Help a lonely 28 year old virgin?

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05-06-16, 10:21 PM
RandomGuyOk

Help a lonely 28 year old virgin?

As the title says, I'm a 28 year old male and still a virgin. In fact, I've never even kissed. If anyone could be so kind as to read this and offer help, I'll be very grateful. I really need it. Let me tell you a little about myself.

My whole life is good except the lack of companionship. I have friends, and I am very liked by people once they know me. I'm not socially awkward on a friend level at all. I am extremely considerate, honest and giving. I am good at the things I do. I'm a self-taught computer programmer who got hired with well below the minimum qualifications for the job. I've been at it for 3 years now and my bosses and coworkers all love working with me. I am college educated, and extremely smart. I went to a good school, UCLA, and got a degree in Geology. I am good looking, though admittedly on the skinny side. People have often made remarks about how surprising it is I never have a girlfriend, and I don't think they are just being polite.

Basically, I'm the total package except I'm mortified about approaching girls. I'm 28 and I've never even asked someone out on a date. I'm now at the point where it just feels like it's getting harder and harder because my insecurity about it all is growing. I feel like I'm still a teenager who needs to explore and learn dating, but I'm 28 and pretty much everyone near my age is much more experienced.

Here are the things I feel have and still hold me back.

I'm not especially shy, but I don't like small talk. I am always there for people when they need me, and I'm generally good natured and nice. I simply don't care how people's days have been, and I'm not good at pretending. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overtly rude about it, but I do feel I'm a bit stiff and often just say "hello" rather than "how are you?" I legitimately DO care when interesting or eventful things happen in someone else's day, but I can't stomach the mundane day to day stuff.

I don't drink alcohol at all. I've never been drunk, and I really am not curious nor do I have a desire to do so. I'm pretty sure this holds me back because I don't hang out in bars or night clubs. I really don't meet new people outside of my circle often at all. Even when I do, it's not like I flirt and make moves ever. Liquid courage could probably help me, but I really don't want to go that route. There has to be a way without it.

I think I leave a bad first impression on people. I don't know why, but perhaps they detect that I'm not sincere if I even do ask about their day. I also have a bit of a cockiness to me, but not in a jerk way. I've had many occurrences in life where I'm told years later that friends of friends didn't like me at all when they met me. All of them ended up liking me a lot, but it took time.

I've read advice on meeting people like "join a club for something you're interested in." I do think this is good advice, but all of my main interests are vastly male interests. I'm talking about poker, sports, and programming. I guess if there's some sort of clubs that are good for meeting girls, I am open to it. I would feel sleazy joining an activity just to meet girls, but I think that is part of my problem. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I don't know how to change that attitude which in turn affects my demeanor.

I simply don't want to be alone. I know I'm actually catch. I'm extremely brave and take risks in every aspect of my life except with girls. I know the risk/reward makes approaching girls extremely worth it, but I feel helplessly clueless on how to go about it. I can occasionally carry on great conversations with girls I've just met, but I feel weird even attempting to flirt. So I don't. Ever.

I think this is only going to keep getting worse, and I really just don't know how to get better. It's even gotten to the point where I fantasize about going to a place like the Philippines to find a wife since they're rumored to have a shortage of men there. It sounds pathetic, and it is pathetic. I know, though, that once I finally find someone and break down my barriers, I'll be a great boyfriend, husband, whatever.

Sorry that this was long, but I just wanted to explain. I don't think I'm in a normal position. It just shouldn't be this way. I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to fix it. I virtually never even meet new girls, and if I did I wouldn't know what to do with them.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can get better?
06-06-16, 05:36 AM
hazey daisy

Women don't give a rat's butt about your education, etc. Women are attracted to confidence...that's right confidence wins the girl.
Another strike against you is the fact you don't and never had alcohol or dance or go out and celebrate/socialize/party. Women like that stuff, they are social creatures, love to dance.
Unfortunately woman also like experience. This is something you are going to have to work on. If you have a close buddy of two, get them to take you out and show you the art of approaching women. And yes dance, you NEED to go out and dance with some ladies. Don't be hate'n on clubs and bars. If you refuse to go out and have a good time, no woman will date you.

Tip: women are just like anyone else they are no different than the people you interact daily with. So you just treat them the same way you would anyone else.
06-06-16, 09:22 AM
Archie

Women love confidence, that I cannot argue about, as for the rest..
There are as many different types of females out there as there are males. SOME like to hang around in bars and clubs, drink and dance till morning, but there are also females who prefer to sit at home on a Friday night and enjoy a good book or a pleasant conversation about how the world was created and what is the meaning of life. The question is, "will you find one that suits you?"

Judging by how you highly you talk about yourself, lack of self-confidence is certainly not your case. The fact that you're afraid of Their judgement is something much different. Everyone is afraid that they'll get judged as not good enough, not experienced enough, not fun/smart/interesting/etc enough. But the truth is nobody will know, unless you tell them. And the only ones you (should) expose that kind of information to are people you trust.

