ex girlfriend pulled the "I need time" card?

me and my ex dated a little over a year and broke up last week. our relationship had recently been going back and forth with her feeling like I wasnt that into her and then switch to me feeling that way about her..long story short.

the past month I really let my feelings out and tried to treat her like a goddess, the way I regrettably should have done much sooner. she seemed happier but started getting weird out of nowhere. we broke up because she has been so all over the places mentally bc of our relationship and how I started to act this way so much later. so she said she wants time to think, do her, and get her head straight. so I've given her space and cut off contact so I'm not interfering.

Is this the right thing to do? I understand I may have lost her bc I wasn't a good boyfriend but wouldn't me changing (albeit very late) count for something? I asked her if there was somebody else, or if she wanted somebody else and she said no and that this is for herself only. she even deleted her Facebook. so does this sound like she's genuine and really wants to just be alone and is me giving her space with no contact the right thing for us?

You need to play the "Have a nice life" card. If you play it properly, it can work for both of you as soon as you move on.

I think you should have no contact for a month and if you dont hear from her by then text her and say "look i love you more than anything and i want us to work but if its over, i will understand, i just need to no what your thinking and what you want. If its not me-thats ok ill leave you alone but if you want to get back on track, great. Either way i need a straight answer" and just leave it there. If you dont get a straight answer, move on with your life and accept it wasnt meant to be. If she comes back, make sure she knows from that point on how much she means to you. Best of luck

Yeah, give her time, but time shouldn't stop for you. Keep moving. Life is for the living. You may not even want that relationship once she finishes her "TIME traveling"

Another vote for the 'have a nice life' card. No way would I wait around for someone who didn't even know if they wanted to be with me.

I asked her if she was afraid to say that it's over, to give me the truth no matter much it hurt, basically begging her to tell me to move on. she said its nothing more than getting her head straight and that she just wants to be alone. she's never lied to me before and has had harsh words before so I don't see why she would start lying now. also, she texted me yesterday asking if I wanted to meet so I can get a few clothes I left at her house, I said I couldn't and was being short to all her texts if I answered at all, she would text something else everytime I had no response (she said ok ttyl and I said nothing, she then texted that she could meet me closer to my house if I wanted).

today she didn't text me about meeting for me to get my clothes so Im going to keep the no contact up until she does.

and the moving on part, perhaps most people would agree I should but I enjoy my time with her and everything else. but i might be starting a much higher paying job within the next two weeks, so I will take this time to focus on that.

>>basically begging her to tell me to move on.<<

Mate, leaving your future in the hands of someone else will do your head in. This is why I endorse the 'have a nice life' suggestion. You'll just feel out of control and powerless while leaving it all up to her.

And it's gotta be said, taking 'space' is probably the most selfish stunt a person in a relationship can pull. And it shows that she's not marriage material. Can you imagine a husband or wife saying "I need space"? No...because healthy couples support each other - they don't push a loving partner away.

Do you really want to wait for somene who can't even decide if they want to be with you? And what if you get back together and she pulls this stunt again? I mean, it's clear that she believes her behaviour is acceptable.

Sh-t. listen, you're in emotional danger. You wouldn't ask a snake to let you know when it's getting ready to bite you; so why would wait for her to tell you otherwise. She probably wants you to just get the damn hint, because she doesnt know how to speak her mind or her heart. She doesnt want to hurt you, I get it. But at the same time, she isn't doing you any favors by not telling you. So, judging from her inaction, and lack of spirit in her part of the relationship; you should make an executive decision; you know, separate the players from the kings. Man up and stand up..or as my grandfather used to say.."Handle that scandal"

I totally agree, and this is what I'm thinking about myself but I haven't been so clear as to "why" our relationship had been rocky.

she has a few trust issues concerning me. one is my history with how many girls I've slept with plus the lack of them I was actually dating. at first she wasnt in a rush to even date me because she assumed she'd just be another girl but we ended up together anyway. since then there was always "trust issues" with me she'd bring up, some were misunderstandings some weren't. one such event happened recently and it's actually one of the "biggest reasons she needs time away from me to think" says her.

