Hm. Not sure what to do. :/

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18-04-14, 04:18 PM
Indestructible

Hm. Not sure what to do. :/

Before I get into the issue of this topic, keep in mind, I'm a 25 year old guy, that has zero experience with dating (all aspects of it...), not to mention, I'm socially awkward, and pretty reserved, and really don't have a social life, period. I've only ever really "liked" two girls, and both rejected me, I took it very hard both times, and both resulted in me making a giant fool out of myself, which lead to the girls in question both hating me, and me feeling even worse because of it (honestly, I'm still pretty hung up on the last girl I liked, and that was nearly two years ago...).

So, a few months ago, I crossed paths with this girl that goes to the same school as me. We're not in the same classes, but it's fairly common for us to see each other around campus. I kinda got the sense early on that she might have a thing for me, but I really can't tell (and I'm not much in the mood to gamble, after having made such a mess of things in the past). She talks to me almost every time she sees me. Sometimes it's just a simple "hi", other times it feels like she's trying to make conversation. Then again, from what I've seen, she seems pretty friendly with everyone, even other guys she has class with. So I don't know.

Thing is, I'm in a really... "weird" sort of place, mentally, because a lot of different factors... Such as:

1. I'm lonely, I'm starved for affection and intimacy, and here's a nice, sweet girl that *might* potentially have an interest in me.

2. At the same time, I still really want the girl I last had a thing for two years ago (or at least, someone exactly like her), and this girl at school is only "okay", in my mind, in comparison.

3. After a few interactions with this girl, I looked her up on Facebook, and basically tried to find things that would be turnoffs to me. Being a bit of a "nitpicker", that wasn't too difficult for me. Most notably, I noticed that the city she lives in is about 30-40 minutes away from me.

4. Yet, as much as I keep trying to talk myself out of having any interest in this girl, I find the possibility of her liking me to be peculiar, and I like the attention I get from her (and at the same time, when she's being friendly with other guys, I feel a slight tinge of jealousy).

5. But, even if I wanted to pursue her, I don't know how to do any of that. I can barely have a conversation, let alone flirt, ask a girl out, plan out dates, etc. I don't even know where I would take a girl on a date.

6. If I ask her out and I'm wrong about her liking me, chances are, things will become awkward at school. Granted, I graduate in a couple of months, but I just don't want to make that time unpleasant for either of us...

So, I don't really know what to do. Part of me wants so badly to date and have a girlfriend, but another part of me has these lofty ideals about dating and romance that most people will probably never live up to, and then another part of me is so naive and childlike that I don't even HOW to date a girl, and of course, another part of me is terrified that I'm going to make a big awkward mess with someone all over again.

Yeah, as you can clearly see, I overthink things quite a bit. But, that's kind of who I am... I'm a neurotic dope with some nagging anxiety issues. What can I say...?

I dunno. Any input?
18-04-14, 04:38 PM
pcmaster

Like you said shes friendly to everyone. Dont read into it. Ask her on a date and if she refuses then she still will be friendly to you, cause shes easy going social person. So again if she dont wana date then she will get over it easy and forget you asked her out. So stop worrying about her and dont worry so much about yourself and just go do it.
18-04-14, 04:55 PM
smackie9

You need to see a therapist. You suffer from horrible anxiety which inhibits you from ever having a normal relationship with anyone. Your ideas are a distortion caused by this anxiety....maybe some drug therapy with counseling an give you a leg up to have a normal life. Our many advices over many months of your threads have not given you much help to date, so it might be a next step for you to seek out professional help.
19-04-14, 03:50 AM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You need to see a therapist. You suffer from horrible anxiety which inhibits you from ever having a normal relationship with anyone. Your ideas are a distortion caused by this anxiety....maybe some drug therapy with counseling an give you a leg up to have a normal life. Our many advices over many months of your threads have not given you much help to date, so it might be a next step for you to seek out professional help.

I can't afford "professional help", though.
19-04-14, 04:15 AM
basilandthyme

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't afford "professional help", though.

continue as you are then.
19-04-14, 10:39 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't afford "professional help", though.

Talk to your family doctor. Surely he/she can direct you to someone who will help you. Even your doctor can at least prescribe some anti-anxiety meds that will help you to get out there and mingle without the angst. Once you're calmer, you can take some courses that will help you with your ability to socialize or you can look into hire a life coach or something.

You need more then lay-men forum advisors to get you where you need to be.

Good luck... start at your doctor's office and go from there.
19-04-14, 11:58 AM
Satina

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

2. At the same time, I still really want the girl I last had a thing for two years ago (or at least, someone exactly like her), and this girl at school is only "okay", in my mind, in comparison.

Setting yourself unrealistic goals (i.e. being exagerately difficult in your choice of girls when you don't have that many choices to start with) is just a way of protecting yourself against failure.

Just so you know, how you describe yourself, there must be girls on your campus who are exactly the same; quiet, shy, scared, and starved for attention and affection as much as you are.

Just be the best person that you can be, take care of yourself (physically and all), be friendly and open, be a bit more talkative to girls. Girls will notice and it increases your chances to find that someone out there who will respond to you the way you want her to and who will meet your criteria. Maybe it'll be that girl you're talking about maybe it'll be someone completely different. Saying you absolutely want someone like this or like that is just being close-minded; many people end up with a person completely different than what they had imagined for themselves.

Anyway good luck with it
19-04-14, 12:05 PM
pcmaster

Dont agree with Satina here. Been holding it back but now have to say it. Hooking up with quiet shy girls wont work cause guy is the same socialy akward type. There will be just silence and no one to fill it up. Now this girl are oposite - shes easy going very social, talkative can connect with everyone on social level. She even can connect with Indestructible. Now theres connection at social level but yet one have to test if they can connect emotionaly and further connect on sexual level. So theres 3 connection types and guys so far are on basic social level.