Now, this will sound cliche, but have you tried online dating? It may not be the best way to get out there, but since you don't meet enough new people, this seems like, at least, one of few ways you could go.
What happens is, you start a conversation, just like you do when meet someone new. Small talk is necessary to get a conversation going, even if you don't like it (me neither for that matter), but eventually the conversation will unravel into something more worthwhile.
If you get to it, it's weird meeting someone from the internet in person, but you won't be the only one feeling that way, she will feel the same. But if you make conversation, which I believe you're capable of doing, the wirdness will go away.
What you do, is talk, walk around the city or avenue, whatever, be yourself. Don't pretend you're someone you're not and by the end of the date, you'll feel wether you want to meet up with her again, or not.
You don't necessarily have to flirt, but it helps, a little.
Don't boast about your education, it won't help, for they will be able to tell wether you're a brick or really smart.
07-06-16, 09:29 AM
TheEvilJester

I really want to offer advice, but you remind me so much of myself that I am honestly not sure how to help. I have a feeling you've heard it all before. It's unfortunate, but the truth is there really is no way to get over all of this stuff than to just basically force yourself to get through it little by little. Baby steps, so to speak. The only way to get better at talking to women is by trying.

Believe me, I know how this sounds and I don't mean it the way it sounds.... but honest to God, if this all seems to daunting to get through on your own, do not hesitate to seek the help of a professional. This has practically become one of my catch phrases here.... but it is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you need help, nor is it to accept that help when you need it. We all could use a little help now and then.

I, myself, when about things the hard way and it hasn't really done me any good. Don't make the same mistakes if there is ANYTHING you can do to help yourself get through this. Though, I agree in large part with what hazey had to say, I do have to respectfully disagree with one thing. I don't consider it a mark against you that you don't drink. In fact, I think that should be looked at as a good thing. As it is, sure being a social drinker may have helped you.... but if it isn't something that interests you, you shouldn't force yourself.

Think of it like this.... since you aren't a social drinker, would you really even WANT to be with the type of gal you'd meet at a bar. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the kind of gal you might meet at a bar. They are human beings just like anybody else. But, the thing is, if that isn't really your "scene," so to speak, then why would you want to meet somebody there? That is why it is really better to just pursue your own interests and hope to meet people there. Better to try to find somebody who actually shares your interest.

Online dating is definitely a good tool to try. To be perfectly honest with you, though, my personal advice would be not to try it unless you do so fully aware of the knowledge that it doesn't really work all that well. It CAN and HAS worked for some people, but a lot of times people don't take it all that seriously. They put up a profile and then forget all about it. You can e-mail 100 women and not hear back from a single one. It isn't going to help you to try online dating if you think it is going to be a magical answer and you'll have women flocking all over you. It is almost similar to dating in real life in that way. Almost like a numbers game. You ask out several women who peak your interest in hopes that eventually one will say yes.

With online dating, I always suggest people go into it with low expectations. With the thought in mind that nothing will probably ever come of it, but it is at least worth a shot. That way, you can't be disappointed.

Anyway, being in a very similar boat to you, I wanted to follow along with your story. Frankly, I am interested to see what advice others may have. Maybe we can be kindred spirits, getting through this together. :D
07-06-16, 10:54 AM
melancholia

Quote:

Originally Posted by RandomGuyOk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

As the title says, I'm a 28 year old male and still a virgin. In fact, I've never even kissed. If anyone could be so kind as to read this and offer help, I'll be very grateful. I really need it. Let me tell you a little about myself.

My whole life is good except the lack of companionship. I have friends, and I am very liked by people once they know me. I'm not socially awkward on a friend level at all. I am extremely considerate, honest and giving. I am good at the things I do. I'm a self-taught computer programmer who got hired with well below the minimum qualifications for the job. I've been at it for 3 years now and my bosses and coworkers all love working with me. I am college educated, and extremely smart. I went to a good school, UCLA, and got a degree in Geology. I am good looking, though admittedly on the skinny side. People have often made remarks about how surprising it is I never have a girlfriend, and I don't think they are just being polite.

Basically, I'm the total package except I'm mortified about approaching girls. I'm 28 and I've never even asked someone out on a date. I'm now at the point where it just feels like it's getting harder and harder because my insecurity about it all is growing. I feel like I'm still a teenager who needs to explore and learn dating, but I'm 28 and pretty much everyone near my age is much more experienced.

It's pretty normal for that anxiety to take over when you hold yourself back from going out and talking to people. It's a sign of vulnerability to go up to someone you're interested in and ask them out; however, it's something that takes practice. Most people have been practicing this since highschool, but since you've held yourself back from putting yourself out there, how would you know what to do? All you need to do is go up to someone you're interested in and say "hi", and go from there. I think you should go up to every single female you find attractive and do that. Just introduce yourself and tell them you hope they have a nice day. Yes, it's small talk, but it's a nice, approachable gesture that will help you work through that nervousness you get if you have to break the ice.

