Clingy Boyfriend

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02-08-11, 12:46 PM
Blondie001

Clingy Boyfriend

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and live together. Yes we rushed things and what not, but he is now COMPLETELY clingy and driving me crazy. I have ignored it the whole time, but i cannot stand it anymore. He tries to kiss me every chance he gets, he always stops me in the middle of walking around the house and puts is arm around me (or randomly kiss me), and always trying to hold my hand or cuddle. Pretty much touching me in some way every second i am home. I never have any space, and because of this, when I DO get some space, I take advantage of it by being alone. Now hes complaining about why I never kiss him, or try to show affection to him. I tell him all the time its becase hes too clingy and i need space but he doesnt understand. I dont even have sex with him anymore.

Any ideas of what I should do? Moving out is not much of an option, my sister took my room and I have a dog here that I cant take with me.
02-08-11, 01:23 PM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondie001 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and live together. Yes we rushed things and what not,

Yes, yes you did.

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but he is now COMPLETELY clingy and driving me crazy. I have ignored it the whole time,

Learn to communicate nicely instead of ignoring things. By saying nothing he thinks it's okay and he was just doing what he liked doing to/with you.

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but i cannot stand it anymore.

You need to grow up and learn to communicate (I think I said that already though)

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He tries to kiss me every chance he gets, he always stops me in the middle of walking around the house and puts is arm around me (or randomly kiss me), and always trying to hold my hand or cuddle. Pretty much touching me in some way every second i am home. I never have any space, and because of this, when I DO get some space, I take advantage of it by being alone.

Yea, you said that already. Have you ever communicated to him that you don't like all that attention, that it's nice now and again but too much of a good thing ruins the spontinaety?

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Now hes complaining about why I never kiss him, or try to show affection to him. I tell him all the time its becase hes too clingy and i need space but he doesnt understand. I dont even have sex with him anymore.

Just telling him that he's too clingly does not explain why you don't want sex. Why don't you want sex, really? Do you not love this guy at all? What made you move in with him in the first place? After only 1 year you should want sex with him unless you've just discovered that you don't even like him never mind love him. Why did you move in with him so quickly in the first place... before you even knew him well?

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Any ideas of what I should do? Moving out is not much of an option, my sister took my room and I have a dog here that I cant take with me.

Yea, put some bloody effort into your relationship so that it's not so one sided and try to have an open and honest conversation with him as to why you're a cold fish towards him. Either that, or lady-ball up by getting rid of the dog and begging your parents to put you up on a couch.
02-08-11, 10:51 PM
devonbrown

You need to communicate with him better. The reality is that you are in a relationship with him and it is up to BOTH of you to work on the relationship. If you can't do it alone, I would suggest possibly seeking some couple's counseling, where you have a third party outsider who is trained in how to help both of you listen and talk with other.
Closing yourself off from him only does more harm than good.

You have to understand your relationship involves both of you. And relationships take work.

Good luck.
02-08-11, 11:26 PM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blondie001 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Moving out is not much of an option, my sister took my room and I have a dog here that I cant take with me.

So basically, you're using him for a place to stay, and you don't really like him.

Once you actually sit down and admit that to yourself, you can figure out the next steps.
03-08-11, 12:03 AM
HeartIsAching

Communicate with him. All you're doing now is guaranteeing the relationship will end acrimoniously.

TELL him he's too clingy, that you don't like to be grabbed/kissed all the time.

STOP using your vagina as a weapon.
03-08-11, 02:39 AM
IncognitoSir

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So basically, you're using him for a place to stay, and you don't really like him.

Once you actually sit down and admit that to yourself, you can figure out the next steps.

Grow a pair, break up with him, admit to HIM you are only using him for sheltering purposes, move out, learn to communicate properly within a relationship, and next time maybe don't move in with a guy you don't actually love...
03-08-11, 03:26 AM
kageri

I think he's just gonna keep annoying you even if you do communicate well. This is exactly my last relationship except I knew better than to move in with him. His base personality is to be hands on and all over the other person. Your base personality is to have space and only moments of being intimate. It's never going to work because even if you tell him individual things you don't like and communicate it well there will always be something else since it's his nature. Does the place have 2 bedrooms? It's time to become roommates until you can get your own place.

I don't think a year is rushing things. My husband moved in with me in a month and it worked out great. I moved in with my first boyfriend after 3 years and it went horribly. Time has nothing to do with whether you are rushing or if things will work out. It all depends on your ability to judge the potential of the relationship and this time you failed at it.
03-08-11, 03:27 AM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by kageri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My husband moved in with me in a month and it worked out great. I moved in with my first boyfriend after 3 years and it went horribly.

[url=http://www.childrensmercy.org/stats/category/SmallSampleSizeIssues.asp]Category: Small sample size issues[/url]
03-08-11, 03:29 AM
kageri

Do I have to go through all 100 or so examples I probably can come up with using every person's relationship I know? I gave one example because there's no reason typing out 100. Length of time until moving in or getting married really has nothing to do with success.
03-08-11, 03:38 AM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by kageri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do I have to go through all 100 or so examples I probably can come up with using every person's relationship I know? I gave one example because there's no reason typing out 100. Length of time until moving in or getting married really has nothing to do with success.

