At my wits end, don't have any answers.

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now, and just recently have been realizing the magnitude of her relationship with her male friend. He is living in North Carolina and we are in Arizona. They have been friends longer than we have been dating, but it is coming to a point where I want to take the relationship to the next level, but the only thing is I'm not sure that this is wise due to being unsure just how close she really is to this guy. She talks to him every day, she texts him every day, even sometimes when we are hanging out, they make it a point to talk on the phone every other day. I have expressed that it bothers me she texts him when we are hanging out, and she has stopped doing it so much, but she still does every now and then. Just recently I was going to post on her facebook wall, and saw a message she had sent to him saying "Where are you I need my Michael time." I have asked her about it and she said it doesn't mean anything. She said My heart is with you. But I wonder if her heart is with me then why does she need to talk to this guy so much, because the moment I knew I was in love I stopped having frequent contact with all the girls of the opposite sex that I'm friends with, and never even talked to them every other day. I have talked to her about how the frequency in which they talk bothers me and I don't understand why she and him talk so much. She just said she can tell him anything, and they are just good friends. jokingly before we were serious and even after we got serious she had, "in an open relationship" on her facebook, she said it was a joke between the two of them. I asked her about it and she said it was a joke.

I talked to her about all of this and she just said they are just friends, that she loves me, and that I shouldn't worry about it. She isn't going to stop talking to him as much, she isn't going to do a thing about it, she basically just said deal with it in a nice way. She asked me how I am going to react when he comes to visit? I said I am going to be very uncomfortable, and I have no idea. I told her that I don't feel the need to be that close to any other girls because she was fulfilling enough for me not to have the need for so much contact with the opposite sex. Now i have friends that are girls, but I would never talk to them as much as she does him. She isn't willing to do anything about it, and it makes me wonder if when she says she loves me, does she really?
I don't know what to do, but I don't think I can go on knowing that she isn't willing to do anything about this, and knowing how I feel. I'm not jealous, but I am just bummed because i couldn't see myself talking to another girl that much because I am in love with her, but she doesn't have the same view as me. I've tried talking to her about it two times already it's always the same thing.

I NEED ADVICE

What kind of male friend is it? Meaning were they ever more than friends, or is he more of a platonic childhood friend? Of course if they were ever more than friends, that could be reason to worry. If not, it's really up to you if you want to be with someone who has close male friendships.

Everyone is different, and while some people (like yourself) don't feel a need to have close female friends when you are with someone, others may like to have friends of the opposite sex, not necessarily because they need some other stimulus, but they just enjoy that friendship -- and it can end there. Maybe you haven't spoken with her enough about this, and truly tried to understand where she is coming from?

In the end if you are not comfortable with their friendship, and it really means alot to you that she cuts back on speaking with him, maybe you should reconsider staying with her. You cannot make yourself Ok with something (nor can you make her do something she isn't willing to do), but you can try to understand the situation more, and see if perhaps you are misinterpreting things or are missing something.

Good luck
x

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Originally Posted by rydoggy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think I can go on knowing that she isn't willing to do anything about this, and knowing how I feel.

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Then break up with her. She shouldn't have to end a friendship just because you don't approve. She's allowed to have friends. I don't really understand your problem with this. Would you have the same problem if she were that close with a female friend or a gay man? Do you think she's going to hook up with him, or something? Why don't you trust her?

Did you think the advice would change by posting this thread again?

It's not going to. Break up with her. Breaking up with her will probably, even prompt her to drop her friend and want you back.

The thread changed a littlel. The problem is that she makes it a point to talk to this guy all the time, every day, she also has to talk on the phone with him every other day. If you are in love with someone why the hell would you need that much time talking to someone else. She doesn't even talk to her girlfriends that much. I don't care that she is freinds with him, but that's a very close relationship. You guys are right if I can't deal with something then I should break up. So I am out, she can talk to this guy all she wants without me in the picture so we'll see if that's what she wants more thanks for all the advice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rydoggy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't care that she is freinds with him

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????

Yes, you do. Why are you saying you don't? Because you know you're being unreasonable?

problem is her guy friend probably wants to nail her.. thats why most guys are friends with women unfortunetly.

I don't mind there friendship, but I do mind that they talk every single day. It's just weird to me because I have a lot of female friends and some of them I would consider to be very close, but I don't talk to them that frequently, and we don't talk about sex, we don't post on facebook that we are in an open relationship as a joke, and we don't say I need my so and so time to eachother. I would consider this to be disrespectful to my girlfriend if I acted this way. I am pretty sure he wants to "nail" her too.

i think you should leave her be! it isn't a problem unless she talks to him so often that you don't get to spend time with her anymore. you must understand one thing: many women have close guy friends. there's a reason their friends, and that's usually because we're not attracted to them.

This is one of THEE most easiest situations ever to deal with...

(1) BEFORE you got with her: You knew she had a close male friend (she obviously would have told you about him) If not? Red Flag.
(2) Now that you are with her: You come to find out she is VERY close with this guy who lives some 2,000 miles away...

In fact: in some ways your intimacy is being co-opted with another guy who isn't even there.

(3) SHE has no intention of making YOU her best friend: she doesn't feel the need to confide in YOU nor tell you "everything" as she does with him.
----This excludes you from the intimacy they have even if it is just verbally, mentally or: emotionally while you reap the physical benefits.

(4) She even made fun of your relationship by posting that negative connotation about it on FB: her excuse: it was an inside joke...
Meaning: the fact she is closer with him than she is with you: while YOU are with her: is the joke: YOU are the joke and it's at your expense.

With her WORDS: she reassures you when you address your concerns to her.
With her ACTIONS: She is mentally and emotionally F ucking him.

Conclusion:
You should addre---- oh wait...You've already done that haven't you!??!
She told you point blank she isn't going to cut off contact because:

Her relationship with him: is more important than YOUR feelings... Das Ende...
What they have is special: and you would be a fool to try and break that up for your own selfish desires.

Here are your options:
(A) Allow this to torture yourself indefinitely until she either dumps you OR he moves away to B.F.E...

(they don't have phones/pens nor email in Butt F uck Egypt)

(B) You fail to take action: and she will end up resenting you for (not failing to act) but her sensing your butthurt...

-0r- (C)

You sit her down, (bring all of her shit in your car before hand) and say:

"(her name), I know you and I love each other and I've been very thankful for our relationship and our time together.
In a committed relationship...I have certain wishes that aren't being honored and since I have already addressed them with you:
I no longer wish to be in a committed relationship with you because I don't appreciate all of the time you give someone who is 2,000 miles
away, while I'm devoted to this relationship: so much that *I* cut off all ties to my exes, a few of which I was very good friends with.

I felt that I didn't need their friendship because I would have you: and you would have mine to confide in and to tell each other
"everything." So again, thank you for our time together: you have taught me how not to look for a girl who invalidates her man's feelings
and now I know that you aren't good for me, either."

Then say goodbye, and drop her bag off, and never look back.

The end. You deserve much more.