Need a mans point of view PLEASE

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30-07-09, 08:58 PM
StillConfused

Need a mans point of view PLEASE

Ok, a little history first: My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. Toward the end of last year I started hanging out with my girlfriends quite a bit and when I was home I was in our bedroom watching TV with the door shut also! He reconnected with an old friend from HS (not ex g/f) just friend.....Anyway, in a 2 month period there were over 1500 texts between them and a little over 6 hours of phone conversations.

When confronted with this he said that he did NOTHING wrong, that she is JUST a friend and he needed someone to talk to about the problems he and I were having....Do I believe that? Not really but whatever - We went to marriage counseling and since then things between us have NEVER been better - Things are better now than they were in the beginning of our relationship....

Here is my problem now: I logged into his Facebook acct yesterday to upload some new pictures (he gave the password and knows that I can look anytime). Anyway, he has an OLD g/f from high school on there and has been on his FB for a long time. They dated over 20 years ago. She lives on the West Coast and us on the East coast. Anyway, when I logged into his Facebook, I saw a chat message between him and her......Nothing inappropriate EXCEPT after asking for another friends phone number, she then asked for his - He GAVE it to her and told her not to call at night "The wife has a small jealousy streak in her LOL".....That was his exact words and she replied "no problem".....That was the end of the chat. Did I mention she is going thru a divorce right now?

I guess I am freaking out over this because I keep thinking "HERE WE GO AGAIN"......I must say that up until I found out about the other girl, my husband has NEVER lied to me about anything that I know of - If anything he is sometimes too honest. And apparently he wasn't trying to hide his phone calls and text messages the first time because the cell phone acct is in MY name not his.

I also thought "well if he were doing anything wrong then surely he would have given her is work number and not his cell - He knows I check the daily usage".

What do you all think? Please don't sugar coat things - I truly need to hear the complete truth on this one.....Am I being overly jealous and just let it go (but keep an eye on things) or what?

Thank you in advance for your advice!!

Confused :upset:
30-07-09, 09:31 PM
Sor

Well it seems to me he's just having contact with old friends even though one of them happened to be his ex-girlfriend a very long time ago. Surely, since she is his ex so at some point they would have had and still have things in common to talk about.

He obviously thinks and accepts that you easily get jealous or worked up over nothing that's why he doesn't want her to contact him when you're there. Therefore he doesn't want to ruin the good time you're having by inciting ill-founded jealousy.
30-07-09, 09:46 PM
Raze

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sor [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well it seems to me he's just having contact with old friends even though one of them happened to be his ex-girlfriend a very long time ago. Surely, since she is his ex so at some point they would have had and still have things in common to talk about.

He obviously thinks and accepts that you easily get jealous or worked up over nothing that's why he doesn't want her to contact him when you're there. Therefore he doesn't want to ruin the good time you're having by inciting ill-founded jealousy.

What the hell is this garbage? She has a right to be jealous. He wants to poon her. Guys text girls they like.
30-07-09, 09:56 PM
Sor

I text to a lot of girls all the time, most of them I'm not attracted to in any way. I guess that makes me a strange man now or what?

Seriously, you don't make any sense if he was going to cheat he wouldn't take his ex-girlfriend from 20 years back and wouldn't drive all over America to do it. Especially not when his marriage is going great.
30-07-09, 09:58 PM
Asip4u

Raze you make me laugh sometimes..."Guys text girls they like" lmao! I have at least 4 female friends and we text each other a lot..Some of them are really good looking the thing is we're just not that compatible...If i wanted to could i get some action? If i tried i probably could but the truth is there are other girls i am interested in.

Now to the original poster. I really think you should trust your husband. From what you have been saying you don't really need to worry about anything here. He is keeping in touch with her and that's it. If you notice things getting out of hand like they're wanting to meet up often or they're sending inappropriate messages to each other then you can call him out on it!
30-07-09, 10:15 PM
Doc Durian

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillConfused [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ok, a little history first: My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. Toward the end of last year I started hanging out with my girlfriends quite a bit and when I was home I was in our bedroom watching TV with the door shut also! He reconnected with an old friend from HS (not ex g/f) just friend.....Anyway, in a 2 month period there were over 1500 texts between them and a little over 6 hours of phone conversations.

