Is this offense worthy of forgivness?
I've been in my relationship for 3 months, it's fresh but things moved really fast which wasn't a big deal it felt right for us. Back in February I got out of a very stressful relationship with a man who didn't know what he wanted, he kept me close but he pushed me away and I had finally had it. We haven't talked since then but in September he contacted me at first it was to apologize about how he treated me but a week later he was like we need to talk more. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, I thought he was full of it and my boyfriend saw the MSN conversation where I clearly stated I didn't want to be with him and that I wanted to be in the relationship I was in, it was too little too late.
Nearly a month went by and we weren't talking, he would randomly text me saying he wanted to talk or send me a message on face book. I never replied to the text but I did on Facebook saying I was happy. We used to play an online game together and I had stopped, I wanted to play with friends again so we all started talking and HE came back into the picture, at first it was just to be friends in order to play a game as a group. We all talked, I'm a forgiving person to a fault and I don't hold ANY grudges towards anyone so we started talking via skype, our conversations started about the game and he'd randomly toss in comments about how he felt but I would say I love my boyfriend I'm happy. The more we talked though the more curious I got, like what was really different this time why couldn't he just let me go.
We started to talk about what he really felt and it tugged on my heart, I was happy with my boyfriend and I love him and I stressed that at every point in our conversations but I didn't tell him to stop telling me these things. We were talking on Skype and my boyfriend found out that I was talking to him about playing a game, he wasn't mad at me he just didn't understand why I would put myself in that situation with someone who was so mean to me. I told him I wouldn't talk to him anymore and I went a few days where I didn't talk to him, but I was avoiding my friends in the process so I started talking to them again but my ex was around and we started talking again, mostly about my current relationship but again he would tell me how he felt about me and it put a lot of what if thoughts in my head, not really things I wanted to act on but like what if he really meant it it's what I wanted THEN but not now.
Last week my boyfriend and I went on a vacation, it was the first time we had seen each other in nearly 6 weeks because it's a long distance relationship. Something was off, I swear it was with him and it caused problems between us when we went our own ways. He told me he was worried we had a problem this early in the relationship and that he needed a few days to think about everything because he didn't know if he could continue the relationship. It devastated me, it broke my heart we just had a bad trip, the circumstances were the problem not us. He was sick, I was stressed from stuff back home, he was stressed from work, we were in a shitty hotel where we couldn't sleep at all and in someplace that was just weird to us.
It sent me into a irrational place of mind, I was talking to my friends about how upset I was and my ex started calling me on skype asking whats up and we talked about what happen. I was clearly upset and in a vulnerable state and he started talking about us. I started talking about us, like what I thought about EVEYRTHING and how I believed that he had changed and that I was really hung up on him a long time and how if maybe things didn't work out for me and my boyfriend we could revisit this. I was upset and had so much going though my head I couldn't think straight, I know I said things I didn't full heatedly mean. Though out the course of 2 days though the same thing I kept saying is I love my boyfriend and I want to work it out with him, I could see myself building a future with him. I stressed over and over just how in love I was with this other man. I never once told my ex that I loved him or I missed him, I missed how things were but that's the past it's too little too late.
2 days go by and me and my boyfriend and I finally talk, we agree that maybe it was just the circumstances and we were going to give it another shot. I was happy! I didn't want to tell my ex that me and my boyfriend kissed and made up I just wanted to forget about the retarded conversation and situation I put myself in but my friend said I needed to tell him. So I did, I went to my ex and I told him we made up and that I wanted to try and make it work. He got upset and was like I bet fi you saw me you'd feel differently, I knew I was in too deep at this point and I was worried it would get back to my boyfriend. I didn't know how to let him down without him freaking out. I told him I believed him that things were differently and yes that I still had feelings for him but they weren't the same, if I felt for him what I did I wouldn't be with my boyfriend I would be with him but that I wasn't going to leave my boyfriend for him. I said more things I didn't mean because I didn't know how to get out of it I just wanted to end the conversation and wake up the next day and start fresh.
I tell him that if in November after my visit to my boyfriend if things weren't better then I knew it wasn't going to work and that maybe we could revisit the idea of us. I didn't mean it, I know I didn't mean it I was just trying to deflect it. I told him I wasn't trying to lead him on or make him any promises but that I had a lot of thinking to do, when in reality I already made up my mind I just didn't know how to get out of THIS with him. He wanted to come out and see me, I told him no I'm working I have no time, again deflecting, I didn't want him to come. Before I went to bed I told a mutual friend please talk him out of coming to see me.
