Am I a narcissitic sociopath?
After a brutal attempt to shape my scrawny 141 lb 6'0" body to a tone, slender 168 lbs(six pack abs, bulging pecs) in order to attract any sort of female, but ending up failing to attract anyways, I turned to liking myself in a sexual way as I began to obsess over the progression of my body during these months. I consider myself the rather modest,overly sensitive, quintessential loner as I've been throughout my life. I tried really hard to break through the superficial shell put up by most of the students in my graduating class and it began to wear me down. Ultimately, I ended up contouring an alternate persona that would let me enter the social realm, it turned out to be a very successful plan making the rest of my high school years much more enjoyable however shallow most of the friendships ended up being. Witnessing countless unsuccessful relationships and blundering many crushes turned me off from having a relationship with women. Everytime I got "crushed" I would become deeply depressed for around ~4-6 months thinking suicidal thoughts. I'm 19 and have never held or kissed a girl yet.
I can't trust myself in a relationship as It may eventually end up hurting or killing myself if it ends badly. I had to compromise. Working out offers me a proactive approach as it improves my health and aesthetics thus strengthening my relationship with myself. For the most part, I can trust myself this way because I have complete control over my actions. I enjoy uncertainty because it interjects some spontaneity into my life but braving a possible heart break is not an option for me. The only downside I can think of is being a shallow individual without a partner to complete me.