Ghosts of Boyfriend's Past

Hey Guys,

I write to you with great hopes that someone is willing to take their time to read this and offer some unbiased advice. It is kind of a long story but will try my best to condense it as much as possible. Thank you so much in advance.

BACK STORY: I was dating a guy for 2 years. Even though we had a very up and down relationship due to his very erratic behaviour, I was in love with him full heartedly. He was the person I wanted and he was the only person I felt was worth it. He was pretty much everything I wanted. *Over the course of our relationship, his erratic behaviour was always very confusing to me. He was madly in love with me one minute and the next day felt like he couldn't care less. Obviously I knew these were red flags but love is blind. Love became less blind over time and even as smooth as a talker as he was, I am very logical and things just weren't adding up so I automatically assumed the worst and thought he was cheating on me. Time and time again, when I thought I had caught him or had "evidence" enough to finally end things once and for all, nothing ever came up, I would end up finding nothing and because he is now what I can confidently say is a true sociopath, he would gaslight me into thinking I was being paranoid and just looking for ammunition to start a fight (A textbook gaslighter's move). Well as a tale as old as time goes, your intuition is almost always right. And this time, it was not only right, but much worse than I could have ever imagined. Not only was I not the only one, I was the "other woman" in this triangle. He was without even being dramatic, living a double life with another woman for the last THREE years while maintaining a relationship with me for the last two. When I tell you this came out of nowhere, I truly mean it. I was completely blind-sided. Had I not seen photo evidence and documentation with time stamps of everything, there was no reason I could even believe it to be true because of how much it didn't make any sense or it was even possible! Hearing all of the information from her and him being with her, how was it even POSSIBLE for him to be in two places (both literally and metaphorically) at once for SO long in such a small city where everyone knows everyone. This was someone who I invested my heart and my life into completely for the last two years. I am cautious and pragmatic by nature, and yet I felt I was ready to make all of the big life moves-with him (We talked about moving in together, having children in the near future, etc) Usually looking back everything seems to make more sense and start to add up, but everything now, I still do not know how this was possible. But it was. and It happened. I do not consider myself to be an emotional person but upon seeing all the photos of them together over the last 3 years, on vacations, house supply shopping, etc. I just knew and immediately had a major (my very first ever) panic attack and ended up in the hospital for the next 2 days. I obviously cut off all contact with him, his family and his friends immediately. I never let anyone have the opportunity to talk to me or influence me in any way because I was so devastated that I didn't even know where to begin picking up the pieces of my life. He ended up moving across the other side of the country about a week after he found out that I knew everything. The "other woman" ended up moving with him and I haven't heard from or said to a word to him or anyone associated with him since.*

CURRENT: It has been exactly 1 year today that all of this happened. I would like to say time heals all wounds but it certainly does not. The pain pretty much feels as fresh now as it did then. I was in a crazy dark time and have been for the majority of the last year. I just found out that he has broken up with his other girlfriend and has moved back home to where I still live. He wants to see me and talk about everything. Initially my first reaction was FU*K NO, obviously. He lied to me for two years, knew how invested and in love with him I was, and still played me without even batting an eyelash so I figure there is NOTHING he could say that could ever be of any interest to me ever again. However, the more I look introspectively, I somehow wonder if how we broke up, how I handled things (or lack thereof) is maybe the reason why I am still so devastated by all of this a year later. I am a young, very attractive, medical professional about a year away from getting my MD and have lots of interest coming my way to date but I am still so messed up emotionally from everything, that I can't even fathom dating anyone now, or in the near future. I've met many great potentials but I am so scorned that I push them away before they even get a chance. I know when someone does you so wrong, it's obviously going to take some time and trust issues are going to be a thing, but my level is just to a whole other level. I've sought professional counselling services for the last 11 months and worked on getting over this but as I've said before, the pain and the wound is still as fresh as it was 1 year ago. I've a had a few other serious relationships that have ended that I have gotten over relatively easy because time gave clarity to my questions in order to move on and I've never had to drop someone so entirely like this before. I am starting to wonder if at least partially the reason for still being so heartbroken and hurt so long after the fact is the fact that I truly never let him even have a chance to say anything (not that it would matter) but it is quite bizarre to go from talking children with someone to literally never speaking another word to them again. A huge part of my personality and livelihood is, and always has been knowing or understanding how things worked or why things happened. I'm starting to wonder if not giving him the opportunity to say anything or clarify anything has actually been hurting me more than it's been helping me. I wonder if addressing it with him is what I may need to start healing properly and getting on with my life again. I'm barely sleeping (even less than usual) since all of this came up again. I know he doesn't deserve to breathe the same oxygen as I am, but I also wonder if not allowing him the chance to try is what is holding me back. Plus, it's a lot easier to have someone "out of sight, out of mind" when they are on the other side of the country with no chances of running into each other but alas, Satan has returned to my 'hood.*

