really like that.., I think the fact that they bother you just makes you feel more pretty.., and you're just willing to do anything to enjoy that feeling"..
FYI I DO NOT ENJOY THE FEELING..IF SOMEBODY MAKES A REMARK THAT I AM SEXY..I AM OUT OF THERE
In your case.., you really have to first identify.., and then admit to yourself by being honest about what is causing you to be single..
NEVER BEEN INTERESTED IN DATING FROM THE GET GO..WHEN I WAS YOUNGER MY FRIENDS- BOYS..IF THEY WOULD START TO LOOK AT ME IN ANY DIFFERENT WAY THAN AS A FRIEND, I DIDN'T TALK TO THEM ANYMORE
Is it fear of codependency? Are you hesitant to give up control? Do you have trouble trusting the other person? Do you find it hard to accept and admit that you depend on someone else emotionally and sexually? Some people do find that difficult to admit to themselves.. As if it's something bad or some weakness.. a conflict with the whole "no! I'm independent! I don't need anyone! I'm just fine by myself!" mentality.. And then ironically.., the whole.. "it's not fair.. am I just destined to be single and loney?" mentality follows..
I DON'T MIND BEING SINGLE..IT DOES GET LONELY SOMETIMES, I
DO HAVE MORE DISMISSIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE..I CAN'T STAND OR UNDERSTAND NEEDY PEOPLE
Is it lack of understanding of the opposite gender? There were several research papers burried ages ago.., talking about alpha and beta male optimal survival strategies.. The alpha male is actually passive and only mildly selective "alpha females over beta females".., because there's no lack of sexual options for him..while the beta male is sexually aggressive and not selective "anything over nothing".. Can you imagine what a huge ego conflict this presented to the male population? 80% of which are betas!
I GUESS I AM MOSTLY SURROUNDED WITH SUCCESSFUL, INTELLIGENT DRIVEN ALPHA MALES.. TYPE A PERSONALITY, MOST OF THEM COLERICS ...SO I GUESS THEY HAVE PARTICULARLY HIGH SEX DRIVE ..AND I DON'T REALLY MET A LOT OF BETA MALES
They couldn't handle it.., they started to act like chicks.., even male academics started to construct a gap between "sex" and "gender".. Sex was the biological definition.. but gender was a social definition.. They dumped incorrect information onto the "masculine" definition to excuse their sexual tendencies and beta nature.. The argument was that sexual aggression was the norm.. and anything less meant you were not a man..
This definition was easy to accept and swallow for 80% of men.., and it met no real opposition from women who embraced it as it made them feel chased.., wanted.., desired.., and sexually powerful..
The only issue to that though.., was the attitude of the two genders towards each other given this misinformation.. It's not too far from the truth.., but it's not exactly the truth.. You end up with a lot of confused men who ask themselves "but I'm not really that sexual" and other men who tell them "yeah.., that means your either gay or not a man".. Or women who feel "he's a guy.., there's only one thing he's interested in"..
WOMEN ARE VERY DIFFERENT..SOME THEY SAY THEY WOULD RATHER DIE THAN NEVER HAD SEX AGAIN AND OTHERS WHO SAID THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS...I DID SOME PERSONAL REAL LIFE RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT
It could very well be the case.., that as a consequence of hearing and then accepting misinformation as truth about one gender.., you are trying and testing to see if someone will want you.., without wanting to have sex.. That to you represents their honest commitment and love..
I HAVE MALE FRIENDS THAT THEY WANT TO BE MY FRIENDS ...THEY LOVE ME FOR MY BRAIN AS THEY WOULD SAY..NEVER HAD SEX WITH THEM, DON'T WANT TO ...THEY TRIED AT SOME POINT, I SET A LIMIT EXPLAINED THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED, GOT HURT A BIT, GOT OVER IT AND THEY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME ANYAWY...
