Is it worth saving a relationship, by starting as strangers again?
I am currently in a relationship that has been going on for slightly over 2 years now but we are (well, he is...reconsidering the relationship).
And it is entirely my fault.
Of course, as in any relationship, trust is crucial and is the foundation to any strong lasting relationship. Well, I've broke that trust. I lied about some aspects of my life. I decided, after almost a year, to tell him the truth because I love him enough to want an honest relationship.
It broke his heart. He was utterly crushed, devastated, furious, angry and disappointed.
What this meant to him is:
(1) The person I care more, I love most, lied to me. What about the rest of the people, are they lying to me as well?
(2) If you (means, me - the writer), did not tell me the truth, I would have still believed what you told me, i.e. you are a good liar.
(3) Following (2), it makes me question whether there are anything else you lied, and since you are good at it, there's no telling whether you'd lie again. Therefore, the trust is no longer there.
Well, after a month's break up, we made up because we missed each other (I miss him) and he made it clear that it would definitely take time (a lot of time) to regain his trust.
Of course! It makes perfect sense, trust is not something to be played with.
But after another month, we had a discussion about me not being any different compared to the previous relationship we had. It's like hitting an unpause button and everything stays the same.
To him, it had felt like I was not committed enough to change, to do something different, to show that I value this relationship. That's right, the word is "value".
He's right. Well because, I'm not exactly an expressive person. I mean, I laugh, I joke, I can be crazy...but I don't express my care, my love, my gratitude, my support whether is it by any means e.g. words, action.
This is because, what he said (and i agree too), that I love everybody the same, I care, I appreciate, I support everyone around me. The point is, it's the same across everyone. And nothing different unto him, nothing special, nothing expressive, nothing to show that I value the relationship, as in, what makes this relationship different than my friendships.
And this thought has been in his mind for over 10 months, but we can never discuss this at the right time (what is the right time, anyway?) because I was busy with internships, my studies, he recently started work, we're both tired, and he's living quite a distance from my university (although he does come once a week over the weekend when he can).
He's great! He has organised 2 surprise birthdays (TWO!) contacting my closest friends (and he knows who they are), he makes effort to come over weekdays despite work, and even though he is not a physical touch person, but I am, he does so in the relationship. (Can you see it, that he's expressive?)
I, on the other hand, has just been on the receiving end of his love - while he is expecting at least something different from me to show that I value the relationship.
The thing is, I didn't know what needed to be changed, and that I didn't know expressing could contribute significantly to our relationship.
But I am googling, trying to get self-enrichment book summaries because it's my turn and I understand my contribution to this relationship.
The reason he wants to end the relationship is (not that he really wants to, but thinks it's the best for the both of us) he's become cynical and doubtful of me in the relationship - that because the trust has been compromised and therefore weakened, and I've yet to show or demonstrate anything to him that I value the relationship (and I could have if I had maybe be more expressive in the past 10 months). Also, whatever I say I intend to do in the future (to be more expressive, now that I know I must do) he finds it difficult to accept that I will in fact, do it (because of the trust).
I've been a really horrible girlfriend. Just awful. I would break up with me if I were a guy. But I don't want a break up (nobody wants anyway) and I would like to try.
In fact, it's quite ironic that the non-expressive one is the girl as opposed to the guy basing on what the media has portrayed. But then again, come to think of it, the media has often portrayed the guys making the effort and the girls receiving. It's not quite a reciprocal relationship.
I was thinking, if trust is something so easily broken, but so easily built especially when you first meet a person, is it worth trying to save the relationship, by starting the relationship again, by being strangers, again, As in, really start fresh. Please advice.