You shouldn't see him again as i don't see the need for closure. He even bailed on you when you found out about his relationships. Its quite obvious that the guy is problematic since he even broke up with this girl he was with for a longer time than you. If you see him again, it will definitely open up old wounds since he will definitely try to win you back. If you ask him about his life with the other woman, he'll either fault the other woman or he'll pretend to accept blame tell you he's changed now and all of that nonsense, or pretend to realize that he likes you more than the other woman and that is why he is back. Of course, all of those will be lies. You have to remember, if he didn't have a problem lying to you then, there is no reason he'll stop lying to you now. It is better to start moving on and find someone. I know what he did hurts a lot, but it would not be fair to others if you see all of them as just like him. Build up a wall if you have to, and only let the person in if he's worth it. Just give them the benefit of a doubt and see them as the bad guy. As always, strike a balance. Defend yourself, but don't do a preemptive strike either

As I was reading your post, my first thought was that you would benefit from counseling but, you already did that which I think was a good choice. Next, when you said you were blindsided and it came out of nowhere, that simply wasn't true. You had suspected he was being unfaithful but, just not maybe at that level.

I think because you are an educated woman you are having such a difficult time accepting that something like that could have happened to you. I respectfully disagree with nerdy_guy. I feel that if a year has passed and you have sought help and you still feel hurt and confused, I think confronting him and hearing how and why he could do such a thing will be helpful.

I am also very big into knowing why things happen and what motivates people to do what they do. You may even wonder how you could have allowed something like that and how you could ever trust yourself to not allow it again. I, personally, would meet with him and listen to what he had to say for himself. I would have a list of questions of anything that has been troubling me. Remember though to not accept anything he says as excuses for his behavior. Anyone who does that is a bit psychotic. The meeting is not for him but, for you to be able to release the pain you are holding....to try and make sense of his selfish behavior.

In order to move on I truly believe you will need to forgive him. This in no way means you condone what he did but that you are willing to release the pain he caused you and move on because you deserve happiness.

I honestly don't know how I could forgive him in general, but especially forgive him knowing I never got the chance to express all the hurt he's caused. He's basically scot-free in this situation, even though it was his deceit and lies that has caused all of this in the first place.

There really is nothing to gain by listening to what he has to say. You don't get closure from liars and deceitful people like him. Closure through dialogue is not for every relationship. Since you tend to let relationships go through your head, you do tend to over analyze things, things that would have happened "if only...", and of course, your heart would start reminiscing the past and how he made you feel good. He made an impact on you because he knows how to play the game which makes him attractive, that is why its hard for you to let go. If it were up to me, I'd probably mix up my life a bit, by going on a vacation with family or something. anything that will give your mind a change of pace. believe me, it works wonders. Tell your friends/family who is in contact with him to stop reminding you of him, and tell them they're not helping you and they're just needlessly aggravating the situation. people like you who tend to analyse things including emotional aspects of life need a change of pace that will really clear out your thoughts. Sooner or later, he'll be nothing more than just a "lesson" to you. If you keep thinking of what went wrong and how it ended up like that, and keep looking for answers no one, INCLUDING HIM, will be able to answer. You will get stuck in a rut, and you start getting bitter with the opposite sex instead of learning how to defend yourself

I guess the best way for you to picture being in my shoes is to think of the person who has hurt you the most in your entire life. Now imagine that the very moment that person hurt you worse than you ever have before, you vanish and you never hear or talk to them again. You don't get to leave them nasty voicemails for what they did. You don't get to yell at them. You have to go through the worst break-up of your entire life with the person you've loved the most in your whole life, but you have to have to all that WITHOUT EVEN HAVING A BREAKUP. If your fav coffee spot is shutting down, Im sure youd at least at the employee why it was closing. Now magnify that by 100000 and maybe you can start to see where I'm looking to gain clarity, or closure, just not from him.