I love him, but he's giving me mixed signals TLDR
So small back story about my self. I'm 24, I was previously engaged. That ended horribly, and I've been single for 2 years now. It's been hard but great learning to be alone and love my self. I'm also bipolar among other things, and have finally started therapy and medication. So pretty much my life has been hard and i'm slowly making my life stable on my own and working my way towards a career I love.
Now you have a little information about me, so you can better understand my situation. In July of last year I was working on a student film, and I met a lot of wonderful people whom I've become very close friends with in the past year. One person I met on this set named Jeff. I never got to chat with him during the set, other than two occasions where he complimented my hair and said it was cute and a second time he complimented my shirt. But we befriended each other via facebook and we realized we had a TON of things in common. We would have extensive conversations that lasted well into the night, and well we hit it off. A little back story on Jeff. He's 20 years old, he just like me also suffers from bipolar disorder. He lives an hour away from me, and doesn't have his own means of transportation. Making it difficult to see each other. We see each other maybe once every 4 months.
We hung out the first time at a movie theater and karaoke. I guess you can call it a date, we just didn't call it that. There I told him about my past like I've told you, and the night went great. The second time we went to a park for a hike, and spent pretty much the entire day together. Drinking beers and talking about films and past relationships. He then told me that he thought I was attractive, and that he would love to have sex with me, but he couldn't see him self taking me out on dates. It sucked a little to hear him say that, but I pretended as if though it didn't bother me. I once discussed with him that I don't see my self being married and I'd probably adopt kids, and only have one of my own. I asked if and when the time came if he could be the donor, and he said yes. He said the idea of seeing little hims running around making my life a living hell made him happy. So it confused me on his feelings towards me. One minuet he'd compliment me the next he was pushing me away.
Another incident was for my birthday, where I invited him and group of our friends to play laser tag. At the time I was casually go out with one of his friends Andrew, when he saw me and Andrew leave to say goodbye to each other via kissing and hugging and what not. When I came back to where my friends were sitting they were all making remarks about me and said friend dating and being in love, when I noticed Jeff was gone. Every time I would bring up Andrew to Jeff he would get annoyed. I refused to admit that I was dating Andrew because he was just a fling, and this really upset Jeff for some reason to the point he said, "Just admit it! You two were going out!". I once accidentally texted Jeff good morning thinking it was Andrew. He asked if that was for Andrew I replied Yes, and he never texted back. There's also been several times he's thought I was with someone and reacted by shouting "You're with someone!?". So yeah...
There's other occasions where it feels like he says a lot of things to not admit his feelings towards me. The whole you don't do things you want to do so people don't know that you want to do them. I am also guilty of this. We joke around about me ****ing him till I break his dick ( we enjoy dark humor), and he told me once that he was over me, and that he no longer wanted to have sex with me. I once told him there was only one person I could see my self with to which he replied "Me?" and I said get over your self. So this goes both ways. So I decided to just kill off what ever feelings I had towards him because they obviously weren't any feelings there for me. But this summer he was working at an amusement park, and I heard he could get free tickets. It was going to be my little sisters graduation, and I asked him if he could get me and her two tickets (My sister is a huge part of my life she's like a daughter to me, and he's well aware of this) as a graduation present for her. He said yes and if I could just give him a ride. I said yes (It's the least I can do), and I assumed he wanted a ride to work. Turns out he was planning on spending the entire day with us. He showed us around the park, giving us little bits of information on everything. He taught my sister how to pin trade, and hugged us telling us that today was a great day. At one point we almost lost him due to large crowds during a parade, and he proceeded to put his arm around mine and walk the park. He introduced me to all his coworkers every chance he got, and spoke them about how great I was at my job and if they needed anyone on set that i'm the one to call. It was pretty nice. It was like we were a little happy family, and it felt wonderful. When it was said and done I dropped him off and we hugged goodbye, and you could feel this mutual sadness between us. We didn't know when we would see each other again.
Then a few days after that I attempted suicide. I contacted him, which I have no recollection of. He was mortified and I felt awful for bringing him into my mess because I keep my issues with my disorders to my self or very very close friends. But he told me that he was always going to be there for me, he wasn't going anywhere, and that he accepted me for who I am, and he's staying for good. A month after that I tried again, and this time I got institutionalized on 72hr watch. He was one of the first people I contacted to inform when I got out. He said he was glad I was okay, and that he was working his hardest to come and see me and that he misses me. I told him I missed him too. This past weekend was his birthday, and I wasn't able to attend his little gathering. So I texted him at midnight to tell him happy birthday, he replied saying thank you and that he was drunk, I replied saying me too (which I was). He then called me, and I don't remember much of our conversation except him saying he had to get off the phone, but before he did he said I love you and I miss you, and I replied I love you too. We haven't spoken since.
In addition to all of this I recently noticed while clearing my snapchat conversations that he had saved conversations me and him have had in the past. One of them being where I told him that even though I pretend I'm okay, and that being alone doesn't bother me I'm terrified that I'll finally meet someone who accepts me and loves me just to put up a wall and push them away. I've been hiding my feelings towards him, and brushing them off as something fleeting, but they won't go away. I'm putting up a wall, and I don't want to act on anything if the feelings aren't mutual. I'd hate to ruin our friendship because overall I appreciate him being in my life regardless of any romantic feelings I have towards him. Plus I feel the age gap and the distance would be too much for both of us right now. I've asked a few of my guy friends about this and their all pretty confused on the matter. So what do you guys think?