SO THAT HYPOTHESIS WOULD NOT HOLD
But you fail to consider that sex is not bad nor vile.. It goes beyond physical pleasure.., and the act itself is an expression of full acceptance and love of the other person.. The act of sex is more of a bonding activity than the act of marriage.. If you find someone who feels the urge to have sex for more than just the physical aspect of it.., who feel comfortable enough to share that with you.., who feels emotionally connected enough to choose you.., and you are stuck because of a limiting belief you carry.., then it's expected that their most natural reaction is to actually leave..
I DON'T THINK SEX IS BAD IT IS JUST NOT FOR ME..I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS..DEPRESSION..ETC
I WOULD LOVE TO PLEASE A PARTNER, JUST WHEN THAT WOULD BE AT MY EXPENSE... THE PRICE GETS TO HIGH
I always laugh when I hear something like.. "if he really loves me he'll stay".. No he won't.. If he really loves you.., his feelings will get crushed and he'll leave! If he's desperate.., and just looking for some action wherever he can find it.., and is willing to do anything and put up with anything just to get it.., he'll stay..
I AGREE I DON'T THINK 'HE' SHOULD COMPROMISE...
You have to clearify and resolve these things in your mind.., that's the good news.., they're just in your mind.., and as you do.., you'll notice how your dating.., romantic.., sex and love life improve..
I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION : I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SEX AND I WANT TO SKIP THE WHOLE CHAPTER...IT WOULD NOT BE FAIR TO THE OTHER SIDE TO DEPRIVE THEM OF SEX, SO HOW DO I FIND A MATCH IF I WOULD WANT A RELATIONSHIP? THEREFORE MY SUBJECT QUESTION
Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove
because if you are not for it they move to the next hot willing chick?
Yeah.., the sad fact of life.. All the good ones are usually taken.. and it's usually by someone who spread her legs much earlier than you did..
THAT STATEMENT HURTS A BIT, WITH ALL RESPECT SIR, BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW ME AND I FIND THE STATEMENT RATHER OFFENSIVE.
I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR
No worries.. Unbeknowist to those guys.., these women aren't having sex with them because they love him.., but because they just want to manipulate him into marriage.. It won't be long until you see them as just an other divorce statistic..
I HAVE MET WOMEN WHO DIDN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE PERSON BUT THEY WERE AFTER MONEY....POOR SOULS.. THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ON THAT
Asexual is actually a sexuality, like being gay or heterosexual. What you guys are suggesting is like sending a gay guy to therapy to turn them straight.
AsexualLove, there are very, very few males who would enter a long-term relationship without sex. What might happen is that a guy will fall so in love with you that he will be willing to make them sacrifice it, or might simply be unable to leave you. Probably that would make him miserable. Sex for most heterosexual people isn't just something we like to do, it's a need. A physical need like hunger, as well as a bonding agent that raises the intimacy of a partnership. So although you don't understand you'd be asking someone to give up a lot.
Are there not asexual dating sites or something?
I think Charlie is right...only thing I could suggest is maybe finding someone through online dating. Like Charlie said there are very very few asexual males.
Wow.
I'd be surprised if there was never any sex abuse in your past.
Since I was asexual for a number of years I can understand where you are comming from. Its hard to let some people understand.
Yes.., some people have negative things to say about it.., but that's because they look at it from a western presepective.. I actually admire the indian system.., personally.., that's how I feel things should be.. But now indian women are becoming westernized.. and start to see the same guys as "cheezy" or "ugh".. Sitting there.., being aloof.., waiting for a reaction.., seeing how much he's willing to put up with.., how much he'll tolerate.., how much he'll push.., how far he's willing to go for her.., and then she's bored.., loses interest.., and on to the next.. The death of romance as they are degraded down to American women.. sad.. truly sad..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
They're out there.. If you're talking about asexual men.., they are actually more common than asexual women.. So if you exist.., there is definitely a man out there for you.., However.., for these men.., there is no guarantee there is a woman out there for them!Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
If you're talking about men who would be willing to deal with this.., I'd have to say.., believe it or not.., have some faith in the other gender.. There are a lot of men who would be willing to overlook this.., and "work around it".. (ie. open relationship)
Then you have to at least admit to yourself.., that it may be the case that you're not really simply asexual.. There are some underlying issues you won't allow to surface.. No sex is asexual.., but no dating?Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Hmm.., I really hate to say this.., only because I can already feel and tell you'll have such a negative reaction to this.., but this is what's going on..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
There's a fine line between being and wanting to feel independent.., and developing a fear of codependency and intimacy.., if you haven't crossed it.., then you are most definitely flirting with it..
