Current GFs past affair affecting trust in relationship
Hi,
I am currently in a nine month relationship with an amazing woman. Everything in the relationship is great. I am having issues dealing with items in her past, including a multi-year affair with a married man and swinging. When I found out about the affair, I asked if she was in contact with any past boyfriends and she said there were 2 people ( I was also aware of them). I recently found out that the former affair partner has also been in contact with her on a regular basis via Instant Messenger. And although the communications were "hi how are you" types of messages, the fact that she lied to me about them has really caused me to stop and think about the relationship. We discussed this and she thought nothing of the emails that they were completely innocent and the reason she did not tell me was to not hurt my feelings. The day after this conversation, she emailed him and told him to stop all contact becuase of my uncomfortableness. He responded that he understood and wished her well (she showed me the emails). The result of this is not only am I extremely hurt by this but also seriously doubting whether I can trust her about fidelity and honesty in our relationship. I am really at wits end on this and am spiraling a bit.
I know I need to have another conversation with her about how I feel and discuss the trust issue with her. The question though is should I be feeling this way about her past and it's impact on me? After all the past is the past, right? But how can you do that and trust someone that chose that path knowing the impact to all involved and then stay in contact with them for several years after the affair including through the first nine months of our relationship?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
J