-me- (making first contact, and getting my foot in the door)
Hello everyone. A bit of advice would be appreciated. I'll just explain who I am and what I want to know about. If some of it soudns "arrogant", well, I'm just saying it like it is :upset::
I'm a 23 year old man, and by all accounts very handsome indeed.
My self-confidence is way up there, I really like myself - who I am today and who I want to be in future. I have absolutely no problem with, for example, public speaking or taking charge of groups, teaching (even older adults), and things like that. I know that I come over as very confident and self-assured.
Now, outside of "formal" social situations such as work, or organised hobbies, or basically things where I am with other people for a particular purpose - I am a bit of a weirdo.
So much so, in fact, that to date three or four people have independantly suggested that I am probably a bit autistic.
I don't need to put a name on it, but certainly I have always been a bit different, socially. I just don't *get* a lot of ways people behave, and I can't bring myself to act in those normal ways, even though I know exactly how I need to behave really, to get a certain result.
I was 20 before I talked to any girls properly, and really it was only a year ago that I started trying to be more sociable generally and "going out" sometimes, meeting new people and so on. Maybe it's just that by this age most people have 10 years' more experience there than me.
Several new people I've met in the last year have assumed I am a total stud, I guess because I'm quite an attractive person (until they get to know me better, anyway) and very confident, but really I've slept with three women so far and they basically all came to me. I've never started anything myself, successfully.
I've been on some dating sites, and get about a 5% reply rate and about a 1% meet-up rate. I reckon I could have had 6 or 7 nice women from the site in the last year if I had just been able to conform to normal behaviour for a little while, and say what I was supposed to say, at the right time. I always know I'm "doing it wrong" but somehow can't change it.
Erm... yea so basically I guess one problem is that I have no idea how one actually meets new people. I'm talking about the very first contact, breaking the ice, I suppose. Once there's a reason to speak to them, or if we're forced together in some situation, then I'm away - no problems, and I can talk well.
But... how are you meant to start it off? I don't have any "friends" so I don't meet new people through other people, so I guess it's literally got to be a case of walking up to strangers and striking up a really awkward conversation.
My problem with that is that it's just so cringey, like, how horribly obvious! I feel like I ought to apologise or something, haha. "Shit, sorry... this is really ****ing lame but yea... hi... :/"
And I also just feel that girls probably don't want to be bothered, and will be annoyed and upset by yet another guy wanting their attention.
OK - secondly, when I do get a chance, I can never do anything with it. Last weekend I basically ruined EIGHT good chances with women, haha. Examples:
> A girl I kind of know, who I know found me quite attractive - I saw her in a shop, but just said "hi" and kept going, then moments later I thought "why didn't I stop and talk to her??"
> Literally two minutes later, this random woman in the street, coming in the opposite direction to me, was looking at me... she smiled as she got closer, and caught my eye. I just kind of looked away and put on a bit of a frown.
What was I meant to do there, stop and say "Hi, so I noticed you smiling at me. I find you attractive also. Let's go somewhere and talk." ???
This kind of thing has happened a number of times before, actually, especially if I'm outsomewhere at a music thing or whatever, girls looking at me all evening and then putting themselves somewhere I could easily go and say hello, but I never do.
> Two girls I know called me that night and just started chatting. But it always goes like this:
"heyy how are you?!?!"
"yea not bad"
"coooool what have you been doing???"
"nothing"
"ok.. erm..."
"...."
"What are you doing tonight, then?"
"nothing"
"hehe what, literally NOTHING?"
"No, I mean I'll probably just go on the computer, play my guitar, cook, eat..."
"ok cool. So how's it going?"
"...."
....I basically just have nothing to say to people. I've been told off about it before, when people come and ask me questions and I answer them, and then they think I'm being really rude because, as it turns out, they weren't really asking me that question but trying to get me to go off on a big conversation and start asking them stuff back.
Now, to be honest, I do know what people are expecting when they say certain things to me - but something prevents me from behaving in that way. It seems deceitful, somehow, because I am so aware of how to basically manipulate people. I just can't bring myself to do it.
Sorry it's such a long post, but tbh I'd write more if I could! You can't get a reliable idea about someone's mind and behaviour from something even ten times as long as this.
Summary:
>> I've got everything going for me, but I lack *something* - something that stops me ever talking to strangers.
>> Similarly, I seem to just push anyone away who does show interest, or don't act in quite the right ways to get anywhere.
Importantly, when I drink (not often) I pretty much become like a normal person is while sober, and whatever it is that stops me from initiating conversations and being friendly just disappears.
Shall I just drink more often, haha?
meh, I don't know what I'm asking. Either way, I'm a very happy person and nothing's "wrong" really, but I wouldn't mind hearing some ideas maybe.
Ask anything else you want to know.
Thanks!
