maybe there is something wrong with me

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23-09-09, 05:45 AM
mezmorize

maybe there is something wrong with me

I need help before I drive myself crazy. if anyone has some xtra time, please read & help. thank you.

I waste way too much time freaking out, crying, wondering if i am where i am suppose to be. Work is great, but my relationship is confusing. i am fearful that it's not right, signs tell me it's wrong, so why do I stay?? I think I stay cause there is so much good in it:
- he works very hard
- he fullfills my material wants
- he pushes me to learn new things
- if i had a hard day he would make or buy dinner
- our lives together are never boring, we always have something going on. it's always exciting
- i feel safe
- he puts efforts and surprises me
- i trust him
- he loves making me laugh
Great things, but now the upsetting ones:
- He never tells me I am beautiful
- he is not very affectionate, and this is something I ache for
- he wants to only have sex when I am falling asleep
- something funny happened and I called my female friend instead of him
- he never answers his phone for anyone
- we have no anniversary, and nothing combined in our names
- when i talk to him sometimes i get nervous that it has to be good or else he will lose interest
- i don't think he laughs at my jokes
- some days I just feel empty

UGH so what do you guys think?:(
23-09-09, 05:55 AM
Ignathius

He may have a Dismissing Attachment style. I'm not expert, but in searching for advice for my own relationship problem, I found this very interesting article:

www .truthaboutdeception.com/relational_maintenance/public/attachment_styles. html

(I haven't made enough posts yet to post a hyperlink, apparently, so you'll have to copy/paste the url (remove spaces first).)

It basically talks about the 3 main types of attachment styles and how they differ, and their possible causes. It sounds like your man loves you very much, but he may be the type who approaches romantic relationships from a sort of distant angle. Read the above article and it will make more sense. As far as getting the things you crave from him, you may just need to open up and let him know you're missing those things. He may be unaware of the problem.
23-09-09, 07:09 AM
girl68

What means more the top half or bottom half?
23-09-09, 08:39 AM
Mish

I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique

There's something wrong with me chemically
Something wrong with me inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
The wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong eyes on the wrong prize
The wrong questions with the wrong replies

I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong look
With the wrong moon, every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing till it sounded right
23-09-09, 08:56 AM
ecojeanne

there is something wrong with you. stop.
23-09-09, 09:38 AM
FullofSighs

Quote:

Originally Posted by ecojeanne [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

there is something wrong with you. stop.

wow so mean lol
25-09-09, 10:29 PM
mezmorize

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ignathius [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He may have a Dismissing Attachment style. I'm not expert, but in searching for advice for my own relationship problem, I found this very interesting article:

www .truthaboutdeception.com/relational_maintenance/public/attachment_styles. html

(I haven't made enough posts yet to post a hyperlink, apparently, so you'll have to copy/paste the url (remove spaces first).)

It basically talks about the 3 main types of attachment styles and how they differ, and their possible causes. It sounds like your man loves you very much, but he may be the type who approaches romantic relationships from a sort of distant angle. Read the above article and it will make more sense. As far as getting the things you crave from him, you may just need to open up and let him know you're missing those things. He may be unaware of the problem.

Thank you! You hit the nail of the head! He has "dismissing" style of attachment. I opened up to him and he said he will not change. He said I should break up with him if I am not happy and basically I was up till 6 am crying while he slept. We talked again this morning and I asked him to try. If he tries and puts more effort (he says he has been trying) then I will be ok. But will he try enough to keep me happy? If he all ready has and I am unhappy... Oh i hate thinking about it.
25-09-09, 10:45 PM
vashti

To me personally, the bottom half of your list is kind of silly.

These are just girly nonsense issues:

- He never tells me I am beautiful (do you consider yourself beautiful? or are you insecure?)
- he never answers his phone for anyone (I rarely answer my phone - hate them.)
- something funny happened and I called my female friend instead of him (so? different people fulfill different needs. I call my sisters to talk about my mom, for example.)
- he wants to only have sex when I am falling asleep (just tell him you are tired and to hit you up in the morning, and repeat. he will learn.)
- we have no anniversary, and nothing combined in our names (this is actually smart. you shouldn't own anything in combination unles you are married.)
- when i talk to him sometimes i get nervous that it has to be good or else he will lose interest (you sound insecure)
- i don't think he laughs at my jokes (maybe they aren't funny.)
- some days I just feel empty (your emptiness is not his problem... you probably need to figure out something to feed your soul on your own.)

- he is not very affectionate, and this is something I ache for (this is the only one I really see as potentially problematic. Please clarify - does he reject affection, or does he simply not initiate?)
25-09-09, 11:14 PM
mezmorize

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

- he is not very affectionate, and this is something I ache for (this is the only one I really see as potentially problematic. Please clarify - does he reject affection, or does he simply not initiate?)

You are right that most of them are silly. Last night, I focused on sex and affection. He has backed away when I go to kiss him and on many occassions turned me down for sex. I am not insecure, but that is a slap in the face. His entire family similar to him. He told me that his father never told him that he loved him. I don't know what to do, cause I am a very affectionate loving person and I love love making.
26-09-09, 01:20 AM
Gigabitch

I wouldn't be able to stay with that guy. I need emotion in my relationship.
26-09-09, 01:34 AM
Sanctuary

- our lives together are never boring, we always have something going on. it's always exciting

You got it pretty good imo unless hes completely icy cold in the affection department.

Is he tired/busy when you try to kiss him/initiate sex?

But if you're not happy then you're not happy.
26-09-09, 10:53 AM
Linli

Quote:

Originally Posted by mezmorize [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Great things, but now the upsetting ones:
[...]
- something funny happened and I called my female friend instead of him
[...]
- when i talk to him sometimes i get nervous that it has to be good or else he will lose interest
(

Wholey god.. I know exactly what you mean. Most of your "good" list were applicable for me, as well, but you really nailed it for me with these comments.
I had a discussion with my boyfriend last night about how he's been really irritable lately about my disinterest in one of his newfound passions. I told him, "I have lots of interests that I don't discuss with you because I know you wouldn't be enthused about them, why do I have to like everything you're into?" And then it hit me: I don't want to share things with him because I don't think they're good enough or interesting enough. He actually makes me feel that way because of his dismissive nature. I'm the captive audience, not the star of the show... EVER.
When we first started seeing each other, that was perfect. I was shy and receptive and didn't want to share my interests. But now... now I have thoughts and I want to be asked about them and have someone be fascinated with what I have to say. I'm not sure if that's the case with you, but I feel for you either way.