Need male input on close friendship/almost relationship gone astray...please help. :(
Hi everyone - I'm new to this forum but really need some help sorting out my feelings and path forward with a close guy friend. Also posted in the general "Love Forum" but I would really appreciate male input...
**(((There's a lot of background info here, which is skimmable, but I'm more interested in others' take on the last few paragraphs/recent events...)))**
He's 34, I'm 27. Him: kind, cute, a bit overweight, generally good-natured, funny. Me: Affectionate, pretty, thin, caring, sensitive, patient.
We met almost two years ago going into grad school. We started as friends, and stayed friends for about six months - at which point he started giving me signs he was interested and eventually said so; one drunken night he got more touchy-feely and I rejected his advances. Things were awkward for a few weeks, but they blew over - he said he was "very fond of me" and I said I cared about him a lot, and wanted us to be cool. And we were! And actually ended up getting closer and being great friends.
Over last summer, though, there was an instance where we went out with friends + drank, and I ended up spending the night at his house. We shared a bed but he promised to be "good" - and so we cuddled, hugged, and shared a few kisses...and spent some of the next day in bed talking and doing more of the same. It was never overtly sexual but definitely flirty. I was uncertain/nervous after that (though I liked it) and we kind of let it go, didn't see each other for a week or so, and continued on as close friends.
There were a few more instances of sleepovers (none quite as long or intimate as that one) over the fall/winter. Early this year I started feeling open to the idea of pursuing more with him but was super-cautious and careful - as was he - neither one of us talked about things but were spending more and more time together - not always romantically/physically, but there was a lot of suggestive texting.
Two days before Valentine's Day he asked me if I wanted to come over and cuddle, and I indulged him but we kept playing it safe. It turned out that he hid from me the fact that he hooked up with an ex-fling of his sometime in January or February, and it came out in a really ugly way Valentine's Day evening. I was angry that he lied and deceived me, he said he hadn't felt confident to date in a long time, that he didn't want to mess up our friendship/dynamic, etc. He said I was the closest female friend he's had and that he hadn't had feelings like that for a friend before, and he grappled with saying something or not. We both cried.
He cut things off completely with this woman shortly thereafter. He admitted he felt "desperate" (sexually). He apologized and felt sick and said he wanted me to forgive him. We called a truce for some peace a few days after, hugged each other, and said "you're my friend, I love you," and agreed it would take a while but things would be okay.
We kept quiet for a week, but I had mixed feelings later and needled him via text for a couple weeks after, going back+forth between missing him and being bitter/hurtful/upset. I admit I lashed out a lot and said hurtful things because I was so hurt.
Three weeks after the initial fight, we spoke on the phone (I was upset anew, ugh) and I agreed that I wouldn't be hurtful anymore and we would move forward and things would be good again. He came over to a big BBQ the following night and we hung out and spoke a little and things were okay. We hung out with friends last weekend as well as this past weekend, and both times were really positive, fun, and happy.
But I don't feel right about things and feel like an emerging relationship was killed as it was tentatively finding its way.
Today I asked if we were keeping a relationship option open or not or if maybe we shouldn't try to be close friends again if we're not going to explore more.
He said we both saw bad sides of each other last month and that he wasn't harboring any romantic feelings, that it would take a lot to feel them anytime soon, but that he really enjoyed being with me and missed having fun with me as a friend.
I replied: "I don't have imminent romantic feelings but I want to get back to where we were before it was disturbed. I want to try being physically close again - I sincerely do. And I could let things rest if they don't work out that way. But I want us to try... Can we try this slowly for a little bit + give it a chance? It lingered for a long time and we have nothing to lose now. I miss you a lot and want to be close and maybe I'm confused but I think it would help us both sort it out and move forward either way."
He said, "Ok, thanks for letting me know. I need to think about that for a bit if you don't mind."
I told him that was all right, I understood, and I wanted us both to feel good about where everything shakes out.
Ball's in his court, now - but I'm feeling sad and regretful and don't know if I have any reason to hope things could work out, long run or not...romantically or otherwise. I don't know if I'm just stuck in a sad/lonely place, but I do really care about him deeply - we have both said "I love you" as friends. I'm worried about complications popping up again way down the line (despite him saying he doesn't have romantic feelings anymore, and despite my own hesitancy).
Any wise words or help would be appreciated. I really could use it now. Thank you so much.
