She's emotionally distant physically/mentally, yet she's afraid to lose me
Hi there, I'm new to the forum. My g/f is in her early 30s and a single mom. I'm 29, and never been married, no kids. About 5 months ago I met an amazing woman that I never thought it was possible, we talked for hours upon hours, it was that highschool feeling in love, and rare for us because we have severly high defense mechanisms... both our guards slowly came down. It was really close with her around her kids and her entire family, she started to open up, and felt towards being exclusive. While some relationships take a slower pace, I felt that in a short amount of time, we really started to grow on each other and opposites truly attracted.
Unfortunately, starting on January 1st, I noticed some severe mood swings. The closeness had gone away, temperment picked up on her part. Now the things I do for her emotionally and personally went unnoticed, and the things I missed as far as the proper mannerism a boyfriend takes on were taking the lime light. i'm not afraid to find my faults, but it was coming to the fact that she was martyring me for them. Very creud. in short, she is passionate on both sids of the spectrum... a true lover and then a spitfire.
The month of january was nerve wracking... she stopped initiating all affection, no hugs, no kisses, hardly any eye contact, if i happened to be at her house, and spend the night, it felt awkward like sharing a bed with a sibling, she kept her self in a proximity away from me... the catch 22 of it all was, she would call me 8-10 times a day, most of the calls were vent sessions either towards me or just her irritation level of the day.. the calls almost seemed like she was just checking in on me.. the quantity of calls replaced the quality we once had.
Come to find out after a blow out, things were getting worse, with her mood swings and my patience was wearing very thin........ She was pregnant... she was estimated 5 weeks pregnant about the time frame all things started to change. We had the long talk about what to do, and the mutual decision was abortion, catch 22 of that is.. we're both pro-life, but due to our circumstances we weren't ready.
2 weeks after the abortion little has changed. It's almost as if I get the vibe she resents me for the abortion process i put her thru (points finger at me), yet she wants me in enough proximity to check in and see me from time to time. She will say "I love you too" but again, never initiates any affection.
Recently we had a tiff that got out of hand, where she thought I left her out in the dark in my plans that i made abruptly and it rubbed her the wrong way. What it all came down to in the fight, I asked her one question:
What is your biggest fear that you have about me?
her answer: I don't want to lose you.
So, what I'm not understanding is, she's so distant from me, counts my flaws on a chalkboard, will mock me and instigate arguments... yet she doesn't want to lose me?
I will admit, my patience is wearing thin, I want to have a talk with her, but her defense mechanism is she feels challenged, her anticipation of the talk is "Let me guess it's going to be about all that i do wrong and what you do right?"
My response to that was "no, it's more to assess where are we at with our relationship, expectations going forward, and understanding where I can improve and understand what it's like for you and your hard times (since she's clammed up).
Just wondering what people think about my situation. there's a lot of good prior invested with her, her kids and her entire family. I'm not one to concede, but the stress in the past 5 weeks has taken a toll on me.
