Should I try to reach out?

My girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We spent the first 3 years together in a long distance relationship but we saw each other every weekend during that time. After 3 years, I moved to her city to attend grad school and we still live in the same town today.

I am now a working professional and she is a PhD student. In May, she took a 3 month internship with a hospital in another city. In June, she called me and abruptly ended our relationship. She told me it was because she felt like she was losing her independence and was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to talk to her about it but she refused. She was under a tremendous amount of pressure that week so I gave her some time alone to settle down. We finally spoke again on the phone and she simply said she didn't want to talk about our split but that she knew she wasn’t the girl who was going to make me happy. She has dismissive-avoidant attachment issues that developed from her relationship with her parents. the characteristics are a strong desire for independence, refusal to ask for help, increasingly becoming less intimate and refusing to talk about feelings. She is that way exactly.

We were both very much in love and very happy. When I moved closer, we maintained our boundaries very well at first. During this time we talked about getting married and both of us wanted that. After I graduated our boundaries were compromised because I had more free time to spend with her. This is the point where she gradually started becoming more distant and rigid. The more affection I started to show, the worse it got.

I can’t help but believe that if she would open up and address the attachment issues that we could go back to being the happy couple that we used to be. She says she does not want to talk about it but I don't know if she is aware of the way she is or if she is too insecure or uninterested to talk about it. Should I try to pursue a discussion with her or should I leave it alone and move on? I know we can't be together if she can't change but she means so much to me (and I know that I did to her) that I don't want to throw in the towel without trying but I also don’t want to cause her anymore distress than she already has. She was picking out our children’s names and arranging for our parents to meet a few weeks before she left for the summer. She assured me that there is no one else and I believe her. Any advice at all would be much appreciated!

Trying to talk to her about all the things that are wrong with her is possibly the worst idea I have ever heard.

It sounds like you got too clingy and she bailed. It happens all the time. And a lot of people break up and don't want to talk about it. That is not that unusual.

I would say that it sucks that a long relationship ended this way, but it did. It's best to accept that and move forward. Wish her well and then concentrate on finding someone who shares your thoughts on attachment in relationships.

Good luck.

Communicating my feelings and bringing to the light a potentially unknown problem to a person that I was deeply in love with for five years and she with me is the worst idea you've ever heard? Without elaborating why? This is possibly the worst advice I have ever received. Stick to your day job.

You want more elaboration?

Quote:

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She has dismissive-avoidant attachment issues that developed from her relationship with her parents... but I don't know if she is aware of the way she is

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That quote, from your original post, is condescending and patronizing. You aren't her doctor. You aren't her shrink. You are her EX-boyfriend. You don't have a right to say to her, "Hey, you know how f-ed up you are? Let me tell you how f-ed up you are."

Maybe you mean it from a good place in your heart, but no, do not do this. If you do, I wouldn't be surprised if she went off on you worse than you could ever imagine.

There you go; good point. It's logical, however, I had similar attachment issues with my parents and my personality and I was completely oblivious to it. It ruined a lot of good relationships with friends and women and made me miserable for many years. I am thankful that someone finally brought it to my attention and I have been working at changing ever since and I am finally happy. I see a lot of what I went through in my ex and I just want to help.

I've since adopted the motto that people should be honest at any expense. You can't learn and evolve into a better person if people are always skirting issues with you. That is how I feel and how I ask people to treat me, I guess I am asking how others perceive this kind of thing. It looks like you're on the keep-your-mouth-shut side.

Terrible idea. She broke up with you because you wouldn't leave her alone, so you think pestering her with this nonsense will make her see the light and want you back? Don't think so.

Her mind is made up, which is why she doesn't want to talk about it. Leave her alone, and perhaps she will return, perhaps not, but trying to make her talk about it when she explicitly stated that she does not want to is not going achieve anything favorable for you.