But yes good advice about taking care and being more social.
19-04-14, 04:39 PM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satina [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Just be the best person that you can be, take care of yourself (physically and all), be friendly and open, be a bit more talkative to girls. Girls will notice and it increases your chances to find that someone out there who will respond to you the way you want her to and who will meet your criteria. Maybe it'll be that girl you're talking about maybe it'll be someone completely different. Saying you absolutely want someone like this or like that is just being close-minded; many people end up with a person completely different than what they had imagined for themselves.

Anyway good luck with it

Yeah, I mean, I try to do all of that. I have a lot of difficulty really talking to people, unfortunately. Mostly just thinking of things to say. I'm good for the occasional one-off witty comment, but any time I try to actually talk or start a conversation with someone, it always comes off as forced and, well, weird. I try to just "be me", but it seems like "being me" means I fly under everyone's radar and pretty much get overlooked by everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dont agree with Satina here. Been holding it back but now have to say it. Hooking up with quiet shy girls wont work cause guy is the same socialy akward type. There will be just silence and no one to fill it up. Now this girl are oposite - shes easy going very social, talkative can connect with everyone on social level. She even can connect with Indestructible. Now theres connection at social level but yet one have to test if they can connect emotionaly and further connect on sexual level. So theres 3 connection types and guys so far are on basic social level.

That's the thing, I don't really want to be with a girl that's like me, in that regard. I've had other people suggest that to me in the past, but I feel like it wouldn't make for a very good relationship dynamic to have two quiet, reserved, socially awkward people date each other.
19-04-14, 07:38 PM
Satina

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indestructible [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, I mean, I try to do all of that. I have a lot of difficulty really talking to people, unfortunately. Mostly just thinking of things to say. I'm good for the occasional one-off witty comment, but any time I try to actually talk or start a conversation with someone, it always comes off as forced and, well, weird. I try to just "be me", but it seems like "being me" means I fly under everyone's radar and pretty much get overlooked by everyone.

That's the thing, I don't really want to be with a girl that's like me, in that regard. I've had other people suggest that to me in the past, but I feel like it wouldn't make for a very good relationship dynamic to have two quiet, reserved, socially awkward people date each other.

Yes I can understand the appeal of wanting to be with someone who has what we don't, to compensate for the strengths that we lack. Well then, it is really about working on yourself, sending out positive vibes, putting your best foot forward. In college you get to meet a lot of people so take advantage of it. The more people you know, the more chances you'll have to find someone good for you.

And good social skills is an attractive thing, but if it's not something you have (yet), use your other strengths to be attractive; what are you good at? Do you play sports? Do you play a musical instrument? Are you a good drawer? Do you have an amazing singing voice? Any of these skills can really impress a girl, trust me.
19-04-14, 08:39 PM
smackie9

Sorry what gets the girl is confidence hands down.

Wakeup is right, you should find a doctor to prescribe medication to help you with your anxiety.

I have talked to a temp at work, about the medication for his anxiety, and he told me he wished he had done it sooner. Of course someone with anxiety will take longer to get help because it prevents them from taking that step to get help. It's a big hurdle but you will be glad you had mustered up the courage to do it.
20-04-14, 02:09 AM
michelle23

You put girls on a pedastal, become so infatuated and delusional that she becomes some fairytale princess in your mind who is "perfect" without ever even knowing her. Then you keep that fake standard in your mind for years that no real woman can live up to coz it doesnt exist.

I agree you need therapy. First for your anxiety and second for a reality check to get over your old crushes and live in the real world where nobody is perfect
20-04-14, 04:59 PM
Indestructible

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satina [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And good social skills is an attractive thing, but if it's not something you have (yet), use your other strengths to be attractive; what are you good at? Do you play sports? Do you play a musical instrument? Are you a good drawer? Do you have an amazing singing voice? Any of these skills can really impress a girl, trust me.

Eh, I dunno, honestly, I've never really felt like there's anything I'm particularly good at, or that I excel at.

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You put girls on a pedastal, become so infatuated and delusional that she becomes some fairytale princess in your mind who is "perfect" without ever even knowing her. Then you keep that fake standard in your mind for years that no real woman can live up to coz it doesnt exist.

I agree you need therapy. First for your anxiety and second for a reality check to get over your old crushes and live in the real world where nobody is perfect

I suppose that's one way to look at it, but I kinda realized a long time ago that I specifically look for reasons to not be attracted to a particular girl. If I meet a girl, I can find at least one thing, within a few minutes, that I find unattractive. Sometimes, it's big, important stuff, but often times, it's petty things, that most people probably wouldn't be THAT bothered by. But that kinda stuff nags at the back of my mind, and I don't want to find myself in a situation where I'm dating someone but at the same time, I'm constantly thinking in the back of my mind "I hate that she does this" or "I can't stand the way she does that".

The thing is, I'm not looking for nor expecting anyone to be "perfect", but with the two girls I have liked in the past, I couldn't find anything about them that would've picked away at the back of my mind if I had dated them. I don't think I'm completely off base, here, because what it boils down to is that I'm not looking for "perfect", but I want to be with someone who I can appreciate regardless of their flaws or quirks; it's just that, I see things in more "obtuse" way.

It's not that I dislike people or anything; for the most part, I can tolerate people regardless of the little things about them that might nag away at me, but if I'm going to have a more intimate relationship with someone, I don't want that to be a person that I'm just "tolerating", too. Does that make sense?