I think im ready to share my story.
I hope you guys read this, and i hope to move on little by little from this point. but like i tell myself all the time "time heals everything." i guess i expect everything to be gone overnight. but ive learned that doesnt happen.
The quote of the year for me is a toss-up between " i feel in love with the wrong man," or " i fell in love with an asshole." both fits so well for me.
my name is christian. im 20 yrs old. living in NY. looking for love in all the wrong places, and if not that, hardly looking at all. im single and im gay. just saying that, i feel apprehension already. i know we all live in a different world now, and that people are more accepting. but its still very hard.
i use to work in an office in NYC. ive left that job only last week to fully move on from him. his name was christopher, though he does have a nickname. hes 34 yrs old, recently divorced, and became the love of my life, and ruined it at the same time. in the beginning, it was only hey or hello or wats up. we started really talking about 8 months in. it was a time for me when i was depressed and going through a crisis of what am i doing with my life, am i making the right choices, and i have to accept myself for who i am, and not care about what other people say, or even what my family might think or say. so i was very sad, and everything was dark. then he became that sunlight or that reason to wake-up and feel good. he made me happy, and i could tell i made him happy too. we talked about everything. i felt so safe and secure around him. we would joke around. one thing that i would always remember was when he said he would look out for me. and that feeling of someone watching out for me was something i never had. i felt so special, because in that office, he didnt talk to anyone with such kindness. i mean we had a connection. he would always find ways to get my attention. he use to leave his cigarettes in my desk drawer. so that everyday he would come over and it would the same convo. why are leaving your cigs there? because. or he would always throw paper balls in my garbage, pretending he would play basketball. and for all that time, we had maybe one serious conversation, about his ex. all the other times we talked, it was different. i mean its hard to explain. we would always look at each and have this happy face or this flirting face. sort of like a face you get when your talking to someone, but your so excited or happy you cant contain it. i mean i felt it, and i know he felt it too.
see all this reminiscing is hard cause it was such good times. things that i could never forget.
we use to have lunch everyday. like italian or something from around the corner. and he paid everytime. i didnt have to ask him. and when i did pay, he would get mad. and when i asked him y he never lets me pay, he couldnt find an answer and just said cause i over ride you. i was like fine. and little things too, like ice cream or watever. we use to get ice cream every friday night. and he would call me. and he use to leave messages on my fone. and it was great having a guy there to like. something that got me happy. i mean hes an attractive man. and we would always comments on each others clothes, even jokingly. i would look soo cute for him, and i know he did too. i really just wanted his approval. he was THE man.
and all this time, i kept telling myself christian you have to let go, you cant have him. he is not for you. but deep down i had hope. i mean you cant go through life not having hope for something, a desire. i mean thats my story right there. living my life in hiding and not finding the right person. and i know im young. but when?
i mean all the attention i got from him was getting too much. i had to stop it, cause 24 hours 7 days a week he was on my mind. i mean i failed all my classes cause i couldnt focus. i was failing in my job. everything was falling apart because of him. i just needed to move on. i just didnt know how to. or if i even wanted to.
i could pinpoint this one moment in my life where everything changed. a moment that i will forever regret. that one moment that couldve made everything different. it was this one saturday night, and it was raining. i was in my bed, and i left my AIM on. i woke up and found that he has IMed. and im thinking to myself how did he get my SN? i never gave it to him. so then i found out what his SN was. i regret that moment cause i couldve talked to him. and he kept IMing me, but i kept missing it. that was the point when i told myself no more. so for the next 3 weeks i didnt talk to him. and he didnt talk to me either. and we both were being bitchy to each other. and we both knew it. so he started talking to the receptionist. and not to me. of course i got jealous. they were laughing all day, talking on the computer. what made it worse was that i was friends with the receptionist too. and it hurt. i wanted to yell at her and tell her to stop. so eventually we started talking again, but it was never the same. and i found out that he was talking all this shit about me. going to the boss. and all i could think about was the promise he made that he would look out for me. and what i hated the most was how behind my back he would say bad things about me, but to my face he was all nice-nice. i mean all his bad-talking didnt a thing cause they all know how good of an employee i am. but he was suppose to look out for me. i spent all my time and energy for him. and i wish he knew that the reason that i stopped talking to him was not because i didnt like him, but because i loved him. that in order for me to move on with my life, i had to leave him behind. but of course its hard when you work with someone and see them everyday. so yea, we would still say hi and have little talk here and there, but nothing. not the same.
for a little while there, i thought i had moved on. thought that i was free. but not really. i mean all that he said hurt me so much. everything that he was planning hurt me. i gave him everything i couldve. but i know i shouldnt have. i was hanging on to nothing. and thats whats making it worse. so as a final step to move on, i decided to quit my job. and it sucks cause i love that job, its just seeing him is bitter-sweet. i know there was something between us. something not said. and i wish i did say those things to him, and knowing that he knew would have been enough for me. i know behind all the talk, there is kindness. and thats something that id rather take over the bad. for awhile there, he took care of me. and ill never forget it. so my last day was last week. and you would think that he would say something or do something. but he didnt. when everyone was pitching in to get me a cake, he decided not to. and when it was time to say goodbye, he didnt say anything and just walked out. thats whats hurting right now. i didnt get the closure that i wanted. a goodbye, a wave, something to tell me, show me, that this is it, its done, over. i wanted to say goodbye and say thank you for everything, but i didnt.
would i have wished to never have known him or take wat happened for what it is? im happy and sad that i went through that. but i learned a lot. and there are people in our life we can never forget. i dont want to forget him. never. i just want to remember him, just for the sweet memories. im still hoping someday that we would know what i truly felt.
so theres my story. i know its a long one. and a little out there. so i guess the healing continues. i put up the our picture together as my wall-paper. i dont know if its good thing. but i still like to look at him. just to remember..
