How to tell best friend that I love him?
Hello all!
My name, for all purposes here, is Tinúviel. I'm an 18 year old girl living in Mexico.
My first job was my dream job, at a pet store. (Bear with me, please. I promise it's related to my story.) I loved the close contact with the animals, and the customers seemed to like me, even though it was badly paid and the other girl and I had to do all the unpleasant jobs while the men wasted time about the computer. I got over most of my shyness in that job, and the bosses, though changeable, seemed to appreciate my work though they drove me harder even than the others. But then my friend, the other girl who worked there (I'll call her Níniel), got sent to the other store to replace a guy who'd left, and my male co-workers just weren't to be trusted. I still did most of their work for them to keep the store running and the animals healthy, but they would bad-mouth me behind my back to the store owner every chance they got, and I no longer felt happy working with them. I began to think of leaving the pet store and using my language skills to land a better position and hopefully save enough money for my dream of studying the university abroad. All the workload had fallen on my shoulders, and I felt lonely and taken advantage of... that is, until "Beren" showed up. Truth to tell, as he was the replacement of Níniel and of the same gender as the lazy workers, I was not very happy to see this scrawny boy with large sad eyes and a quiet voice. But, wanting to give him a fair chance, I walked up to introduce myself.
He was standing talking to a customer about the betta fish we had on display. What was my surprise when I realized that he actually knew what he was talking about! I waited excitedly until he finished with the customer, then I walked right up to him and said without preamble, "Hey, are you the fish expert [that my boss had told me would come to teach me]?"
The way he jumped! He seemed really nervous and eager to please, reminding me almost of a finch. He nodded yes immediately, but said only "Mm-hmm." I shook hands with him and asked him his name; then I decided to 'test' him, asking him several questions about fish. I found out that he really did know a good deal. I was thrilled to finally find someone else who shared my interest. Nonetheless, I hung back a bit from him at first and watched him work. And man, did he work! He was everywhere at once. I'd thought I was a good worker, but looking at him, I realized I needed to step up my game!
Nonetheless, it wasn't until two days or so later that we really began to bond. My shift had ended and I was hanging out in the back of the store, as was my wont. That particular day, I was busy filling out a scholarship application, and he came in and asked what I was doing, and if he could help. I thought this very unusual, and was like, "Uhh, no thanks," and asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm on my lunch break, and I'd like to be doing something productive." I shot him a double take. "So why don't you eat?" His response wrung my heart. He gave a little laugh and hung his head. "It's just that I don't have money to buy something to eat."
I'd already eaten most of my lunch and wasn't very hungry anymore, and I still had a green apple left--not much, but I gave it to him. From that time, we began to chat a lot, and he told me a lot about himself: that his mother was dead and his father had left him, and that he had come from another city to find work, with his younger brother in tow. And he began to post photos of me as his profile photo constantly.
The next day, he asked me for my phone number and was quite insistent, and of course I gave it to him. Every day after that he would message me, usually on and off all day and all night long when we were off work. He'd tag along after me all through the store, asking if he could help me even with the smallest things, and praising the least thing I did. I was rather disconcerted because he seemed to find everything I did amazing, and he would say I was very intelligent and had a solution for everything.
The vet didn't like him at all; she would not let us speak, and would say he did no work and make fun of the fact that he had no money to buy food. Nonetheless, he kept arriving earlier than he had to, just so he could help me open the store in the mornings... and although at the time I had literally zero romantic interest in him, I was quite glad of the company and the help. I was happy now and, for the moment, renounced all thought of leaving the pet store.
But then a lot of things happened. The owner rehired "Morgoth", a guy she'd fired for thieving, and he came swaggering in to work, openly claiming superiority over us all and claiming that he'd been brought back from Mexico City to raise sales. Later I spoke to Níniel and she told me that he was lying. However, he immediately gained the owner's favor, and he hated Beren because he saw the way he worked and his knowledge of fish. He began to tell the owner all we ever did was talk, and because I was Beren's friend, he began to tell her that I kept making him do all my work, when I avoided even speaking to him.
