Saying Goodbye and our Fat Egos- long post

A few days ago I had to say goodbye to this guy I dated and I did not get the closure that I felt it needed.

I dated him for 3 months. I jumped in there although I know he'll be leaving to finish school. I told myself that I'll take it easy and just try to have fun with it. We both had this big ego and a lot of times there was a power struggle on who likes who more. I told him that I'll be perfectly fine when he leaves.. told him I'm not going to cry over him just coz I haven't been from my past experiences. Despite the ego, he's always been sweet and affectionate. I guess he just says things trying to find out how I feel about him coz I've never been vocal about it. Knowing that we're only gonna spend a short time together, I kept my guard up by not saying how i feel.


Our last day together was the most awkward. We couldn't behave as we normally would. There was that cold and eerie feeling. We're trying to enjoy our last moments but in the back of our heads we know that time is ticking.. fast. It was so hard to show affection for each other, almost like we're pushing each other away perhaps trying to be defensive? I tried to talk to him about how we're going to miss each other and stuff but he said he doesn't want to think about it. It felt cold... up to the very last moment. He said take care, i will miss you, we'll keep in touch--- as plain as that. We both know something has developed yet we couldnt talk about it. . I thought we could right then but he chose to make it abrupt.

Maybe its all that ego that prevented us from saying truly what we felt. I froze and all I could do was nod my head acknowledging everything he said. I didn't get to say anything. He gave me a kiss and a hug and walked away. A few moments later I came to my senses and called him. I apologized for freezing then finally said my goodbyes. It bothered me coz he kept it so short, he said "its okay, take care, good night, bye" he hung up..

My question is... Is he just being a man? Was he just making it easy for both of us to not prolong the drama and just get things over with? I just get this feeling that something went wrong and that he might not speak to me again.

All this time I thought I had control over my feelings, when I never did from the beginning. Too bad that I had to learn the hard way. When he finally left and everything sunk in, I was balling like I never have before. Such a cliche, but it's true- you dont know what you got till it's gone. I miss him terribly and I realized how deeply I care for him. My ego has come to bite me in the ass! I made a big mistake thinking that I'm invulnerable. :sad2: Right now I don't think it's a matter of pride. I wanted to be honest with him, now, more than ever. It may be too late but I emailed him and explained how I really feel about him, I feel that I owe it to my self and to him that I let him know..whether it still matters or not... Was that a good move? I'm afraid he won't respond.. I'm anxiously waiting..

Sorry for being lengthy!