Alphas are split down the middle with their sex drive.. Maybe way back in the day.., with sticks and stones.., their sex drive was higher.., but the ones that are more alpha.., are more successful.., and have their mind more geared towards success and personal improvement.., and less towards sex.. In fact.., I knew the wife of an extremely wealthy urologist who just wanted to get fcuked.. She had an episode where she broke down and started telling me how her husband neglected her sexually for years.., and she started cheating on him years ago.., and it's his fault she had to go down that road.. I could sympathize with her.., but I didn't do anything with her.. She definitely stayed in the back of my mind whenever I had a partner who wanted sex when I wasn't in the mood.. After listening to and seeing her.., I can't find it within myself to say "no"..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
So while half of the alphas would be more than willing to tolerate your situation.., the other half would have no sympathy for you.. You wouldn't represent one of the few women they could have sex with.., but simply one of the many.., so many it's endless.. So when you present them with that situation.., they laugh at it and move on to someone else.. (But don't take it personally.., it's not because they don't like you)
Though.., the alphas with the lower sex drive.., will understand your situation completely.., and you're more likely to find someone in that group who will sympathize with you.. For as long as you both come to an agreement of some sort.. (ie. not-intercourse but other sexual activities.., open relationship.., etc)
Yes.., evolution is a gradual and slow process..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Actually.., it would confirm that hypothesis.. What you have are "orbiters".. The moment you tell any one of them.., "I'm in the mood.., fcuk me now".. They'll already be done and finished.. Those are the guys that will stick around.., under the radar.., in the event you change your mind.. Remember: women can fake orgasms.. men can fake entire relationships.. including friendships..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
These men you're talking about.. most likely have low self esteem.., either really don't.., or simply feel they don't have many sexual options available.., and so they'll cling on to you and stay around.., but keeping that door open.. (If you want to do some personal research in case you don't believe me.., invite them to your place.., and start to rub their crotch and tell them you want to give them a blowjob.., see if they're really friends.., my guess is they won't reject.., they'll be thinking.. "fcukn' finally!")
If the hypothesis is wrong.., then your post shouldn't even exist.. You wouldn't have a problem! Every man that would fall in love with you would stay with you.., lack of sex wouldn't change his attitude or undying love for you.. But.., your post spells out a very different story..
I'm very interested to know more about how this feels like.. In detail.., as much as possible..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Well.., if it's one skill you pick up from studying accounting and taxation.. is how to get around stuff and find a loophole to make possible whatever it is you want to do.. It's no different with anything else.., really.., including your case..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
- Open relationship?
- Oral and manual sex?
Let's not talk about such women.. they give a bad name to the rest of all the quality women out there..Quote:
Originally Posted by AsexualLove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
[url]http://www.asexualitic.com/[/url]
[url]http://asexualunderground.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-asexual-people-want.html[/url]
[url]http://www.asexuality.org[/url]
[url]http://www.asexualove.net/[/url]
These were just a few that I came across from a simple google search. Find someone who is like you and understands where you are coming from.
I have a question, if you have no desire for the opposite sex or the same sex why even care about a relationship and desperately search for one? Why do I feel like if that was me I would be in some Zen state of bliss and happiness? ...I believe sex drive is a freaking curse.