1st Post.. Help?

I've got a long story that I really need to get off my chest..

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Basically, January last year I realised I liked a girl I know ALOT.. Like, more than i've liked any other girl. I'd even go to the length of saying I loved her.
We got on really well and had so much in common, it was like we were the perfect match. She wanted a guy, I wanted a girl, and we both wanted something serious.

So all was well, we met up quite alot all the time and so on, it was as if we were a couple! But little did I know.. I had fell into the 'friendship zone'.

Things carried on, me thinking everything was going ok. I invited her over to my house with a few of my other friends, and I was hoping that we'd finally tell each other how we felt and i'd sweep her off her feet like some fairy tale.

To cut it short, that never happened.. In fact, when I woke up she was asleep cuddled up with my best friend that I introduced her to a few weeks before.
The following day she told me they'd been talking alot and she really liked him, and that they decided they were gonna become an item.

This crushed me, and as soon as she told me I just told her how much I liked her, and she said she was sorry but we were just friends and she didnt want things to change.

My best friend knew how much I liked her, but I told him if she made him happy then to just go for it.

The first few months were really hard and i'll admit I was heartbroken, and she completely knocked all of my confidence out of me.

She even told me when they first had sex and all these details about how great their relationship was.

They were together for a year, in which time I tried to find somebody but I just felt worthless and crappy which lead onto nothing at all materialising.

The whole time they were together, I rarely saw my best friend or her, which kinda messed me up because I didn't have anybody real close to talk to about stuff and so on.

Since they broke up about 2 weeks ago, i've seen her alot because shes upset and lonely. Like an idiot, i'm still here for her, and my feelings are growing again even though I know the next time she falls for a guy will mean she'l have no time for me again.

She keeps saying stuff like how great I am, and how she thinks one of her friends should get with me because i'd make "such a perfect boyfriend".

I've done nothing but care for her and try make her happy the whole time i've known her but it seems she only wants me when nobody else does.

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What am I meant to do ? Any advice is appreciated..

Thanks..
S

Quote:

Originally Posted by SP1989 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She keeps saying stuff like how great I am, and how she thinks one of her friends should get with me because i'd make "such a perfect boyfriend".

I've done nothing but care for her and try make her happy the whole time i've known her but it seems she only wants me when nobody else does.

What am I meant to do ? Any advice is appreciated..

Thanks..
S

Give me one second to look into your future with this girl:

:emot158:

Yup.. yup.. definitely..., absolutely..., I can tell you for sure..., yup.. there's nothing there..

Now, there are different ways to cope with this.. :emot2:

Some are obviously better and more productive than others..

The first thing you should do as you're reading this.. is just put everything you feel for her on the side for a second.. we'll get back to it later.. but for now.. let's leave those feelings and all jokes aside.. take as much time as you need to do this before you continue reading..

:emot105:

Good.. ;)

First of all, let's get some truisms out of the way, and into the open.. let's just put them out there.. on the table..

- You're a great guy
- You're a really nice guy
- You're really sweet
- You're really thoughtful & understanding
- You're considerate and care about the other person's feelings
- You're supportive and like making others happy, it makes you happy
- All you ask for is respect and the same level of affection from others

She knows you're a great guy.. that's NOT why she picked the other guy over you.. that's NOT the reason at all.. the reason she picked the other guy over you, is because although she knew you were a nice guy.. she was already getting and sucking all that value from you for free through this wonderful thing called "friendship".. She was not attracted to you; but felt very comfortable around you.. so comfortable that she granted you the exclusive right to be her emotional-tampon.. (i'm not saying the situation is pretty, it's a sh*tty situation, my brother has been there, i've been there, almost every guy on the planet has been there)

Here's why it happens: (Get ready) :emot60:

- You completely ignore "attraction", you dive in and keep the interaction with her as "friendly", letting her feel very comfortable around you.. From your point of view, you think you're making progress.. from her point of view, you give her attention, put in time, effort, money, etc.. and all she has to do is nothing really, just sit there and be herself.. and keep you around by giving you hope.. you're a "friend"

- You dig yourself deeper into this "friend trap" by being nice, pampering her, giving her everything, being there for her constantly, etc.. There is in effect no cost to your time or value.. You're showing her that you're willing to do everything for her and tolerate all this just to get her favor.. She knows this.. but doesn't want to give up a free minion/fan.. so she'll throw you a bone to keep you around.. "we're just friends".. "you're a really nice guy".. "any girl would be lucky to have you".. "I should hook you up with one of my friends" (cough cough.. which means, not me, in case you missed that little subtle point)..

Getting out of the friend-zone: (Does not mean getting into the lover-zone, it just means getting out of the friend-zone, and on with your life)

- Consider this.. you already know.. that you've dug a hole very deep for yourself, you already know that you're now one of her girlfriends.. a sex-less object to her, like a book or lamp.. you already know that she is out of the question.. But you continue to allow her to bruise you constantly by sticking around, letting her enjoy the pleasures of telling someone how great this new guy is, how great the sex is, even though you told her about the feelings you have for her (that's just plain insensitive on her part)

- The way to get out of the friend-zone is easy.. stop being her friend.. You're not losing anything.. you're really not.. don't let the chick-drama of "you're losing a friendship" distract you.. you're not losing a friendship.. if you want friends, you can make friends on your own.. You liked her, you skipped over attraction and focused on comfort-building instead.. you fell right into the "friend-trap".. she didn't find you attractive, but she enjoyed your value at no cost.. when an other guy came along, who payed attention to attraction, she jumped on him (thanks to you prepping her up).. and we know very well how the rest of the story unfolds..

"Look, ____, I just wanted to tell you, that we can't be friends anymore.. I'm sorry, but you don't seem to understand how much it hurts me and bothers me to be next to you as "a friend" while you're telling me things like how you had sex with some other guy.. I don't know what your idea of a friend is, but it's definitely not my idea of friendship.. Friends don't put friends in a box and pull them out to talk to them whenever they feel like it.. They don't keep them around for whenever it's good for them, and ignore how they're feeling.. It's just not going to work.. i'm sorry.. bye"

Don't be bitter, don't be angry, don't even be sad.. because you've already made the choice to tell her that.. that means you've already parted with the idea of her.. From now on, it's just a matter of letting her know that.. so there's no reason to let it affect you..

I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear.. but it's more work that it's worth to try and recover from the friend-zone.. especially with an other guy in question.. and with an other guy + sex in question.. Just let it go.. but DON'T stick around and be her personal assistant, servant, minion, & emotional-tampon.. end the friendship, and let her know why.. that's it.. end of story..

The message will be loud and clear.. establishing that you're not a needy wimp.. It might even get through to her friends, and I wouldn't be too shocked if you start to get some extra attention from them after the whole thing..

Best,

GrkScorp

Scorp, thats the best piece of help anybodys ever gave me!

Really appreciated bruv I mean it