Hurtin For Certain

Hi All. I just felt the need to get all this out. I've been seeing a woman for about three years and through this we've had major ups and downs. I should mention that I'm 37, male, make a very decent living, and have been told I'm attractive and "a catch". She is 42, and a model. I know describing our looks might not count for much when it really comes down to matters of the heart, but it helps create some background on this story so bear with me.

The relationship has alway been a roller coaster. Sure we had our honeymoon period when the sex was great and the laughs were plentiful, but after that ended cracks in the veneer of our happiness started to appear. After three years she's still in the middle of a divorce and about a 100K in debt due to lawyer fees and some fairly devious things her ex-husband pulled. I financially supported her through most of this and it's unclear if she will come out on top of the end in all this. On top of all that her lawyers have told her not to get a job... so their was always a huge amount of pressure on us financially.

Beyond this, she's a bad drunk. When she gets enough alcohol in her she becomes an abusive person who picks fights and screams at me. This would usually occur every 2-3 weeks. She's also very jealous and would accuse me of flirting or cheating with other women when I wasn't. Please note that when she was sober things were very, very happy and we got along great.

During this period of hardship, she became depressed, gained weight, wouldn't work out, and smoked continuously. She's a total party girl as you can imagine and loves to take photos at parties, do photoshoots of people, and is trying to turn it into a career... though she makes less than about a grand a month maybe.

About three months ago I broke up with her and ended up seeing someone else for a short time. After 3 years of drama I was done. It destroyed her pretty badly and everything I had asked her to do to get it together started happening. She quit smoking, focused on her court case, reduced her drinking, and started working out like crazy losing all the depression weight. I was attracted to her again. I broke up with the other gal and we started seeing each other again... but then she started seeing another man. I told her how proud of her I was and we seemed to be getting along great... and then she recently said... that she loves this other man.

The shock of all this has been great and the tables have truly been turned on me. I know nothing about him beyond the fact that he's very good looking and it's just killing me.

The question is... do I really love her or hate the idea of her being with someone else? I always imagined us having a child together, and in my last e-mail to her (today, after seeing a photo of her and this guy on FB posted by a mutual friend which really sucked) I told her she's giving up her last chance for a family and a normal life and to reconsider. In all honesty her friends are shocked that I thought she would ever want a baby. They don't think it's in her nature and that she'll always be the party girl. I told her that I didn't want to see her becoming one of the old people at a bar where she just doesn't fit in.

This is pretty much a deal breaker for me. I want a kid. I do. I told her that if she wastes any more time that she will lose the opportunity for her own family due to her age (42) and that her window is closing rapidly. My gynecologist friend has pretty much confirmed this. I basically said it's either stay with this guy and you'll eventually break up with nothing to show for it, or be with me and have a family forever.

Wow I really put myself out there. I said her body and me could wait a little bit longer, but not much. Don't get me wrong. I'm still going to date other women in the meantime, but if she ever did come back and was financially stable after the divorce was over should I give this another shot? Should I agonize over mistakes I made though my reasoning was sound in the first place? Am I more in love with the idea of having a baby than this woman?

These are the questions I ask myself and you. I know you don't know me, but any help would be appreciated. I've started smoking again, am waking up in the middle of the night with insomnia thinking of her, and my work is suffering. I've already decided to call my old therapist and have prescription for xanax waiting to be filled.

I'm not trying to be shallow here either when I say... the age difference does concern me sometimes. Though she looks good now, I know that the wrinkles and crows feet appearing now on her face will grow... and when I am 43 she will be 48. If she has a baby with me it will be that much harder for her to lose the weight do to her age. I've read that relationships where the man is 5 years younger than the woman are three times as likely to end up in divorce. Should that matter? I want to say no if I really love her heart... which I do. I miss her making her laugh and how much she loved my dog and all our sober adventures we had together from shooting guns to riding snowmobiles.

God. Why do we want what we can't have? Why do we only appreciate something once it's gone? Why do I wear the rose colored glasses and fail to remember all of the bad times? Why?

Thanks again for reading and for any comments. Felt good to get all that out.

I had enought of your topic at a certain point,

So i did not read the last part.

First of all this is what you get for messing with married woman!\
Doesnt matter if she have a bad marriage or going true a divorce,

Cause old as you are you must know that she have a lot of baggage going true a divorce.
and that she still not single.

so you choose to mess with her. and not that you get a real look at the reality
you crowl back like a pussy.
i dont want to say this but all that happen is good for you!
you messed with a married woman now she do the same to you.

and model is noting special. its more like a hobby. i dont think its something that
people can make a long life living of. only when you get popular on tv and magazine and stuff.
but also then you have to make something else work when you get old, cause they will not use you anymore.

so this woman have a lot of drama and issues.
and i guess you got with her cause of her looks and the idea of showing off with a model
but you did not want to deal with the reality of it(her).so you wasn't first a friend to her.
but more someone that wanted to have fun and fairytale experiences.

so i think this is a second chance you get to clean up your messy life and leave her alone.
let her deal with her issues and get her life together on the other side of the world.
you are no match for her. she being a married woman is enough reason to stay away also.

you broke the other girls heart like it was noting, just to get back with this model,
now she did the same to you to get back with another men. hahahhaha("karma"?
she was never yours cause she stills her husbands wife
you still imagine and plan about kids with her while she is already gone and not interested in you.
you was with her for a while but didnt want to deal with the real her, only with her funny side.that is no
freind ,thats someone that wanted to use her.
there is enough lessons for you to learn out of this,

I don't know if you love her or not; all I can say is that alcoholic party girls make terrible mothers. (Be careful with your anti-anxiety meds, or you will be a poor candidate for fatherhood, too.)

I doubt she's interested in having a family, and really, she's already pretty old to just be beginning to think about having children. She is unlikely to be able to get pregnant without medical intervention.

If having a family is a deal-breaker, then forget about her and move on. (Find yourself a single woman with a job.)

You are living in a dream world thinking that you two will be able to live happily ever after. Be realistic here. She is too old, and not suitable to be a wife and have a family. Cut your losses.