The next morning I wake up, I wasn't going to talk to my ex anymore I had no reason to I didn't love him and I didn't really want to be with him, I was just upset and in an awkward moment I already regretted and just wanted to forget it ever happen and I thought it would work that way. Boy was I wrong, my ex apparently tells his ex we were talking to get back at her for her having a new boyfriend, she HATES me because of something I had no idea about until a year later but she went to my boyfriend and told him we were talking. My boyfriend calls me and asks me if me and my ex were talking, I say no I want you I love you I want to be with you. I lied and I felt horrible but I didn't want to hurt him i wanted to move past all of this. He says he believes me and we drop it.
My ex all day long had been trying to get ahold of me because he found out that his ex talked to my boyfriend and he wanted to apologize to me and that he would never tell my boyfriend we were talking and he just wanted me to be happy even if it was with my boyfriend and not him. I didn't reply, I told my friend to tell him if he really loves me and wants me to be happy like he said he does then to just let me go, I'm sorry for everything happening the way it did but that I made my decision I wanted to be with my boyfriend. My friend says he started crying and I left it at that.
2 hours later my boyfriend and I are on the phone because my ex decided to send him every text log and skype call ID and he saw EVERYTHING we talked about. He saw that I had lied to him about talking to my ex and he saw all the what if's and irrational feelings I expressed and it hurt him esp when I said and wrote two different things to my ex. I spoke to him and said during our vacation I thought about him, that he would have really enjoyed it a lot more then me and my boyfriend were because of where we were at and what was going on and the people, but I wrote that same night. The entire time I was with him I was thinking about you. I said it even if I didn't mean it the way it came across I still wrote it and he knew it would kill my boyfriend so he showed it to him.
My boyfriend and I were on the phone for hours, I was crying and admitting to it all, explaining that it all started because of a game and any conversations were about him and how happy I was with us and that only in the last few days it was anything more. I was just upset and I wasn't thinking clearly, I knew that I was in too deep but I didn't know how to get out of it, I felt like I was taken advantage of but I put myself in that situation and had no one else to blame but myself. I told him I loved him and that I had woke up this morning never to talk to my ex again, he said he didn't know if he could believe me because I lied to him twice when he asked if I was talking to him what was different this time. I told him I know it's really hard but I knew what I wanted, I knew that I wanted him. I professed, over and over just how much I loved him and how sorry I was and begged for forgiveness and the opportunity to prove to him that I meant what I said.
He said he couldn't talk to me anymore and that he might call me over the weekend, I've probably called him 45 times, and left a wall of text in IM's saying how sorry I was and that I loved him and I prayed that he knew that. He copied and pasted a few things to me that my ex was telling him and some of it was really embellished, but it didn't matter I still betrayed his trust and I hurt someone I knew would have never hurt me. I broke my own heart. We haven't spoken since and I've had to concede to the fact he wont return my phone calls and wont talk to me but we haven't broken up. I would have thought that he would have broken up with me last night but this suspense is killing me. The last week I haven't been able to eat or sleep given the circumstances I cant even go to work, I've literally given myself a panic attack and passed out. All I can think about is what I've done and how badly I want the opportunity to prove that I want to be with my boyfriend. I know that we wouldn't be ok over night, that it was going to take time and me showing him every day that I meant what I said to HIM.
I haven't talked to my ex, I refuse to. I told a friend to tell him I hope he's happy and the friend said he was, that he told my ex because he felt like I lead him on even though I clearly stated to him verbally and though text I would never leave my boyfriend for him and that it was a lot of what if's and me being upset, doesn't matter though because it all still happened and I obviously hurt him too so he figured if he couldn't have me, then he was going to make sure I wasn't going to have my boyfriend. He had the nerve to tell my friend that for what it's worth he didn't think my boyfriend would leave me when he asked why he said he was just good at reading people.
I sit here knowing I broke my own heart and most importantly the one mans who I know would have never hurt me. I can only pray for forgiveness at this point and continue to remind him when or if the opportunity arises that I love him and that I truly mean it. I have no one to blame but myself for this and I know this was a lot to read but any advice or a simple yes or no if this is worthy of being forgiven for would be much appreciated.
I know that I need to never talk to my ex again which I wont and I need to give my boyfriend space, he could have broken up with me last night but he didn't so there may be hope. I will show him and tell him that I love him and mean what I say if he gives me the opportunity, I was so wrong...
