Do these things mean anything or am I over thinking?

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25-10-13, 12:31 PM
Emilieya

Do these things mean anything or am I over thinking?

I am still in love with my ex. It's been about 10 months we haven't been together anymore. We're not together anymore mostly because of trust issues. I was 100% faithful but we both have a hard time trusting people in general so it did make things harder. I tried many times to talk to him about getting back together but he always said things like "I always feel like i'm hurting you and I don't want to hurt you anymore" or "you'll find someone better who won't hurt you" at one point I was practically begging him to be together again and I felt so terrible because I know how guys don't like that desperation feeling... After that I decided to pretend like I moved on and didn't love him anymore because I didn't want him to feel pressure or to feel bad about anything. Since then I have noticed things that have made me wonder how he feels about me.... (It's kind of hard to tell because he's like me, not super lovey duvy type. Like he can come off cold sometimes. For example: in the past when we were just friends I was really into him but he didn't seem that interested in me. Like he would go days and weeks without texting me or if I would text him he would have nothing really to say or wouldn't carry on the conversation. I felt like he didn't love me but then one day we hung out and before I left he told me he loved me and I was really surprised because he did not show it...but he said it and I know he meant it.)

So here are some of the things that made me wonder if he still love me or not:

1) The last time we hung out he was kind of playing with my hands and he put his fingers inside my fingers like he was going to hold my hand (but then I kind of pulled my hand away because I had told him that I moved on so I didn't want him to feel that pressure again)

2) We had a friends with benefits relationship and he asked me 2 or 3 times if I slept with another guy. But the way he asked was like it was bothering him, like his tone of voice changed.

3) I woke up in the night and he was cuddling me

4) The next morning he brought me to the restaurant and he kept saying things like "you're going to really like the place i'm bringing you" and then after the meal I was talking about paying with my debit card and he never said anything but then the waitress said "you wanted it all on one bill right?" and he said yes and payed my meal

5) He was asking me a lot of questions about my future plans, career, jobs and projects I was working on

6) When I got home he texted me with his friends phone telling me that as soon as he gets his own phone that he would text me (which means he was planning on keeping contact with me)

7) We went about 2 months with no contact at all and then I got a phone call from him. (I was really surprised because in the past we would go long periods of time with no contact and he would never contact me unless I reached out first) He said that he was calling because he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and explained that he didn't get his cell phone yet. He was far away because he got a new job in a different area and was telling me about how well he is doing and all the improvements. I was at work so I had to go, he said he would call me back the next day but he never did. so then the day after that I called him and the person said they would let him know I called but he never called back. It's been about 5 days now and still no call.

Does all of this mean anything or am I just over thinking?

Thank you for all the help and advice
25-10-13, 10:25 PM
Hopefully

He definitely has feelings for you. However, those feelings may be nothing more than missing you. I hate to say it, but if he was okay breaking up with you, and now, is 'wanting' to talk to you and learn about your feelings, he probably misses the idea of a girlfriend more than he misses you.

This isn't necessarily the case, but often times this happens. He breaks up with you because of various resins, then when he's single, he realizes how much he misses the idea of a girlfriend, and he wants you back.

Next time he calls you, be straight with him. You said that you still have feelings for him, he can probably tell this. Ask him if he is still interested in you, it's really the only way to learn for sure.

It's a hard thing to do, but it will hurt you more if you enter a relationship with him, with completely different expectations. Just trying to look out for you.

Good luck
26-10-13, 01:31 AM
Emilieya

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopefully [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He definitely has feelings for you. However, those feelings may be nothing more than missing you. I hate to say it, but if he was okay breaking up with you, and now, is 'wanting' to talk to you and learn about your feelings, he probably misses the idea of a girlfriend more than he misses you.

This isn't necessarily the case, but often times this happens. He breaks up with you because of various resins, then when he's single, he realizes how much he misses the idea of a girlfriend, and he wants you back.

Next time he calls you, be straight with him. You said that you still have feelings for him, he can probably tell this. Ask him if he is still interested in you, it's really the only way to learn for sure.

It's a hard thing to do, but it will hurt you more if you enter a relationship with him, with completely different expectations. Just trying to look out for you.

Good luck

Thank you so much for the great points and advice :) I agree with you I need to talk to him and ask him about it but the thing is that in the past every time I would ask things like that he would take it the wrong way like as if I was asking him to be in a relationship or telling him that I wanted a relationship and then thats when he would start saying things like "I can't because I feel like i'm always hurting you" ..etc... and it would really push him away. I don't want to risk doing that again. and it seems that when I act like I moved on that's when he seems to talk to me more...

