Letter she will never read
I don't know why I am writing you this letter. You will probably never even read this. It's the 23. Oktober 2012 2:54 am in the morning. Actually I wanted to write a song, rhymes were flowing through my mind the whole time while lying in bed and couldn't sleep, because once again, the only thing in my mind was you and I couldn't stop thinking about you. You know how I am with rhymes, always loved it, sometimes even had some great ones but never really wrote done any of them. You must be wondering why I am writing this in English, well I remember when you barely spoke any English, but now im fairly certain that you will understand most of the letter easily, you will still look up some of the words though using your iPhone, the cute way you always used to hold it with your cute hands. You always had the iPhone rather close to the body and held it with both hands when typing, I remember as if it was yesterday. Do you remember our phone call we had in English one time? Where I tried to teach you some stuff? I loved it. I'm feeling so weird right now, as though for the first time I realise that it was all my fault. You know I listen to a lot of Eminem and in one of the songs he goes " Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment Would you capture it or just let it slip?". I once told a friend of mine in the first or second Sek that he would be the kind of person that'd let such a chance slip if it ever occured to him. Funny enough now I'm the one who had the chance to get everything he has ever wished for, but just let it slip and will never forgive himself for it. I know you will forgive me one day for all the bad things I've done, because you are a very kind person and you have a lot of positive energy in you. But I will never forgive myself for all the cursing and the bad things I've done to you. Just now I realise how much you went through and how much I meant to you. All the stuff you did despite your religious beliefs... you even lied to your parents for me and I threw all that away over what? Over extremely retarded jealousy, which was very unneeded with a clean girl like you. By the way I'm in tears right now with the little bear you bought me for christmas lying here, it still has your initials on it, the ones you wrote. I wonder if you still have mine, I don't believe so. Or the first letter of my name, which I gave you as a gift, on the place where we kissed for the first time. I always wondered where your positive energy came from, how you could keep on forgiving me when I was in my depressive state and cursed at you. If you were right and there is a god, I would love to burn in hell for all the bad things I've done to you, I would love to die right now if you were to just believe me that I am sorry and that I finally understand you. The most hurting words you've ever said to me were "you don't understand me". I understand you, believe me. I've listened to "someone like you" a lot and kept always repeating the words "nevermind, I'll find someone like you" in my head, but in my heart I know that isn't true, I will never find someone like you. I occasionally still dream of you, have you ever felt extremely sad because you woke up and the dream is over and you realise that it was all just a dream? Just a dream by nelly always makes me want to cry, because it's true you were right there in front of me and now you're gone, after what? 2.5 years of love? I might have had a gaming addiction and depressions which made me rage very quickly and get extremely mad, but what really made our relationship not work was my jealousy towards every single thing, extremely unrealistic jealousy, which was very unneeded. Sometimes I see you and it makes my heart race and it makes me wanna cry. And now again I'd love to just cry out loud, but I won't I'll keep the tears back, there's no point in crying is there? You told me I'd forget about you, it's been so long since we broke up and I've been thinking about you EVERYDAY. I'm not gonna lie sometimes I do have fun with friends, it's not like im emo the whole day, but every single day I think about you atleast once and something is always missing, something will always miss...
There is just so much that I want to tell you, it's 3:10 am right now and I hope you will be happy, I really do hope the best for you because I will never be happy. A friend of mine told me that there's some line on your hand that can tell you how many time you'll marry. Ironically it says 0 for me, you know I never believed in this sort of stuff, but it's true I'll never marry a girl, I'd rather live alone than being with a girl that is not you. Sometimes I'm actually pretty strong and can just say "**** it, I don't need her", but that's not true and I know it, that's why I am weak most of the time. There's so much more I'd love to write but I'm just a miserable writer and this is as pointless as my jealousy used to be. I hope one day we will meet and will be able to talk to each other normally. I am so nervous when you are near me somewhere and I start acting so strange.
I love you