I was going to a morrissey show I had tickets for and an ex "fling" was also going and wrote me a Facebook message asking who I was going with and that she was having a party after and that I should go. I answered her that I was going alone but going home after, she sent me her number but I didn't save it. my now ex new the old fling was going and asked if I saw her, knowing that her and I had a history prior to my ex. well I said no, because I didn't but said she wrote me messages on Facebook but they weren't personal and I was short in conversation. my ex seemed indifferent but understood. the next day she said she didn't believe I didn't want to talk to her but as a poorly planned cover up I denied answering the questions I was messaged on Facebook. this set my ex off bc she caught me in a lie and after I admitted to lying it just fueled her "I have a hard time trusting you" fire.

after this is when I went overkill trying to show I was sorry and that I am trustworthy and actually care about her despite any history I had.

I felt that this part didnt have to be mentioned but after reading the comments it sounded like my ex is to blame for just feeling the way she does out of the blue.

I do however want her to believe I really care about her and that i make mistakes as does she and everybody else. I'm still going to focus on myself but hope she can come around as unlikely as it seems. so should I still remain with no contact towards her? I already told her everything here I mentioned already.

Okay, well..let me whip out my other paint brushes here. She has trust issues because of a past that doesn't concern her? Does she not want you to have opposite sex friends? Thats very common.

And of course you didnt help the "Spiritofjosh" relationship fund, by lying to her. So now that she's sold herself on ""needing more time to trust", it's not even in her hands, because trust is an expensive piece of glasswork inside a glass house. She can't deal with your "big daddy" past, and now she can't seem to get over the facebook thing.....yeah, my man, you've gotta wash up and step back, and let her come around when she's ready..otherwise resentment will come if you try to drag that horse to the waterhole.

Yes, the have-a-nice-life card is the way to go:

If she never wants to get back with you, you'll have already started the process of grieving and moving on.

If she calls and wants to get back together with you because she knows what she wants now, they yay.

If she calls and wants to get back together and still doesn't know what she wants - then YOU get to say "No. Call me if/when you're sure, not before... and have a nice life." and get to get on with your life.

It's a can't-lose situation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bleucandle [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay, well..let me whip out my other paint brushes here. She has trust issues because of a past that doesn't concern her? Does she not want you to have opposite sex friends? Thats very common.

And of course you didnt help the "Spiritofjosh" relationship fund, by lying to her. So now that she's sold herself on ""needing more time to trust", it's not even in her hands, because trust is an expensive piece of glasswork inside a glass house. She can't deal with your "big daddy" past, and now she can't seem to get over the facebook thing.....yeah, my man, you've gotta wash up and step back, and let her come around when she's ready..otherwise resentment will come if you try to drag that horse to the waterhole.

---

exactly what i was thinking, very good advice and thank you for understanding....i guess i should have mentioned the bulk of that originally. whoops.

Sorry, your explanation doesn't change my attitude.

Not only is she insecure because of your past - which has absolutely nothing to do with her - she's giving you the 3rd degree regarding when you go out and about who you message! You do not owe her explanations of all your Facebook messages - and she has no business asking you about it in the first place. Besides, I bet if you'd been honest about the ex sending you a FB message, she would have gotten mad about that too.

I think you're better off away from her. With her, you're in a lose/lose situation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sorry, your explanation doesn't change my attitude.

Not only is she insecure because of your past - which has absolutely nothing to do with her - she's giving you the 3rd degree regarding when you go out and about who you message! You do not owe her explanations of all your Facebook messages - and she has no business asking you about it in the first place. Besides, I bet if you'd been honest about the ex sending you a FB message, she would have gotten mad about that too.

I think you're better off away from her. With her, you're in a lose/lose situation.

---

Very good point. i honestly do see her side in a way only because if she told me about messages she received from somebody i thought she still had interest with i'd wonder what was going on and if she was hiding anything, but at the same time i should be able to trust her to tell me the truth and not do anything shady. maybe to her i seem shady and that she could be hurt at any moment but when she can't look past her paranoia and trust me than that is a problem.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by spiritofjosh [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Very good point. i honestly do see her side in a way only because if she told me about messages she received from somebody i thought she still had interest with i'd wonder what was going on and if she was hiding anything,

---

Then you don't trust her... either.