I broke it off, but now I want it back...
So this is long:
So, in November of 2009, I began dating an acquintance I met through a friend. He used to come around to the coffeehouse I hung at and the bar I went to and I had known he had a crush on me for awhile, however he didn't really talk to me and I wasn't initially very interested. However, as I got to know him I began to develop feelings. I'm more open with my feelings, so I went for it. I told him straight up I like him and we began dating.
At first, judging by his demeanor and his facebook profile (gotta love technology) I thought he was the perfect example of what I look for in guys. He appeared like he is blunt, open, honest and doesn't care what people think. That's how I am. And that's something that attracts me. For awhile, it seemed like everything was fine.
In Feb, his grandmother passed away and he was very close to her. He came to me crying. It was very hard for him and it was hard for me because I hated to see him so hurt. I comforted the best way I could and stayed with him when he wanted and left him alone when he wanted to be alone. He left town to go back home for the funeral. He didn't text or call me most of the week he was gone. I understood he was probably emotional and dealing with family but I started to get anxious and concerned. Finally, he called me and I knew he was okay. That was my first clue that I feel deeply in love with this boy because I never had been so anxious before in my life.
Anyway, watching him go through the grieving process was very hard. He was very depressed, had no sex drive and was just out of it. I did my best to be there for him, it was tearing me up. We would have talks and he was really open with me, which made me feel good. During that time, I accepted something about me that I had known in my head but denying. I have depression and have lived that way for seven years. Watching him go through this made me realize that I need to work on myself. Eventually, he was done grieving and came back to normal. I talked to him about seeking help for my depression finally, but he didn't really have much interest in the conversation it seemed, which frustrated me.
So in April, I came to him and asked him if everything was okay between us. I said he hasn't been paying attention to me and I feel attention-deprived. He hadn't been texting me on days we were apart, doesn't call and seems interested in other things more than me. He assured me everything was alright, said he was stressing about some stuff at work. I told him he needs to communicate with me when that happens because I will worry if it's about me because I am self-concious. He said he would make the effort. I talked to him about how much text messages from him make me smile, as simple as they are.
The next week was my birthday. I turned 21. We had the party at his house and then the next day, we were going to dinner. That same day, he was stressing about something related to work but did not communicate it with me. He did, however, communicate it with one of our mutual friends. When I asked him why he was upset, he told me he didn't want to talk about it. It frustrated me but I dediced initially not to press the issue. On the way to dinner, he made a comment, the first comment, about me actually going to see a therapist. He said, "Don't tell [mutual friend], but I'm proud of you for taking these steps." I asked why not tell that mutual friend? He said "oh baby you know how I feel about therapy?" I lost it. I said "No I don't because you haven't mentioned it to me ONCE since I made my first appointment as though you're not interested! But apparently you can talk about it with [mutual friend] but not your own boyfriend!" I was hurt. I told him he doesn't have his own emotions anymore, we are a couple, when he's sad I'm sad. I told him it frustrates me that he can talk to his friends when he's stressing at work or in life but not me. I was upset. Dinner was very awkward. We were dead silent on the ride home, not a word. I began telling him that I can't handle non-communication and that he needs to be more open or atleast make an attempt. I told him it bothers me that he can tell everyone else, but not me. I'm the one who needs to know. I told him I need his attention, I need his support. I cried for the first time in front of someone in years. We talked it out, he opened up with me and we made up. Things seemed like they might be finally going in a positive direction.
Things started to go down again though when he continued to fail to send "good night" texts. I know how stupid that sounds but because he lived 30mins away I didn't get to see him if I worked late because he worked early. All I wanted was acknowledgement on days we were seperate, with something simple as "Good night, baby!" or just texts. I got on to him again and again about it and it only seemed to improve for a few days at a time. I finally stopped getting on him about it. I began to feel very emotional and attention deprived. On top of that, I was prescribed medication for depression so my emotions were a little out of whack.
At my best friends 21st birthday party in May, I was stressing about him. I decided to let way to lose and drank way to much, made a fool out of myself. My boyfriend took me in the room alone and unfortunately because I was so drunk I can't remember much of what happened. I tried to engage in sex and he refused. I began complaining about him not paying attention to me and not seeming interested in me and that's all I remember. Then suddenly he left angry. We talked about it the next chance we got, and apparently I hit him twice while I was drunk. =( I'm not proud of it. His father was an abusive alcoholic so it was very emotional to him. I got defensive initially when he confronted me about it but after calming down I became very apologetic and felt guilty. I promised I would control myself to avoid future problems and assured him I'm not even normally a "violent" drunk. We worked it out and worked to move passed it.
Attention deprivation continued and I began to stress more. I suffered from the anxiety of wondering if he even thought about me when we were apart. He always seemed so interested in everything else than me. I convinced myself I did not love him. I forced myself to say it out loud. I said, "I don't love someone who doesn't have time for me!" I drove myself to his place forcing myself to believe it. Then I told him it, and we broke up. I broke it off. It hurt to do it and I broke down and cried on the way home.
A few days later, I learned a couple of lies he told in our relationship and I hate lies. I found out he had a past relationship with a friend of his from work who he still saw and hung out with. When I asked him if he had contact with any exes/sex partners he told me no. Everyone knew but me and they all thought I had known. I was so hurt by it. It's not because I was jealous, but my mind began to wonder, why would he cover it up? I was even friends with this person and the whole time had not known they had a past. I felt like I was some big joke. Then, I found out some other small lies but they pissed me off because he told me to my face lies and for no reason. I lashed out. I sent him an angry text and posted over facebook how pissed I was. I aired the "dirty laundry". I did it out of anger and it was immature, I admit. But people do stupid things out of anger. A few days later, I texted him that I forgive him and want forgiveness and was sorry for posting it all over like that and saying mean things but that I was hurt. He forgave me.
A few days later, I realized how deeply in love with him I really am. I e-mailed him that I wanted to make it work and try again and that I'm willing to work on me. I told him I am in love with him and convinced myself otherwise because I was hurt. He told me he still loves me and misses me but can't be with me.
I'm devestated. It's been only one and 1/2 months since the break-up. People say I'm where I should be at, I shouldn't be over it. To go slow. But I think I am truly in love with this boy. I want him back, but I feel partially his stubborn pride is preventing us from being together. That or a part of him wanted me gone.
I question: Why do I want him back with all the anxiety I went through? That's what makes me feel I do love him.
This was really long. If you read that, props man. I mainly wrote that for myself. Fyi, I am not saying I was a saint in the relationship either. I could be critical and demanding, but I am willing to work on that. Any advice if you actually read that?
