I don't know my family...

I haven't talked about this with anyone, but the anonimity of this site helps me put it in words.

I am a 22 year old woman, living in norway with a family in a different country. I have never really been close with them as I was a really difficult child(in my opinion) and I moved out at an early age, never really getting that experience of bonding or getting to know my family other than my grandparents on my fathers side.
I never felt like I got noticed at home unless I misbehaved or did something wrong so I did that alot, causing me to be given blame for my younger siblings' misbehaviour, such as drawing on the walls and such, so that didn't really make me want to change, but at 16 I had had enough and moved to my grandparents on my fathers side because I had always gotten really well along with them. and ever since then I have felt like I know the rest of my family less and less. I always got especially badly along with my mother, but I think the root to that is that we are too much a like it's like two rams clashing they're heads toghether when we spend too much time together.
I have been living abroad now for almost 2 years and I've visited them 3 times and talked to them on skype 3 or 4 times during that time because I just don't know what to say to them or even what they think of me.

I would really like to fix this now that I have really realized the sting of pain and the effects these emotions are having on me and my everyday life. I know I should probably talk to a psychologist but I really just can't afford to right now so I'm looking everywhere for help.