Your view on this is biased for several reasons, and the fact that you immediately got defensive is a good indicator as well.

The point I was making: Just because you've seen a few cases go one way or another doesn't mean what you're saying is true. Logic would say that people who move in after one month are probably rushing it, since that's not enough time to get to know someone. You might have strong feelings, but those don't make a good, long-term cohabitational situation.

I'm happy that it worked out for you. I would strongly caution against you using your example to guide other people though.
03-08-11, 10:16 AM
kageri

I'm assuming you have no number of experiences or examples that you would accept as being knowledgeable since you gave none. I know lots of people who have waited years and then got divorced in months or called off the wedding at the last minute and people who have gotten married in months and are celebrating their 10th or 15th anniversary. I have seen it on forums a ton. I have talked with many people who had their own examples as well. I am not basing this on very limited experience. I'm basing it on lots of examples that show time has no meaning and no examples to the contrary where waiting would have proven something that wasn't already known. I also don't think you should move in or get married on feelings alone, strong or otherwise. There should be some logic applied to it. You may know one person in one month as well as you'll know someone else after 6months. It depends how well you match and communicate not how long you spend with them. People who require x number of days, months, or years to go by before each step are being silly and pointless because the correct number before they know someone enough is going to be different based on each person they meet. I couldn't tell you a single thing about the people in my tiny highschool I spent 8 hrs most days for 12 years with. I didn't get along or communicate well with any of them. I can tell you lots about the people I've ridden horses with 3 times. Time does not matter when it comes to relationships being good or bad. Strength of feelings is only a tiny contributor since people fall for someone they shouldn't all the time. You either get along and get to know someone or you don't and if you guess wrong about how well you know someone, maybe due to feelings clouding your judgement, you often don't find it out until after you move things forward. Even if you spent another year waiting you often will not realize just how little you are getting to know that person until you try something like moving in together. More time usually will not help you any more than rushing something that you shouldn't will. If it's going to work it's going to work and if it's not it's not irregardless of whether you wait 1 month, 1 year, or 10 years.

Some things you also just can't learn until you do try living with someone. I don't really believe in marriage without living together and having sex for that reason. In this particular case how would the person know the guy would bother them so much if they were just seeing him on dates or hanging out for the evening? It's normal to be all over the person you only see occasionally and even people who like their space tend to enjoy it for that short amount of time. No matter how many dates they go on for how many months they won't know the person is going to be all over them all day and night until they spend all that time with them which is living together. In the similar relationship I had the guy lived a long distance away so when he drove to where I lived he stayed over for the weekend and I got to know he would be like that and annoy me before he had the chance to try to move in with me. On dates and hanging out everything was perfectly fine because we were engaged in other activities and it was for a limited time period. Sometimes it's pointless to wait rather than dive in and find out how it works because the person will never truly show what they are like and you will never really be able to tell how well you know them and communicate with them until you see them constantly and all the issues that come with that appear.

That's why when people say x number of months is rushing things I do not agree. There is no set number and giving it more time does not guarantee or even some to correlate with having less issues when you do move to the next step.
03-08-11, 11:35 AM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by kageri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm assuming you have no number of experiences or examples that you would accept as being knowledgeable since you gave none.

This is a failure of logic on three levels. Name them.
03-08-11, 11:48 AM
lahnnabell

The initial point of kageri's post was simply to say that the length of time you date prior to cohabitation does NOT ALWAYS have an effect on the success rate of the relationship. Nor does how fast a relationship move. In MOST cases I would say, yes, moving to fast will result in a situation similar to the OP's case. However, this is not always true.

Ideally, yes, you probably want to date for a while so that you can learn enough about the person (personal habits, etc.) to see if you're a good fit for the long run. But even if you date for 3 years before you move in together, sh*t happens that alters our own personal worlds. What was a good fit yesterday, might not work today. You gotta take it as it comes.

To the OP, you DO need to learn to communicate. I don't know how you expect to get results without telling someone what you want (or don't want). You may find that by speaking up things could get better. I don't know how long you've let this issue go though, but it seems like you've built up a pretty solid wall against this guy. Might be best to just call it quits and move out ASAP.

Figure out what the hell you want to do first. Be honest. Don't just stay because you're afraid to move home. If you wanna stay, be prepared to have a long talk about what you want and how you want to proceed. If you really want to just get out, make arrangements for yourself, then break it off and get the fcuk out.
03-08-11, 12:13 PM
misombra

I caznt handle when guys are too clingy and touchy feely. Makes me want to run away. But you have a dog and a place with him so you'll have to be firm and let him know that it is a problem and is ****ing with your mind and turning you off.
03-08-11, 09:51 PM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In MOST cases I would say, yes, moving to fast will result in a situation similar to the OP's case. However, this is not always true.

I don't disagree with any word here.

However, that's not what she said:

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Originally Posted by kageri [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Time has nothing to do with whether you are rushing or if things will work out. It all depends on your ability to judge the potential of the relationship and this time you failed at it.

That's what I was responding to. She was taking her own case and extrapolating it onto everyone else, and that's bad advice. Then she got pissy when called out on it, and of course I'm just going to have fun with that.