Addiction to a fantasy world..

Hello, My name is Billy... I have an addiction problem. I am addicted to... LMAO - i am just kidding (AA mettings a shit - lol)

But seriously now - you ppl are prolly not going to understand this problem that I have because I know for a fact that none of you in here are like me and do not have the same interests in computers as me - and I also know that none of you are hackers like me. But I am going to explain this the best way I know how - with analogies.

The most popular analogy would be to look at this from the Matrix (movie) point of view. I am assuming you all have seen the matrix movies. If you have not seen them then this post may spike an interest in the movie for you - or it may totally turn yuo off from the movie - and those of you that have seen it are never going to look at the internet or this site the same way again - you will see things the way I see them - it does not mean you will agree - but you will always remember...

Ok - I have been using computers for quiet some time now - I got my first machine when i was about 12 years old - I would play games on it and mess wit the windows settings and play with it and **** with it until I broke it. Then I got my hands on another machine and tinckered with it even more than I did the first one and from my experience with the first one I knew what NOT to do - the way we all learn about life - we learn what NOT to do by doing it at least once - 'learn from our mistakes' in other words - well I prolly went thru about 17 machines by the time I turned 16 (4 year time span) - and I learned quiet a bit about computers - how they work - whats inside them - what I can do to make them run better and faster - wheat I can do to make them last longer - how to take 3 or 4 peice of shit machines and built 1 half way decent machine. etc etc etc...

Never once did I ever put any money towards my new found hobby - I would get free machines from the dumpsters behind offices or from friends, etc.. Then I decided to take a course in high school that would start to teach me how to program - I basically knew everything there is to know about the hardware aspect of machines at this point and was quiet bored - So I learned how to program applications in C++ - I was a much faster learner than all my other peers in any of the computer classes - Within 3 months of the course I was programming games as my projects instead of simple mathematic applications or drawing pictures using C++ like the rest of the class - I had earned a score of 500% out of 100% but the teacher could not put that on the report cards so he gave me the highest the state would allow - 110%

this course immediately spiked my interest in the software aspect of computers majorly - software does not have as much limitations as the hardware does... So I was programming shit all summer long - surfing the net for the information and tutorials on the shit i did not know - and then one day I stumbled across HTML - I had no idea what it was - it sounded interesting so I looked into it - turns out that ever web page that you go to on the net has to be programmed by someone with HTML - now THAT REALLY spiked my interest and started to drift away from C++ and into the world wide web (www)

Over my 2 month summer break I learned quite a bit of HTML and was even making my own websites by the time school started - when school started I decided to drop out of my Honors Calculus class and take Web Design - no one understood my decision for that because it seemed useless - But I learned for the first semester what takes most ppl a few years to learn - I was well beyond the HTML - I had learned all of HTML all of JavaScript, and was starting to get into the Flash and Server Side scripting - while the other classmates were still learning JS (javascript) -- The second semester in the course I didnt learn anything from the teacher or anyone else - I became the teacher - at that point I had laerned more about the class and what he was teaching that I knew more than the teacher did - So I would teach him the stuff before school and then he would teach the class while I was off learning something else on my own during class...

Basically I became a computer junkie at this time - My entire home life has started to revolve around computers - I was building websites like crazy - I was building programs like crazy

I even knew how to make viruses and applications that could destroy your machine withint a blink of an eye (my fav application I have only used once to test on a machine when I made it but never yet used it on anyone - I would place it on the hd (hard drive) at anytime place or anything - once copied it is programmed to wait about 5 minutes and copy its interior code to the autoexec.bat file - then after the copy [which is totally undetactable by any virus scan software] it will force the system into a shutdown mode [it turns your machine off] - you will see your machine shut down and your freaked out and are confused to all hell - so you turn it back on to see what the hell just happened - well before it boots up the windows it has to load the autoexec.bat file [thats the file that tells the computer what to load and when to load it] - well my little app had put code in that file that will flash your system BIOS [its the programed that is stored on your mother board that tells the computer how to work] - flash means that it erases the program and puts a new program on it - then the system will shutdown again before ever booting windows up or giving any error messages - your then left wondering and frustrated at this point so you turn your machine back on again - this time as soon as it is turned on the BIOS goes into effect and the new code is telling the machine to over work the CPU WELL above its normal speed [basically overclocking but at an outrageous speed] and it causes your CPU to fry within seconds [the test took about 5 seconds for it to fry] )

