What is she thinking? Is it really over?
I will try to make the story short...
I am currently 23. About 1 year ago, I got together with a girl, she is 19.
We got together October 2008, about 1 month later, she went away to Japan for 4 months. During the time, I cheated on her with another girl. I didn't want to lie to her, so I told her this and I broke up with her, not wanting to hurt her any more. However, I was her first boyfriend and she really liked me, she gave me another chance when she got back 2009 January. I promised her that I will make her happy, she had high hopes on me, and I tried to meet those hopes.
However, given that I am currently in my last year at University, and I really wanted to get into investment banking, so I put on a lot of course works, extra curricular activities. During the time we were together, I couldn't really be with her all the times she wanted. We could meet on weekends, however even when we were together during the weekends, I could be thinking about my career, how to archive it etc. Its the exact opposite for her. She just finished her high school, taking a gap year, not doing any work etc. Hence I could imagine that she always wanted to be with me, but I couldn't.
I am happy and I have fun with her when we are together. However, the guilt of not being able to be with her all the time, and hence not being able to make her happy started to bother me.
During summer 2009, I started to work full time on a bank, and at the same time I also studied full time, trying to finalize my degree. At this point, I broke up with her, gave her the reason that I wanted her to find someone who could be with her more, who could make her more happy, because I could see she wasn't really happy with me, I was always absent minded when being with her, treating her like a little girl, dreaming about my careers. But I loved her. And not being able to be with her made me want her back just after a short period, and she came back because she loved me..
However, During october, I broke up with her again!!! For the exact same reason as for the first time.
This time I made up my mind and wasn't going to take her back, no matter how hard I missed her, because what I am doing is not good for her, I am not caring about her feelings. I hold up my feelings quite good for 2-3 weeks. During this time, she still called me, wanted to meet me, we even had sex a few times, she wanted to get back to me apparently, but I hold her off with determination.
But I still loved her and I tried to find a balance between career and my time her. I made up my mind that I wanted to spend more time with her and I wanted to prioritize her higher than anything else. I wanted her back, and I called her, started to chasing her back.
This is where I started to get confused. We met a few times. First she wanted to travel to town for meeting me. After few days, she didn't want to travel anymore, so If i wanted to meet her, I had to travel to her place. After that, she told me we should stop to meet, and after that, she told me we should stop talking in the phones and she could chat with me instead. I know that something is wrong.
During the time I chased after her, she told me that all I did was only talk, I didn't show any action to prove that I really wanted her back. Given that she doesn't even want to talk to me on the phone anymore, maybe she is trying to get over me, but I suspected she has met someone else. The day before the lat time we spoke, I went to her house. She opened her door for me to my surprise. She asked me what I want. I wanted to get her back. she said she hated me. When I tried/forced to hug her, she burst out and cried... She said I was teh worst thing that happened to her in her life... I left after that. The next day, we talked in the phone. She said she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she has met someone who she feels secured with and gives her security, but nothing has happened between them, its just going forward slowly.
As a man, I told her that I wish he could make her happy and I wouldn't call to bother her again. Since then, I haven't called her or anything. But the thing is, I really love her, and I really need help and courage to give up my dignity, call her again. I know she is deeply hurt by my foolish action.
Anyway, when I was chasing her, she told me I should leave her alone. But whenever I called her, she would still answer the phone and ask me what I wanted. She also gave me hints about what I could do to get her back (I am a obviously a nerd, knows nothing about love and girls), but I was busy/shy/stupid and didn't really realize those hints until now, when its to late.
Anyway, it has been almost 4 weeks since the last time we talked on the phone, the time she told me there is someone else.
I believe (or at least I want to believe) that she is deeply hurt, and just talking with her without action wasn't enough. She wanted security, security that she couldn't find with me because I broke up with her without any particular reason she could understand. And deeply in her hurt, she still has feelings for me, because real love doesn't disappear in two months. Or do they? In addition, why did she tell me about this guy in the first place? If she really wanted to get over me, she could have stopped to answer my phone, not opened the door when I visited her.
Perhaps she is only in a rebound relationship right now, perhaps not, I am really confused. Does she still love me? is she really trying to move on with this new guy? Should I call her? If I wait, would she call me when she realized that she is only in a rebound? Or she is really in love with this guy? But that would be to fast... Although this guy is really nice to her...
PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!! I AM SO CONFUSED AND I MISS HER SO MUCH:..........
