I'm not sure if I'm being selfish and hurtful...but I feel very bad.

Hello all,
First post here. Thank you for reading.
I have been in a relationship for 6 years to a woman whom I deeply love. There were many obstacles in the beginning from her past relationships, custody battles for her kids, her constantly going through jobs and what not. I feel that she may be unable to care for herself and needs someone to look out for her. I have been there for her financially and emotionally for all this time and have even taken in her daughter to live with us. 3 years ago, she started to gain a startling amount of weight. I immediately got her a gym membership to get back in shape. She had no interest, so I bought her an elliptical for the basement. Set up a sound system and a projector and she wasn't into that. She then had a heart attack. I was devastated. Doctors said that she needed to exercise and watch her diet - the diet thing is OK, aside from high calorie drinks, but she doesn't exercise. It almost seems like she lacks the motivation? Even though she had a heart attack. She has a slight balance issue as well that effects her hearing and she says that prevents her from exercising or getting a job. She has tried working once in the past 2 years - but it was unsuccessful. Her hearing was too impaired to take orders. I can understand these things and looked past them. I have supported her wholly and unquestioningly (with a dash of motivation of course) in regards to this. However, there has been a complete lack of intimacy, romance and physical connection in these past 2.5 years. Nothing I do or say have been able to change that. She says its the med's and her weight - which I can understand, but we live on separate floors of our home. She lives upstairs and me downstairs. I will be lucky to get a kiss when I get home. This has caused many arguments and heartache. I have even contemplated paying for sex...I just can't take this lack of intimacy. I know she loves me deeply, but I often get paranoid and feel used. I have had to beg her to help me with my food preparations for work and such, as she is home all day playing video games. And just recently found out that she hasn't been putting all the money I give her toward bills she is supposed to (she pays them from her account with money I transfer her). I'm still not sure whats up with that last one. I give her spending money, I buy her gifts, take her out... So here comes the d-bag part. I met this woman through work. She is beautiful, smart and we get along very well. It was just a passing flirt until our office party a week ago. We passionately made out for a good portion of the night. Hung over and sick to my stomach, broke it off with my girlfriend the next day. Since then, I have offered to support my ex in any way I can by letting her stay, while I continue to pay bills and rent and food. Just until she can get on her feet and support herself. The real d-bag part is that I have pursued a relationship with this new woman. I don't regret it - aside from the newly re-acquired smoking addiction and I look forward to seeing her. The new girlfriend knows of the entire situation and is still putting herself out there. Should I feel ashamed and selfish for pursuing a relationship so soon? My previous relationship was loving - but in a platonic / caregiver sense, I really needed more....I honestly don't think she was ever using me in her defense. I believe she is an innocent. Perhaps I'm bias. Just to add. She was there for me emotionally I suppose - but that was the extent. It's strange, because I think of little things like the cows on her pajamas, or the way her lip quivers when she is sad...it makes me start to cry my *** off - like I'm doing right now..I feel like I'm her only hope and I'm abandoning her! Like if I should just suck it up and deal with it in my own way. I just can't see myself being happy in the long run

What you did was very wrong. You cheated on her with a co-worker and there is no excuse for that. You should have ended the relationship before ever getting involved with anyone else and if you did pay for sex (which you didn't) that would have been worse.

Now the ex is not your responsibility-she should not be so dependent on anyone. Its great that you are willing to help her get back on her feet but make sure she knows that there is a limit and you can only help her for so long.

It sounds like you love your ex, you miss her, you are confused and being with someone else is not a good idea right now. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and take some time out to heal. Otherwise this new girl will just be a rebound.

I also think the new girl is not relationship material since she had no problem perusing you when she knew you were in a relationship. Women like that are sneaky, manipulative, selfish etc and you could have just walked from the frying pan into the fire but you probably wont realize that until its too late.

Right now you are infatuated by her-you think she is the best thing since slice bread and your probably enjoying the excitement of a new relationship. But when reality kicks in and the infatuation wears off-you may just get a big shock when you realize she is not so perfect.

You should never cheat on anyone-it should not be an option. And you should never leave a long term relationship for someone else-that is just adding salt to the wounds and is cruel.

The truth is you were unhappy for a long time so you should have left a long time ago. Instead you waited for someone to give you the courage/balls to leave and that is not fair to your ex.

I suggest you cut both women out of your life and work on yourself and your very destructive ways of dealing with relationship problems.

