Advice please? Uncertain about 4 year relationship

Hi everyone. I was looking for some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend.

We're both 21 and in our second-to-last year of university. We've known each other for ~15 years and been together about 4 years (so since halfway through our final year of school). We get on very well - he's a wonderful, caring and loyal guy. The only real problems we've had have been my social anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. I don't really have any friends or much of a social life, and he's very social with huge numbers of friends and goes out all the time. I've been working on that for quite a long time - with limited success, but I'm seeing a therapist & doctor now and I'm getting better - and he's been incredibly supportive. I'm really lucky to have him.

The problem I'm having is that I just don't love him. I've always enjoyed his company but I've just never really had those feelings. The worst part is that I WANT to love him - he's everything I could ever want in a boyfriend, he's basically my ideal guy. But I just don't. And I have no idea what to do.

I'm especially conflicted because a lot of the time I feel like maybe it's my depression that is masking my feelings for him. I know there are a lot of things I used to enjoy before I became depressed 4-5 years ago (art, music, literature) that I don't any more, which my doctor says is probably because I'm depressed. I always wonder if my feelings for my boyfriend are the same way. :(

But at the same time, I know it's horribly unfair to keep dating him when I don't love him. He deserves a girlfriend who loves him the same way he loves me. But I'm terrified to break up with him... even though I don't think I love him, I care about him a lot and I miss him awfully when he's not around. And I don't have any friends or anything, as hard as I try - if we break up I'll be completely alone. I know it's a really selfish reason to keep up the relationship but there it is...

Advice please? I don't know if I should stay until I'm a bit better mentally and reassess, or be honest with him, break up and move on - and I don't even know how to do that. I'm absolutely terrified I'll make the wrong decision and screw my life up even more.

fafa, it's great that you're seeking help for your problems. And your guy sounds like a great guy.

I think the stay or leave question is one which you must work through with your therapist. She's probably got a much better idea than us of where you're at and where you're likely to end up.

Has your Dr prescribed anti-depressant meds? They can make a huge difference to your outlook. If the first one doesn't work for you, don't give up. Try a different one.

When my aunt passed away, I became extremely depressed, I was heartbroken and eventually went numb-couldnt feel anything. It was grief taking all my emotions away and all I could feel was pain and sadness. During that time I became distant from my bf, started having doubts about us and felt very confused about everything.

I searched for answers everywhere, felt so lost and didnt know what to do. I looked up loads of advice on the internet such as "the signs of a healthy relationship", "the difference between infatuation and love", how grief/depression affects a relationship", "thinking the grass is greener", "the 9 stages of love" etc.

It took time to find my answer and eventually I realized I must love him coz otherwise the thought of hurting him/breaking his heart wouldn't be so painful. Anyway once the grief started to fade and I started to feel like me again-all those feelings came rushing back-it was overwhelming, confusing, emotional and I became a little obsessed with him lol but Im back to normal now and were happier than we have ever been

I think you should keep him in your life but also join a hobby, make new friends, become less dependent on him. Then your relationship will be healthy