Despite it all, Beren and I enjoyed being together. He went to my house, because he was so eager to meet my parents, and alone among all my male friends he produced a good impression upon both. My mother even told him he might come when he wished.
His brother got so sick he had to be taken away by an uncle. He began to say that I was his only family, and one time he even went so far as to tell me that my friendship had saved his life. He told me in a veiled way that he liked me but thought me too far above him.
I learned much about him in those days. I saw that he was a kind, caring and compassionate person, who even though he had nothing to eat himself would give whatever he had to any co-worker who had happened to forget his lunch, and would never refuse a favor to anyone but would do his best to help others even without being asked. He’s a few months older than me, but his innocence reminds me of a young child. He has a blind faith in the basic goodness of people that I still struggle against because I know that most people will hurt you if you trust them.
Then one day Beren sent the owner a message saying he was sick and couldn't come, and he'd bring a signed sheet from the doctor so she'd know he wasn't lying, but she messaged him from the store's communal cell phone and told him if he missed another day she'd fire him. When I got home, Beren messaged me, desperate, saying the owner had messaged him again, telling him he was fired and not to bother coming in on the following day. I comforted him as best I could and promised to look into the matter; but whoever had sent the message had erased it. I tried frantically to tell Beren to come, but I couldn't reach him because his phone was off and he was at the doctor's. He was fired; I resigned and turned to my current job, and we continued to be friends. We would still meet often, and would spend hours just sitting on benches, talking. He began to tell me that he now wanted to stay in my city and finish high school alongside me, and that I was beautiful and charming, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and though we both told each other that we cared for each other (as friends), he told me twice that he loved me (but would immediately catch himself and call me his friend). I told him the story of the Lay of Lúthien, that of the love between Lúthien Tinúviel, fairest maiden ever to walk Middle-earth, and Beren, for whom Lúthien gave up her immortality; and, being an excellent artist and of a rather romantic temperament, he made a drawing of her. I told him it was beautiful, and he said (or typed, since we were texting), “Yes, she was beautiful, but not so beautiful as you.” Then he said, “The Beren who wins your heart will be very lucky indeed, my little Tinúviel!“ And he calls me “my little girl”, “little one”, “my Tinúviel”… anyway, you get the picture.
He began to ask me to the movies. I wanted more and more to be near him every day, but I would say I was busy because I knew he wouldn’t let me pay, and he had hardly money even to eat. And once, while he worked at McDonald’s, I was walking through the plaza, saw him and stopped to say hello. He rushed out to talk to me. As it was raining, I´d decided to remain at the plaza for a while. And he told me he could give free coffee to his family because of his Employee of the Month status, “but you’re my only family here,” and he begged me to stay with him and have coffee.
I still don’t know why I said no. I could perfectly well have said yes, and God knows I wanted to! But it was as if some outside force took hold of my voice and will. I told him I had to go. He asked me several times, insisting that I’d get wet and he wanted me to stay with him. I stubbornly bade him goodbye and left. That was over a month ago, but it still eats at me…if only he’d ask me again!
An eleven-year-old friend of mine fell in love with him and, her father being a very violent person, we were both afraid and broke off contact with her. He hadn’t noticed; and I didn’t know either until my mother noticed and my dad warned us both of what was happening. Beren began to pack to go back to his hometown, fearing he would be unable to continue sending his uncle money to support his brother; but I helped him to calm down, though (much to my surprise, as I’d been quite sure I didn’t care for him other than as a friend) his pronouncement had put me on the verge of hysteria myself. In a desperate attempt to help him, I gave him the number of my old job, which although not a very safe job (I’d lasted only a few days before being bitten by a pit bull while promoting the Internet service) would provide him at least with the means to feed himself and his brother without going back to the city he’d left in the first place because of the lack of work and because he’d lost the fish store he once owned. Plus, my boss had been very kind and understanding to me, and I knew Beren was an excellent worker; I thought he’d be kind to him as well. Big mistake!
