Ex back making current relationship hard and me confused
Firstly, hi all :)
Sorry if this gets long, ill try to keep it condensed. I say that but im gunaa start the story from 3 years ago, thats short right?
Ok from the beginning i had been on and off dating this guy Brian for a few months, on one of our big arguments when he said he didnt think he would ever love me and we decided to stop talking and in this split i kissed another man, Paul, a long term family friend. I saw paul a few times in the following week before i realised what the hell am i doing and ended it. He told me i was making a mistake, i told him i knew. But i got back with brian, i had put so much in that relationship and i didnt want it to end. Me and brian stayed together (with a few little break ups) for a while longer, totalling slightly over a year from before and after paul before we split finally. It was pretty mutual, we both wanted out but it was still sad. About 6 months later (exactly a year after our first kiss) Paul got back in contact and we were in a wonderful relationship for 8 months, till he broke my heart, even on the day he left we were talking about our wedding like it was a certainty. i thought i had happily ever after and it vanished. I was beyond destoyed, i cried so much that i ended up in hospital and literally nearly died from malnourishment in the following weeks because i couldnt face moving even to eat (wouldnt belive it if it hadnt happened). That was a long time ago, math 7 months?, and over so many months since brian was really nice to me,(we work together so i had to keep seeing him after the split) he was putting me back on my feet, or least trying to while i refused to move off the sofa. We got drunk and slept together. Im not proud of it. We have been spending so much time together and have decided that we are 99% in a relationship (because hes a comittment phobe and i didnt/dont want a relationship so its a joke between us to stop us getting scared). Im happy with him, finally he will tell me he loves me and i love him too, even though i never expected that i would.
Thats the background of how i got to here. Now out of the blue Paul is back in contact, misses me, reeally needs a friend and his existing friends arent the same. Im sooo mad at him still. He ripped my life from under my feet with no warning but then if hes upset i still care about him so want to try and make it better. But i cant help but be mad. And hes shocked that im mad, he thought i would be fine by now. I was fine, till i heard from him and spent a day sobbing since, i feel as bad as i did when he left. Why does he have the right to make me feel this bad again? He want to go to the pub. i stupidly said ok. But i think thats off since all we have done is text yell for a day since.
Brian is being lovely about it, saying he thinks we should be friends, that if i want to go have drinks with paul thats fine and if i want him to come he will or if not thats cool too. He says that if i need some time off from us then its fine, and he trusts me, but either way this isnt fair on him. Its not fair that yesterday he spent hours holding me while i sobbed thinking about my ex.
Advice please? Should i be pauls friend, try and put the hurt aside? Will that achieve anything? or will it just continue to hurt me and create a rift between me and brian? im so conflicted