Thank you for the advice :)
26-10-13, 03:35 AM
BackUpOrGetStng

Sounds like you are a backup plan for him. That's why he only talks to you when he feels you moving on. Also why he was persistent about knowing if you've slept with anyone.
26-10-13, 03:39 AM
Starnique

^^^agree.

If he wanted to get back with you, his approach would be more consistent, not every few months. He wants to keep tabs on you so when he ready to come back, he'll know you're still available. If you still have feelings for him then you should cut contact unless you're okay with what he's doing. I say move on if his effort isn't stronger as oppose to getting caught up in your feelings. =)
05-11-13, 06:56 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilieya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

1) The last time we hung out he was kind of playing with my hands and he put his fingers inside my fingers like he was going to hold my hand (but then I kind of pulled my hand away because I had told him that I moved on so I didn't want him to feel that pressure again)

Reaching to hold your hand doesn't mean he loves you... it was simply a prelude to coming onto you and eventually leading to sex (which it did according to you in your other thread) Its banal and means nothing.

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2) We had a friends with benefits relationship and he asked me 2 or 3 times if I slept with another guy. But the way he asked was like it was bothering him, like his tone of voice changed.

He was probably gauging whether or not he should be worried about catching something from you and whether of not he should wear a rubber.

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3) I woke up in the night and he was cuddling me

A comfort thing. Nothing more. You were there, you'd do for the moment he wanted to cuddle. It doesn't mean he loves you... particularily since all he ever did with you is sex and not much more.

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4) The next morning he brought me to the restaurant and he kept saying things like "you're going to really like the place i'm bringing you" and then after the meal I was talking about paying with my debit card and he never said anything but then the waitress said "you wanted it all on one bill right?" and he said yes and payed my meal

He's got to eat. Paying for you does not mean he loves you.

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5) He was asking me a lot of questions about my future plans, career, jobs and projects I was working on

It's called "small talk" and it's better then awkward silences where he's taking a chance that you might start confessing your feelings for him again. He's a person who does what people do. It doesn't mean he loves you.

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6) When I got home he texted me with his friends phone telling me that as soon as he gets his own phone that he would text me (which means he was planning on keeping contact with me)

He WAS planning? Anyway, if he wants more sex then yes, he'd have to be able to reach you.

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7) We went about 2 months with no contact at all and then I got a phone call from him. (I was really surprised because in the past we would go long periods of time with no contact and he would never contact me unless I reached out first) He said that he was calling because he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and explained that he didn't get his cell phone yet. He was far away because he got a new job in a different area and was telling me about how well he is doing and all the improvements. I was at work so I had to go, he said he would call me back the next day but he never did.

People who love you don't go two months without talking to you between sex.

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so then the day after that I called him and the person said they would let him know I called but he never called back. It's been about 5 days now and still no call.

yet more indication that you are a option, not a priority.

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Does all of this mean anything or am I just over thinking?

You're not "over" thinking. You're "hopefully" thinking. And.... you're wasting your brain matter. Like I said. A guy who actually loved you would NOT go two months without talking to you.

My advise ~ I gave you in your other two threads about this dip stick. Stop your hopefully thinking and do the mental work YOU NEED to do to get yourself over your one sided obsession of this guy. You are wasting your own good dating years pining away for someone who doesn't want you the way you want him. Stop doing that to yourself.

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Thank you for all the help and advice

The truth is seldom appreciated but when you "get it" you will thank me then. Get that book I recommended in your other thread. It will help you to process this mess you've put yourself in.
05-11-13, 12:36 PM
Silent Siren

I'm sorry...I know I'm not a guy and shouldn't be answering this question but it hits close to home so please humor me :lol:

Honey, he's using you for a cushion. I know most people don't want to hear this but I'm not one to sugarcoat. If you're putting yourself there where he can come to you whenever he feels like he needs something (whether it be a friend, sex, sympathetic ear, or just someone to hang out with).

It's an awful awful thing that guys do and they don't even know how awful it is...so we can't totally blame them. He isn't thinking about it in the same terms as you...a potential future. He is thinking of now and what is gratifying now. And he probably thinks that you are thinking the same.

Your best bet is to be whoever you are without any attachment (including overthinking these little things! they ARE just that...little things) to an outcome. If you are determined to look for a life partner or someone to have a future with, I would probably start looking elsewhere. He's obviously not ready for that sort of thing or you would know it.
06-11-13, 06:35 AM
Alex Gu

I agree that he's stringing you along. The best bet would be just to confront him though. All these "I wonder how he/she feels" is too complicated to think about based on assumptions. All of us here could be wrong you know. It's also possible that he's the type that's not honest with his feeling. He might have inferiority complex for all we know.