Trust Issues - hope my words can help others

Before I start, I want to be clear that this is not a cry out for sympathy or a reason to re-unite with a past lover. I also want to be clear that I am not a fool, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and people get their hearts broken each and every day. But for me, this is as real as it has ever been. I want this to be a way for me to find closure and I hope that my words can help save someone else from making the same mistakes I did.

I was brought up as a confident, loving, ambitious individual that people admired and looked up to. I was proud of that because I knew I stood for hope, inspiration, and love in this crazy messed up world. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be this person again, but right now I want to share my story -

I recently left my lover of three years only to find out the love we shared meant so much more to me then it meant to her. I was devastated by the fact that she wanted to erase me from her life and move on like we never happened. I wanted nothing else for us to cherish what we had and to respect our relationship with time to heal. I was wrong and it made me sick. Only those who has ever been heartbroken like I was would understand this feeling of abandonment. I chose to put her every need ahead of mine in hopes that I could make her believe that our love was real. I was naive to believe that I could be her knight in shining armor. I began to lose touch with a few of my best friends and family. At the time, it felt worth it. I failed miserably and I still hate myself for that.

I should have protected myself when the first time we broke up she wanted to give back every gift, every memory, and every last ounce of love we shared. I should have realize that during every fight her default response was to get up and leave. I really thought I could overcome this with her. Even then, somehow I was able to let go of my pride, accepted her shortcomings, and forgive her for hurting me. I honestly felt like she would be able to do the same for me. I was the epitome of someone who was blinded by love.

For reasons I can’t understand, she never truly appreciated my love, my devotion, and my care. I allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated into someone who I don’t recognize anymore. Never again…
For a while I stopped believing the idea of love. I tricked myself into thinking that it’s normal for people to love and leave. I felt disgusted because I just couldn’t understand how people could treat each other this way. This brought up deep seeded resentments towards my mother for cheating on my father and leaving him when I was only six. She didn’t only leave him, but she left me too. This is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I can’t help it to feel played, used up, insulted, and utterly alone. It truly felt like I lost a part of me. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers, I’ve became bitter. I remember asking myself time and time again how someone can be so cold, so selfish, and so heartless. How someone can at one point be the center of my life, but hurt me so much and not care. I self-medicated for months just to get by.

After countless nights of fighting with these thoughts I realized that I was the only one left in this relationship. My heart grew cold and I started to bury my emotions. It was this sense of loneliness that allowed me to let go. Each day I am closer to finding peace than I was yesterday. Some days I relapse, but it’s normal.

What is the point of all this you ask? My message is simple, Cherish those who love you because love is so hard to come by, find someone who is truly and completely worthy of your love because life is short, and lastly trust that people are good deep down inside because hope is what keeps us going. I am still working towards the day that I can see how extraordinarily, breathtakingly beautiful life can be again.