Back in contact with a childhood friend, but what am I feeling?

Hi all,

I'd start off by saying long story short but I've said that before and blurted out the entire thing anyway so here goes...

I am 22, male and live in the UK. I am a University graduate (2011) and have a full-time job, car, live with my parents.

Probably 12 or so years ago I had a childhood friend, female, about 3 years my junior. Being that young age, it didn't really matter as we were too young to think the age-gap weird, plus she was a bit of a tomboy. We used to hang out daily, afterschool, weekends etc just doing kid stuff. She lived about 30s down the road.

I cannot recall how soon after but we eventually lost contact (Possibly when I changed schools) and only met once again about 6 years ago when I helped fix her parent's computer - by this time they had moved, but still in the same town, about a 15m walk away. She was about 13 then, I would have been 16 or so (I am not certain of dates) and we eased into conversation as though we'd never been apart, mostly talking about the teachers at my old shcool, her current back then. That is all I remember.

Fast forward to last Saturday and something made me search for her on Facebook. I found her profile, which claimed she was still living in the same town, presumably the same house. I sent her a friend request, which got accepted a few hours later much to my surprise as I was expecting it to be ignored being that it had been so long and some major developmental years had passed.

Looking on her profile, and just as I predicted those few years before she has turned into a level-headed, beautiful young woman. But, what hit me the hardest is that she is currently living in America, on a 4yr University course.

I posted on her wall, along the lines of "I don't know if you remember me, but <road name> is still the same as it was all those years ago, hope you're well :-) " which was met with "Haha, of course I remember you - who could forget <road name>! How are you??! :) " Pretty positive. We had a bit of a conversation, of which her last reply suggested catching up when she is back here. She has not responded to my last reply, but I presume she is pretty busy and has forgotten, or is that wishful thinking?

However now I feel strange - mostly I think because of where she is currently. Why it hit me, I don't know - and I still don't know what/how/why I am feeling. Strangely, I don't think I'm feeling a "more than friends" love for her per-se, but more the disappointment/frustration that she is so far away meaning that we are unable to catch up any time soon (I imagine Christmas would be the closest chance, if not then May). I am not sure, but my gut feeling I think is that I just wanted to rejuvenate the friendship we had as we were close, but what's confusing me is that I'm finding myself thinking about her a lot - not in a fantasy way or anything like that but just more wishing she was over here so that we could meet up sooner and imagining what it would be like.

I am not saying she is not gf material (though I believe she already has a boyfriend) as I am sure she would make someone very happy, and hope that she would be treated right, but at the moment maybe, I don't know, I'm feeling more rational, controlled feelings of knowing we have an old, loose friendship and nothing more.

The main problem is, at the moment, these thoughts are quite strong and someimtes I am unable to eat without feeling sick - my sleep pattern hasn't been too badly affected but I know when I have physically felt this way before (for whatever reason it was) that it can do.

Can anyone decipher what my mind is trying to tell me? I'm at a loss :(

I hope this makes sense and appreciate any input.

I also apologize in advance if I do not reply too quickly as I have to be up at 5:45 every morning for a 9-5 job, and do not generally get home until 7-7:30 in the evening, and at times do not feel like sitting on my laptop.

Thank you if you have made it to the bottom of this post :)

Tal

So a few days have passed, and she did reply a few more times, her last which ended with "I'd love to see you again" so that's great :D I just need to try and get my mind off her (Of course I mean that in a way of just so I can wait until we meet, either Christmas or Summer).

I'm still thinking about her a fair bit, but I'm eating better. Though whilst I tried to convince myself my feelings for her a purely friendly, I'm maybe subconsciously thinking otherwise. However I do know that I'm not feeling the usual instantaneous feelings of lust but I can genuinely see us together in my mind doing normal partner things - going out whenever we can/want - to a pub for a meal in the country, trips to the zoo, city breaks etc. And that is something I've not felt stronger than now for previous girls.

However, I am aware that if she does not become interested in me, and does have a partner then I will not want my presence to affect her happiness negatively in any way at all as I treasure her friendship from memories more than I first realised (I realised the other day that our friendship was born and grew back when my Mum was diagnosed with cancer - now she may not know it herself but it possibly saved me from being affected worse than I was and I love her as a friend all the more for that. I guess eventually I will tell her that as she deserves me to pay her back, even if it is just a verbal thank you when we meet.)

On a minor point, when we do meet - would some flowers be too weird?

Thank you for anyone who may have any input now...