You're absolutely right and very insightful. I'm envious of your emotional discipline. Perhaps, viewing it from afar is of help to gain such clarity.
I'm not going to try and defend my actions - I need honest and brutal advice. Although I have made up my mind to see things through with this other woman.
She was quite guarded at first - rightfully. She has let her guard down so to speak and allowed me into her life. She understands that there is healing to be done, of course and so do I. I don't believe she is selfish or manipulative, of course only time will tell. I must say though, to be able to hold an intellectual conversation with her is a treat. She is so smart and strong. She is actually pursuing a career in law enforcement. Either way, I didn't mean to cheat - although I have been mentally cheating and feeling horrible for years. Not a healthy relationship with my ex at all. No one is perfect of course, nor do I expect that - I just expect a person to change to better themselves, not bend to my will or anything. To enable my ex'es condition will be her demise I'm sure of it.

Learn from this experience and make sure you dont make the same mistakes again. If your unhappy in the future-either do whatever it takes to fix the problems or leave. Dont have an emotional affair or dont leave a partner for someone else again.

As long as you grow and learn from mistakes-you can avoid repeating them.

I think you made the right choice leaving your ex though but it should have been done ages ago

OP, i understand what you did with the other woman, because i went through something like this as well.. i strayed once and recently so has my wife.. and it was both our faults.. but no you should not feel bad, I personally think you are a push over as was I, and therefor we have sympathy for humans no matter what they do sometimes and we convince ourselves to look past every negative aspect.. i bet you find your self as a half full glass type of guy. As I agree you should have ended it before you did what you did, but at the same time you did it as a way out so you can feel the one responsible for ending it so she does not feel bad, and so you look like d-bag to her. No she is a grown woman and should fend for her self. ( women burnt their bras for this ) Yes i do believe she took advantage of you, but she may have also been depressed and that can mess with ones emotions, she should have saw help for this but chose not to. Good luck with your new lady hope all goes well. Take this relationship as a lesson, put your foot down you will receive more respect

Just today she broke down and told me she would do anything to keep us together. I know she truly loves me and normally I wouldn't think twice about giving her another chance. Especially with the sincerity in her voice as I heard today. She was very very emotional as I am her everything. I'm not sure if it's the other woman who is having such an influence on my decision, the fact that we've been down this road so many times before (never to this extreme though) or maybe a combination of both.
All I know is, I'm an emotional wreck from revisiting this with her and seeing her in the state she is in... I know the relationship was unhealthy - potentially would lead to the same $hit, or I could be making a huge mistake.
Friends that have known me / us say that it is the right move. Just hard to see the forest for the trees right now.
I appreciate all of your feedback.

Look you obviously think the grass is greener and the hurt has already been done so stick to your decision and have no contact with your ex. If you do end up regretting all this-you will have to live with that. On the other hand it may be the best decision for you. Your ex will heal in time and meet someone else but you have fo make it clear to her its over and tell her the truth about the OW. Maybe if she hates you it will be easier to heal..

Rob you can justify it however you like and spout your crap about forgiveness here in make me look like the bad person BUT the fact is he has to take responsibility for his behaviour, accept what he did in the end was wrong and promise himself he wont take the easy way out again if it all goes wrong. Hell have the balls to end it because its the right thing to do and not because there is another women giving him dutch courage. After a long term relationship ends-its not healthy or fair on the ex to hop straight into something else.

But as the saying goes-you made your bed and cannot take it back now

Just strictly looking at it for your sake, what are you getting out of the relationship with her? You seem to invest an immense amount of time and emotions but what is the return for you?

And rob just because you have forgiven yourself for your "mistake" does not make it okay or acceptable any time somebody else does it. I think you are just defending yourself here and justifying what you and your wife did so therefore are giving other people bad advice.

If you think im too harsh on this topic-fine but people have to accept respobsibility for their behaviour and patting them on the back and wiping their tears as if their a child and saying "its okay" does not make anyone face up to the consequences of their choices.

Bearz - Emotional connection - we have very much in common. I love her very much. We were in a safe secure situation that I didn't want to jeopardize. I also knew that I was her entire world. She told me that. she has since said she will never love another and never move on.....I feel horrible. Michelle - you aren't the "bad person". You speak the truth. It's nice to work through this with non bias parties.

She is hurting right now. Has she any family or friends you can ask to be there for her? You need to take yourself out of the equation as it is not fair to give her false hope. She needs no contact in order to heal. She will get through it in time and heal and learn to stand on her own two feet but she has to grieve the loss first.

Ask her support network to suggest counselling to her and she will be okay.

You made a choice and you cannot do anything to make her feel better now and you cannot change the situation so as much as it hurts you have to let her go.