Anyways - I started to learn more and more about this world that was called cyber space - Here is where we start the analogies - we will call Cyber Space 'the Matrix' - it is a world that is built of nothing but electronic signals - it can bring ppl from all over the world together in the exact same room - I learned to walk around this Matrix and view stuff as I pleased (hacking - the good kind - i dont destroy ppl s machines or spy on them) - I became really good at this and along the way I met others that have learned to do this also - I learned things from them I did not know and they learned things from me they did not know - We all became quite good friends - there are 4 of us - i wont say names - Well, we found this new world that we never seen before and it interested us greatly because the rules were different than any other place in the Matrix - this place is known as IRC - so we stayed in there for about 2 years learning how things worked and building our own new things in there - then the makers of this world saw us making these things and they liked our stuff - Well, we did not want to share our stuff - we just wanted to stay in our litle corner of this world and did not want to cause and disruption of the peace - these ppl insisted that we showed them how we made our stuff and we further argued back - then (since they built the place they make the rules and are the Gods) they started to push us around because they were 'stronger' and 'faster' than us - lets call them 'agents' lol - and then we got pissed off at this and we got up and we showed them that we were just as fast and just as strong and we killed their uplinks into their own world - they were all down for about 3 minutes and during this time we were the Gods and we went around and copied as much of their world as we could and then destroyed it and left (we caused an entire netsplit between all their IRC servers that lasted for about 3 days and then killed their uplink to their ISP's that lasted for about 30 minutes to an hour - a netsplit means each server is still on and allowing connections - but the servers are not talking to each other - basically how you have alot of rooms in a house but all the dorrs are now closed and they wont open)

Well, after this we studied how they made their world tick - we learned everything there was to know - we all knew different computer languages so we were all about to look at this code and somewhat read it - it was written in VC++6 which was very similar to the C++ that I know - it is just newer

So we started to build our own world and used the code that we had from the other world as a model - We built a world that was WAY better than theirs - This was OUR world - lets call it 'the Train Station' and we all are the 'Trainmen' ('matrix reloaded' character and place) - We started to let ppl come into our world and junk for awhile - then we closed the doors on it - we decided that our world is best left to us and our friends - our world is pl3x.net

Well, we have been jacked in to this world for about 6 months to a year now - and we have all been jacked in the the matrix for about 8 years now - We know that there is a real world out of this place - but we just seem to like our world better than the real world - at least in the train station we can fix anything that goes wrong and in the real world things are just constantly going wrong and we cant fix them...

To put this a little more clearly - this site we are all on right now, loveforum.net, it is its own world - we all jack into here and communicate with others - its not direct chat like my world is - but this is the same principal - you jack in and do your thing and then you jack out.

My problem is that I never jack out of my world I go there and I will stay for hours and hours - the only time i ever get off is to work, eat, feed my son, and sleep - but even while doing all those other things i am not totally jacked out because I am constantly thinking about things that need to be done in there.

Me being jacked in has ruined a few of my relationships in the past. I know this and have come to accept this. But now I want a relationship - and I am not going to let any matrix get in the way of that - But I seem to have a problem - I am addicted. it has become a drug for me - Last week I tried to unplug and it lasted only 1 day - after that I was righ back on it exactly where I was before. Hell - I even tried to unplug from this world - iyou all remember me saying goodbye like 3 weeks ago - I was gone for what - 4, maybe 5 days ? Then I am back just as much as I was befor e- like nothin ever happened.

This dream world has caused me to loose friends, relationships, and just about anything one could have in the real world - self confidence for example... I cant do the things here tha I can in my world - that makes me feel weak when I am in the real world - and it shows...

I dont know why I am posting this - I really am not asking for advice or anything - I am just stating how I am - I know how I have to change - I just have to truely want to change - then I will do it - I guess the time is not right now - Everything happens for a reason - Maybe I cant unplug because I am meant to be jacked in to do something here that I dont know yet - One day I will know my purpose - I just hope its not too late when I figure it out.