Beren took the job. He was loyal to his boss despite his not wanting to pay him and forcing him to work even during his off hours, taking advantage of his sales skills. I urged him to find something better, but at first he resisted, saying he’d work very hard and rise in position, and that he wouldn’t shame me for recommending him. I told him I didn’t care how I looked before my old boss, but that I was worried for him, especially as he’s not strong and very distracted, and doesn’t fight back if attacked. He’s already been assaulted before.
I helped him write his CV, as he’d never made one before, and my father recommended him at a car rental company, where he might have done very well indeed. He got the job, then went to his hometown the day after the interview to see his sick brother.
That was when something strange happened. He left without even telling me until he was on the bus, and he didn’t tell me when he would be back; I got that information from my father. The day after he arrived we talked still, and he told me he wanted to stay. I told him he should look after himself and that I didn’t think it was a good idea, but that it was of course his decision. He told me he wanted to stay but wouldn’t. Then he stopped coming online at all. Calls went straight to voicemail, and I was frantic for him after a week of no contact; he had been supposed to return within three days. I thought something terrible had happened for sure, more so after he didn’t appear for his surprise birthday party.
One week later he messaged me from a friend’s phone, without saying who he was. I knew him at once, though, because who else would say to me, “Hello, my beautiful Tinúviel, how is my best friend today?”
I was so relieved that I cried and laughed over my phone at the same time as I replied to him, tumbling over myself as I asked him where he’d been, why no contact, etc. He apologized and reiterated that he cared about me, told me he’d just come back for me, to say goodbye before leaving. I didn’t try to persuade him. I asked him if I’d see him again, and he said yes and asked me what day I had off from work (because, according to him, it wouldn’t have been correct for him to ask me at what time I was free). I told him, and he said he’d come then.
Yesterday was the appointed day, and I waited for him all day long, to no avail. My grandma says that he probably wants to back off from me because he thinks I will never love him as more than a friend… and though I didn’t mean for it to happen… I do! I plan to give him the present I’ve been keeping for him, a small fish tank with substrate, a resin decoration and a filter, and to tell him of my feelings for him, if and when I do see him.
I’m not really afraid that he doesn’t like me. The way I see it, he’s given me signals enough. But I don’t want him to think that I’ve been his friend only because I like him. My motives were pure; I wanted to help him, and at first I thought of him as no more than a friend. He knew that I had a crush on someone else, and so he never told me anything openly, though he was always there for me and would do almost anything I asked (though I made it a point never to ask anything of him if I could help it; I like to be independent). But his sweet caring has won my heart, and though I’d normally not speak until he spoke first, if I don’t do it now I may not get another chance. And I know I’ll never find anyone else like him—so like to me, and yet so different.
And there’s also the matter of the right words. I would have written him a letter, but somehow I think it would be better to tell him straight out, even if I die of nervousness, lol. But as I’m sure you can tell from my long wall of text here, I have a very dramatic, over-romantic style, and although he is quite similar to me in this respect I’m sure he’ll run for the hills if I go all Shakespeare on him! I don’t know what to say, or how to say it; and I need to clear up the reason for his lack of contact. I don’t know whether to tell him before, or after clearing everything up. I don’t know whether I should lead up to it, or just blurt it out, plain as plain, “I love you”. Please help! Any advice?
Thank you in advance for any counsel you may offer! I have literally zero experience with men, and I really don’t want to lose Beren. What I feel for him I’ve never felt for anyone else before; it’s not physical attraction, it’s something else entirely…a deep admiration for his strength in the midst of his troubles and his meek and mild personality, his capacity for forgiveness and for helping others when he himself has nothing, his love of all living things…And the way he speaks to and looks at me…it’s not like anyone else. I feel like he cares!