When confronted with this he said that he did NOTHING wrong, that she is JUST a friend and he needed someone to talk to about the problems he and I were having....Do I believe that? Not really but whatever - We went to marriage counseling and since then things between us have NEVER been better - Things are better now than they were in the beginning of our relationship....

Here is my problem now: I logged into his Facebook acct yesterday to upload some new pictures (he gave the password and knows that I can look anytime). Anyway, he has an OLD g/f from high school on there and has been on his FB for a long time. They dated over 20 years ago. She lives on the West Coast and us on the East coast. Anyway, when I logged into his Facebook, I saw a chat message between him and her......Nothing inappropriate EXCEPT after asking for another friends phone number, she then asked for his - He GAVE it to her and told her not to call at night "The wife has a small jealousy streak in her LOL".....That was his exact words and she replied "no problem".....That was the end of the chat. Did I mention she is going thru a divorce right now?

I guess I am freaking out over this because I keep thinking "HERE WE GO AGAIN"......I must say that up until I found out about the other girl, my husband has NEVER lied to me about anything that I know of - If anything he is sometimes too honest. And apparently he wasn't trying to hide his phone calls and text messages the first time because the cell phone acct is in MY name not his.

I also thought "well if he were doing anything wrong then surely he would have given her is work number and not his cell - He knows I check the daily usage".

What do you all think? Please don't sugar coat things - I truly need to hear the complete truth on this one.....Am I being overly jealous and just let it go (but keep an eye on things) or what?

Thank you in advance for your advice!!

Confused :upset:

He sounds genuine to me. Don't keep an eye on things. You haven't any right to at this point and from the sounds of it, there will never be a point where jealousy is warranted unless your jealousy drives him away into the arms of another women and completes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't trust him, leave him. If you trust him, stop fixating, build a bridge, and get over it.

PS- Sorry if that was a bit harsh but I have an extreme aversion to undirected jealousy. Having co-habitated with those of jealous nature, on two occasions, it rivalled anything a Jordanian torture prison could have thrown at me.
30-07-09, 10:19 PM
Chupacabras

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillConfused [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Toward the end of last year I started hanging out with my girlfriends quite a bit and when I was home I was in our bedroom watching TV with the door shut also!

You go out with friends and hide yourself away in the bedroom but it's not okay for him to talk to an old friend 3,000 miles away?

Things have never been better in your marriage for you, obviously he's not getting something from the marriage, and all those texts and phone calls show pretty clearly what it is.
30-07-09, 10:24 PM
StillConfused

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chupacabras [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You go out with friends and hide yourself away in the bedroom but it's not okay for him to talk to an old friend 3,000 miles away?

Things have never been better in your marriage for you, obviously he's not getting something from the marriage, and all those texts and phone calls show pretty clearly what it is.

I am sorry that my post was not clear: I take responsibility for isolating myself and hanging out with friends when he was talking to the first girl.....That is when the texts and phone calls were going on. There have been no contact via phone or anything else that I know of since March of this year.

We went to marriage counseling and things between us have never been better now!

Like I said in my original post, when i saw that he gave her his cell number, the first thing I thought was "Here we go again" although we are in a completely different place in our realtionship now than we were when he was talking to the other girl.
30-07-09, 10:28 PM
Sor

Chupacabras is right: lack of conversation with you, made him go and find it elsewhere. So if you don't want to go through it again, spend more time together and talk about interesting things or things you have in common or things that may be on his mind.
30-07-09, 10:29 PM
Doc Durian

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillConfused [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am sorry that my post was not clear: I take responsibility for isolating myself and hanging out with friends when he was talking to the first girl.....That is when the texts and phone calls were going on. There have been no contact via phone or anything else that I know of since March of this year.

We went to marriage counseling and things between us have never been better now!

I just don't want to go thru that again -

Who says you will?

He's hanging out with a friend. Unless he's excluding you, like you did him, what's unhealthy about his actions?