Sticking around is your way of trying to deal with the guilt you feel and is selfish. Let her go

I can't let her go even if I wanted to. She has no family / friends that can take her in - she actually has no friends at all anymore. Which makes me feel like even more a d-bag..
I could never punt her on the street. I'm not just trying to deal with my guilt - she really has no where to go...

You aare not responsible for her. Im not saying put her on the street but tell her that you are not going to be around anymore and she needs to start looking after herself.
She needs to get a job, get a hobby, make friends etc.
You cant be there-if you are she will never heal and never get over you.

She is drpendant on you and needs to learn to be independent

Agreed and thank you.

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hello all,
First post here. Thank you for reading.
I have been in a relationship for 6 years to a woman whom I deeply love. There were many obstacles in the beginning from her past relationships, custody battles for her kids, her constantly going through jobs and what not.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel that she may be unable to care for herself and needs someone to look out for her. I have been there for her financially and emotionally for all this time and have even taken in her daughter to live with us. 3 years ago, she started to gain a startling amount of weight.

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This is wrong - whether you believe it or not, she can care for herself. She may NOT be doing so, but she can. Your need to control is where that comes from.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I immediately got her a gym membership to get back in shape. She had no interest, so I bought her an elliptical for the basement. Set up a sound system and a projector and she wasn't into that. She then had a heart attack. I was devastated. Doctors said that she needed to exercise and watch her diet - the diet thing is OK, aside from high calorie drinks, but she doesn't exercise. It almost seems like she lacks the motivation? Even though she had a heart attack. She has a slight balance issue as well that effects her hearing and she says that prevents her from exercising or getting a job. She has tried working once in the past 2 years - but it was unsuccessful. Her hearing was too impaired to take orders. I can understand these things and looked past them. I have supported her wholly and unquestioningly (with a dash of motivation of course) in regards to this. However, there has been a complete lack of intimacy, romance and physical connection in these past 2.5 years. Nothing I do or say have been able to change that.

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Again, that's very controlling. If she wanted a gym membership, she would've said so. Additionally, your support of her lifestyle is enabling her to continue it.

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She says its the med's and her weight - which I can understand, but we live on separate floors of our home. She lives upstairs and me downstairs. I will be lucky to get a kiss when I get home. This has caused many arguments and heartache. I have even contemplated paying for sex...I just can't take this lack of intimacy. I know she loves me deeply, but I often get paranoid and feel used. I have had to beg her to help me with my food preparations for work and such, as she is home all day playing video games. And just recently found out that she hasn't been putting all the money I give her toward bills she is supposed to (she pays them from her account with money I transfer her). I'm still not sure whats up with that last one. I give her spending money, I buy her gifts, take her out... So here comes the d-bag part.

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So why do you want a relationship with someone that you have to care for, and doesn't give you very much in return? I'm thinking you should google White Knight Syndrome.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I met this woman through work. She is beautiful, smart and we get along very well. It was just a passing flirt until our office party a week ago. We passionately made out for a good portion of the night. Hung over and sick to my stomach, broke it off with my girlfriend the next day. Since then, I have offered to support my ex in any way I can by letting her stay, while I continue to pay bills and rent and food. Just until she can get on her feet and support herself. The real d-bag part is that I have pursued a relationship with this new woman. I don't regret it - aside from the newly re-acquired smoking addiction and I look forward to seeing her. The new girlfriend knows of the entire situation and is still putting herself out there. Should I feel ashamed and selfish for pursuing a relationship so soon?

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Frankly, it appears that you've not really been in a personal relationship with your former partner for quite some time. What you've had is a roommate that you used to have a relationship with. The only real mistake I see here is that you emotionally cheated on her before you broke up with her... however you did the right thing in breaking up with her right away.

Is there some reason you feel obligated to support your ex? Is there no family she can go to? I would definitely suggest that at the very least you set a time limit to her staying with you - an open-ended "until you get on your feet" is a recipe for disaster.

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Originally Posted by Confused7478 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My previous relationship was loving - but in a platonic / caregiver sense, I really needed more....I honestly don't think she was ever using me in her defense. I believe she is an innocent. Perhaps I'm bias. Just to add. She was there for me emotionally I suppose - but that was the extent. It's strange, because I think of little things like the cows on her pajamas, or the way her lip quivers when she is sad...it makes me start to cry my *** off - like I'm doing right now..I feel like I'm her only hope and I'm abandoning her! Like if I should just suck it up and deal with it in my own way. I just can't see myself being happy in the long run

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Again, google White Knight Syndrome... and get some help for your control issues. You'll be happier in the long run for it.