2 year relationship falling apart because of snapchat
I'm 21 years old and I've been dealing with what I thought was depression and anxiety for years, but have recently discovered that I have PTSD. I have always struggled with relationships, and have serious trust issues which I always put down to being cheated on at 16.
Anyway, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and at the beginning of the relationship, things were tough. When we first met, I was still in a previous relationship, (that I promptly ended when I realised I caught feelings) and I'd been in a cycle of cheating on my last partner because he didn't treat me well. So to meet someone who I clicked with perfectly was so great and I trusted him instantly. 2 months into our relationship, he found out that I'd been sending nude pictures to a "friend" and talking to other boys on snapchat. He was heartbroken, and I couldn't understand why I'd done this to him, because he was everything I wanted. I've realised now that I just wasn't used to the affection he'd shown me, so I was just keeping my guard up. It was wrong and we've both worked for the past two years to rebuild the trust, including getting rid of people from our pasts. There's always been small arguments about girls somehow becoming unblocked on his social media, although nobody ever reappears on mine, but he's always apologised and blocked them straight away, so I just put it down to being paranoid. Other than that, our relationship has been great. We were at a really good place, talking about looking at buying our own place to live etc, only three weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, I went on his snapchat account, which I don't do often, and found that he'd been talking to his ex-friends with benefits in July, and didn't tell me about it. She asked him if it was okay to have her on snapchat, to which he said "yeah Snapchat's fine" (he knows it isn't) and then she asked why he'd blocked her on social media and he said "my girlfriend didn't want me to have you on there, sorry I know it's shit:/", rather than "there isn't a place for you in my life any more". This probably seems harsh, but he's made me do the same, as well as deleting people and giving them no explanation at all. To make all of this 10 times shadier, he had her saved under a boy's name, someone who I've heard of but never met, probably hoping that I wouldn't be interested in looking on their conversations.
So I confronted him about it, woke him up in the night and outright asked him what he was playing at, and he just broke down crying saying he was sorry and he didn't know why. I was at breaking point, I couldn't be near him and I still haven't had a full night's sleep since. Anyway, he told me he'd change, he'd make a new Snapchat, I could check his phone whenever I want etc. I said "one last chance". The day after that, he wanted to act like nothing had happened between us, and has pretty much carried on doing so.
Last Wednesday was his birthday, and we spent the whole day together. At night, when we were in bed, out of the corner of my eye I could have swore I saw him going through the stories on his old Snapchat account. He instantly closed the app and put his phone down when he saw me looking, so when he fell asleep, I used his email to change the password to his old account, and then see what he'd been doing on there. As soon as I logged in, I noticed he'd posted a "birthday selfie" on his story at 07:56 in the morning, while he was in bed next to ME. Then I went through the contacts, and shock! All the girls I've asked him to delete in the past, and new random girls as well, all under male contact names. So I woke him up again, and asked why he thought I might be upset, but he said he had no idea. When I told him he'd posted a story on snapchat this morning, he said he hadn't, and if he had then it was an accident?? And then when I asked about all of the girls he added, he said he was "clearing out his contacts list and was just looking for people to add on his new account" and then somehow they ended up added back on there. He's deleted snapchat again, and once again, he apologised and said it wouldn't happen again (lol), and is acting like we're fine and dandy.
The only "rule" I've put in place really is that he has to let me know who he's with and what he's doing when he's not with me. I know that doesn't guarantee he isn't cheating but at least it's better than nothing. And even then, he's only done that once. Every other time he's "forgotten" to text me to let me know what he's up to, but then I find out he's obviously been using his phone to text his mates.
I just feel like I'm being taken for a complete mug, and for the 2 years I've been trying to prove that I've changed, I just haven't noticed that he could have been doing this all along.
At the moment I'm in a really bad place mentally and my therapist is on holiday so I can't tackle this with her. Like I said, the rest of our relationship is great, but snapchat has always been the one thing and I've now lost all trust in him. I feel heartbroken and like I don't know him at all.
Any help or advice is welcome, thank you if you actually read all of this!