The guy is even confident enough in his and your relationship that he's giving you passwords, although I doubt he'd be happy to know that you're using them in a jealousy context. Should be the opposite. You should be thrilled, although somehow, I don't think you want to trust him or anyone.

This thing you're dealing with has nothing to do with him or your relationship with him. It's a personal issue of yours and just as you sought marriage counseling for the pair of you, you should seek jealousy counseling for yourself and on your own.
30-07-09, 10:30 PM
StillConfused

Another thing: I just don't understand why he feels the "need" to even talk to an ex g/f.....I don't care if it was over 20 years ago.....Maybe if I could understand that then i could deal with this alot better......UGH
30-07-09, 10:36 PM
Doc Durian

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillConfused [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Another thing: I just don't understand why he feels the "need" to even talk to an ex g/f.....I don't care if it was over 20 years ago.....Maybe if I could understand that then i could deal with this alot better......UGH

I have a gf from 20 years ago who I care to death about. We were friends first, partners after, and friends since despite never really being compatible as partners.

We seldom talk on the phone or email and seldom see each other that much anymore although I'd like to know what's going on with her and for her to know about the new relationship in my life as well.

We made two deals a long time ago. One, that if either one us ever won the lottery, we'd give the other half. And, two, that if we had to jump in front of a bullet for another, we would.

That's a good friendship.

If you were my wife/partner, would you have a problem with that? I would certainly have a problem with you having a problem with that.
02-08-09, 07:13 AM
Seradin DaCuir

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillConfused [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ok, a little history first: My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6. Toward the end of last year I started hanging out with my girlfriends quite a bit and when I was home I was in our bedroom watching TV with the door shut also! He reconnected with an old friend from HS (not ex g/f) just friend.....Anyway, in a 2 month period there were over 1500 texts between them and a little over 6 hours of phone conversations.

When confronted with this he said that he did NOTHING wrong, that she is JUST a friend and he needed someone to talk to about the problems he and I were having....Do I believe that? Not really but whatever - We went to marriage counseling and since then things between us have NEVER been better - Things are better now than they were in the beginning of our relationship....

Here is my problem now: I logged into his Facebook acct yesterday to upload some new pictures (he gave the password and knows that I can look anytime). Anyway, he has an OLD g/f from high school on there and has been on his FB for a long time. They dated over 20 years ago. She lives on the West Coast and us on the East coast. Anyway, when I logged into his Facebook, I saw a chat message between him and her......Nothing inappropriate EXCEPT after asking for another friends phone number, she then asked for his - He GAVE it to her and told her not to call at night "The wife has a small jealousy streak in her LOL".....That was his exact words and she replied "no problem".....That was the end of the chat. Did I mention she is going thru a divorce right now?

I guess I am freaking out over this because I keep thinking "HERE WE GO AGAIN"......I must say that up until I found out about the other girl, my husband has NEVER lied to me about anything that I know of - If anything he is sometimes too honest. And apparently he wasn't trying to hide his phone calls and text messages the first time because the cell phone acct is in MY name not his.

I also thought "well if he were doing anything wrong then surely he would have given her is work number and not his cell - He knows I check the daily usage".

What do you all think? Please don't sugar coat things - I truly need to hear the complete truth on this one.....Am I being overly jealous and just let it go (but keep an eye on things) or what?

Thank you in advance for your advice!!

Confused :upset:

As I said in another thread here: FACEBOOK IS A RELATIONSHIP KILLER. Facebook was part of the mitigating factors that almost killed my relationship with my wife. And the process of healing and moving forward HAS ONLY BEGUN!

Other than that, if your husband is hiding things from you, and is saying it's because of jealousy, he is not respecting your feelings. This is a sign of weakness on his part. If you have a solid marriage, he should be talking to you about this. If not, seek professional help before it gets out of hand.

You and your hubby need to read this book: Hedges, loving your marriange enough to protect it. I read the precis on this, and I have read about the book, and I just picked it up and have started to reading it. To summarize, you and your husband need boundaries around yourselves in order to protect your marriage from things that may hurt it, damage it, or cause issues or problems.

Here is the truth about trust. It is easily given, it is easily lost, but it is very hard to get back.