Need Advice before marrying him...
Hi all. I'm new here and need some advice. Sorry if it's a little long - I kinda just need to vent too. :)
I've been dating my fiance for a year and a half. This past Valentine's Day he asked me to marry him. I was shocked and thrilled. I said yes. I'm really excited, but I am also scared. I'm 25 years old, have a great, successful job, we just bought a house, and have a super-cute 9 month old puppy. I'm generally happy with my life, and my relationship.
But I'm worried that my fiance doesn't understand the committment of marriage. He works on cars in his spare time, and seems to always make that his top priority. If I ask him if he wants to go out to dinner, he'll tell me he's too tired. But 10 minutes later, a buddy will call and ask him to go race at the track and he takes off. I have to practically beg him to do any work to MY car, and he hardly ever helps me with things around the house. I spend my weekends cleaning and doing laundry. He typically works Saturdays, comes home and changes and then it's back off to work on cars with his friends. They don't drink or go to bars or anything like that-they just do lots of different mechanical things. I understand that it's his hobby, and I don;t mind that he does it. It's just that he does it ALL the time, and I feel neglected. He doesn't want to take vacations together, and when we are home together, he is either online on the racing forum, or on EBay buying more car parts. (Oh and he has racked up a CC bill of $8,500 on car parts). I've tried to talk to him before and 1 of 2 things will happen: He'll apologize and change for a week, or he'll get defensive and blow me off.
I genuinely love him - he is sweet and caring and would never intentionally hurt me. He's always been there if I've really needed him. I just don't know that I can live with the day-to-day hum drum of his need to work on cars. I don't think he fully understands how much it hurts me, and how much the credit card debt affects our financial future.
Please give me some advice...I really need help. Thanks all! :)
from 15 years of married experience
Don't think these issues will go away after you are married. They won't. As Miso says, he'll have his thing & you'll have yours... this is OK. Couples who start glued to the hip either break up or have to adjust later. I strongly recommend at least one night out together a week after marriage tho, and especially after children arrive! DON'T let this slide!!
If you feel neglected, you need to change YOURSELF. Figure out what it is you need (be specific) and then tell him SPECIFICALLY how he can help. If he won't or can't--buyer beware! But make sure he isn't the entire solution, b/c this will NOT work longterm. Seperate, yet together makes for a strong relationship. Best wishes for a long, happy life together!
P.S. About the cleaning... be flexible in your solutions. For about $80/week you can hire a housecleaner to come in... Not a lot of money to keep peace in the house...