What do we mean to each other?
Hi everyone! It's almost 3am and i still cant sleep. I just want to ask for ur advice or opinion about my current situation. My story might be a bit lengthy so i hope u guys will still read it. For you to fully understand my story i have to go back to the days when i was still in college so here it goes:
When i was in college, i had this very close guy friend. So close that we can sleep together in his room without anything intimate happening at all. Ours was just plain friendship, like brother and sister until one fateful night. We went out with our usual set of friends. There were about 6 of us. We were having so much fun that night and then we all slept in his house in one room. Suddenly he laid down beside me and as the night went on, i felt his hands holding mine. I did not resist. I felt like my chest is going to burst anytime. I just loved the feeling of him holding my hands. And so the next day and the following days, he sort of courted me. He gave me chocolates, flowers. He would go to my house and fetch me so we could go to school together. Its kinda weird coz i know that we are not official, i mean he never popped out the question if i can be his girlfriend or something. So i waited and waited... Until one day, i found out that he is already with someone else. He has a girlfriend. I was like, what the ****? He hurt me a lot. I did not ask him. He never heard a word from me. We continued being friends without ever opening the topic of what happened between us. It was really hard being his friend when all i wanted is to be his freaking girlfriend. So i started moving away from him. I kept my distance until we graduated. I havent heard from him since then. Occasionally, id receive text messages from him and some messages from facebook. Sometimes i would message him back and sometimes i wont. I kind of moved on. I also found out that he broke up with his girlfriend but that didnt mean anything to me at all. Fast forward... After 8 years! I got a message from him in facebook. The usual hi-hello-how are you message. I replied and we talk for hours reminiscing how awesome our college days were. He is working in a different country and out of nowhere i asked if i can go visit there since we have some of our college friends working there too. So to make it short, i flew to where he is. But there is no romantic feeling or whatever. I told u i moved on. So he fetch me at the airport and for the first time in 8 years i saw him. We hugged and i kiss him (cheek to cheek). It was dead silent initially in the car. I felt awkward and suddenly the thing of the past came up to my mind again. Luckily he started speaking and so just like the old times, we talked and laughed and teased each other. I stayed in his place during the duration of my stay. We slept together and by sleeping together i mean just lying side by side (no sex!). Well, we hugged while sleeping and he held my hands again just like the first time he held my hand way back in college. I dont know but it felt so right to me. I was hoping we would talk about the past but it never happened. And on my last night there something happened. I knew he wanted something to happened but the conservative in me strike. I dont want to have sex with someone i am not committed with. So the next morning which is the day im supposed to go back home, we felt awkward again but this time i break the ice. I just talk about anything and ask him stupid questions just so last night's event will not be brought up. So he sent me to the airport and he kissed me. He kissed me on the lips. Again, i did not resist. When i got home, he continued to send me messages for few weeks. We were talking again like there is an "us". He is planning our future together. But again there is no official "will u be my girlfriend?" thingy. I just ride with his ideas. Then one day, he brought up the topic about my last night, he asked me if i wanted something to happen that night. To be honest, what i wanted to happen is for us to talk about our unfinished business in college. I wanted to know why. I need a closure. I wanted to be his girlfriend and i knew he wanted to be my boyfriend but before that i need a closure of our past. But i knew that that "something" that he wanted to happen is for us to have some intimate moment. So i asked him i dont want to do it with someone i am not committed. I asked him if he likes me and he said yes but he wanted me to move to where he is. He said he doesnt want a long distance relationship. I told him to give me a reason to move there. The reason that i wanted is for him to ask me to be his girlfriend or a promise of marriage but of course i didnt hear those. He didnt send me message for a few days. I missed him so bad and then one night i received a message from him and we started talking again but i knew he was cold. No more romantic messages. But he sends me messages everyday. He is the first and last person i talk to everyday. I felt like we are going nowhere and before i completely lost myself to him again, i did not reply to his message a few days ago. I just want to stop it. I dont want to fall so deep again knowing he wont be there to catch me. Now i miss him so bad. Hoping he would send me a message but i got nothing. Why do guys have to be so complicated. I have a few questions on my mind. Does he want to have sex only? If yes, then why is he still sending me messages though we are miles apart? Does he really like me? Did he love me? How do i move on again?