Quote:

I'm not especially shy, but I don't like small talk. I am always there for people when they need me, and I'm generally good natured and nice. I simply don't care how people's days have been, and I'm not good at pretending. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overtly rude about it, but I do feel I'm a bit stiff and often just say "hello" rather than "how are you?" I legitimately DO care when interesting or eventful things happen in someone else's day, but I can't stomach the mundane day to day stuff.

It's ok that you admit this, but you will never get anywhere with anyone new unless you indulge in small talk. Getting to know a new person requires a TON of small talk, and not all of it will be super interesting stuff. It doesn't mean that all you need to talk about is how your days went, it just means you need to start somewhere. Once you start a conversation with small talk, it leads to bigger, deeper, more interesting conversation once you get comfortable with the person you're talking to.

Quote:

I don't drink alcohol at all. I've never been drunk, and I really am not curious nor do I have a desire to do so. I'm pretty sure this holds me back because I don't hang out in bars or night clubs. I really don't meet new people outside of my circle often at all. Even when I do, it's not like I flirt and make moves ever. Liquid courage could probably help me, but I really don't want to go that route. There has to be a way without it.

You do not need to drink alcohol to a) have a good time, and b) meet people. In fact, if you aren't a drinker, you probably don't want to be meeting people who are bar stars or enjoy clubbing. You want to meet someone who has more similar interests to you. There are tons of other places you can meet people, like new classes within your community, gyms & recreational activities, music shows, comedy shows, your local coffee shop etc. There's TONS of opportunities to meet people.

Quote:

I think I leave a bad first impression on people. I don't know why, but perhaps they detect that I'm not sincere if I even do ask about their day. I also have a bit of a cockiness to me, but not in a jerk way. I've had many occurrences in life where I'm told years later that friends of friends didn't like me at all when they met me. All of them ended up liking me a lot, but it took time.

Self-awareness is a really great personality trait to have, and you are definitely self-aware. If you know that you don't make the best first impression on people, then you need to start looking at your behavior that is causing that. "Cockiness, but not in a jerk way" is an oxymoron. There's no such thing as a cocky person who doesn't come across as a jerk. It's one thing to be confident, and to know you are interesting, intelligent, and have things to offer someone who might be interested in you; but if all you talk about is how great you are, and then you whine about why people don't like you, then you need to understand that you are the common denominator and you need to start observing your own behavior a little more closely.

Quote:

I've read advice on meeting people like "join a club for something you're interested in." I do think this is good advice, but all of my main interests are vastly male interests. I'm talking about poker, sports, and programming. I guess if there's some sort of clubs that are good for meeting girls, I am open to it. I would feel sleazy joining an activity just to meet girls, but I think that is part of my problem. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I don't know how to change that attitude which in turn affects my demeanor.

If you want to meet women, you'll have to take up an interest in something that's co-ed. Do you know how many comedians I know who started stand up just to get with women? Musicians do the same thing. Gym rats also do the same thing. Many men take up activities to meet women, because they know that's where they're going to find someone who actually interests them. And the best part is, women do that too.

Quote:

I simply don't want to be alone. I know I'm actually catch. I'm extremely brave and take risks in every aspect of my life except with girls. I know the risk/reward makes approaching girls extremely worth it, but I feel helplessly clueless on how to go about it. I can occasionally carry on great conversations with girls I've just met, but I feel weird even attempting to flirt. So I don't. Ever.

You're just going to have to suck it up and start being more bold when it comes to women. You can't just sit there and let things come to you, because clearly that's what you've been doing and it's not working for you. It's ok to be nervous. If you continue to sit back and let life "happen for you", then you will find yourself stuck in this same position months, years, decades from now, and you do not want that or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. It's ok to feel awkward, but you will never get past those feelings unless you try. You say you're confident and a "catch", so go out there and show these women that you are both confident and interesting. Women love that.

Quote:

I think this is only going to keep getting worse, and I really just don't know how to get better. It's even gotten to the point where I fantasize about going to a place like the Philippines to find a wife since they're rumored to have a shortage of men there. It sounds pathetic, and it is pathetic. I know, though, that once I finally find someone and break down my barriers, I'll be a great boyfriend, husband, whatever.

Nothing about what you are saying here is pathetic. It's all human, honest feelings and thoughts, and that is going to get you places. You just need to start trying. Be braver than you have been and start talking to every woman you see that interests you. Even if you aren't attracted to her, strike up a conversation because it's those skills that you will learn only from practice. Sure, you may crash and burn a few times, but you will get better at it, and you may find someone who you really like just because you put yourself out there to try and get to know them. You may make some new friends, you may meet some total bitches, and you may meet a potential love interest. Rejection does hurt, so if it happens to you, don't let it discourage you from trying. We've all been rejected before and it always sucks, but if you keep trying, you will get where you want eventually.

Quote:

Sorry that this was long, but I just wanted to explain. I don't think I'm in a normal position. It just shouldn't be this way. I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to fix it. I virtually never even meet new girls, and if I did I wouldn't know what to do with them.

It's not completely unusual. There's lots of men and women out there who struggle to meet people. The difference is you are trying to be proactive about it. That's the first step, the rest will follow.

Best of luck to you!