How do I proceed... (major wall of text)
Right, so before you read this you should know it's going to be long, as I really feel I need to write this down in order to help me process everything. Any help/advice will be hugely appreciated.
Intro:
I'll start from the beginning. I currently live in San Diego, where I started studying last summer (so I've lived here for little over a year now). At first it was amazing, the first 6 months were pure heaven really - a lot of partying, a lot of good friends, had great people in my class who I connected extremely well with (and still do). But in December of last year something changed. At a party I met this girl, someone who even though she was in my class I had never spoken to before. We talked, and talked, and talked, and basically had an amazing time. And in terms of appearance, she's perfect; flawless body in every sense of the word, as well as an amazing face and her eyes are out of this world (yeah, I realize how pathetic this sounds, but it's how I feel). Anyway, the natural thing to do after a night like this would probably be to think 'Wow. I have to have her. I need her.' - and so I did. But, as a defense mechanism I never let myself go entirely early on, I always control myself and make sure I don't go crazy over somebody too fast, because that way I won't get hurt/disappointed/whatever if I don't get what I want. Only when I'm absolutely sure the other person feels the same way, I let the feelings start flowing uncontrollably. Anyway, I was still VERY interested in her after this night, but did nothing at first.
Development:
Like I said, I did nothing at first. But one month later, she contacts me. There was this big party going down later that night, and she asked me if I wanted to meet up a few hours before the party for a few drinks with her and 2 others (one girl, one guy). Of course I say yes, and I go. Everything is great and we connect amazingly well, she's really getting me and vice versa - my sense of humour is spot on, and so is hers. We proceed to go out, and it's really really good. Except this time it was just us really, we left everybody behind and there was intimate dancing and just what you'd expect from a great night out really. No kissing or anything of the sort though. This was one of many nights like this, we'd go out the 4 of us (me, her and the other guy + girl), and also have 'dinners' and whatever. Basically what normal people would consider double dating. At this point this girl and I spoke daily for 3+ hours (phone, aol, irl - whatever) during the weeks, and we'd do things at the weekend. Again though, although there was a lot of intimacy there hadn't been any kissing or anything like that. This is where I started letting myself go, and even though I'm afraid of admitting it I probably fell in love here, or at least developed a strong crush. I was so sure she wanted the same thing that I felt comfortable jumping into it. Because we were pretty much exclusive at this point despite the fact nothing had happened, it was her and me, and she wouldn't even look at other guys when we were out or anywhere else. And what normally happens here also happened to me; she was on my mind all the time, and I considered her to be the most amazing thing on the planet, both in terms of personality and beauty. This is approximately 3 months after we first met in December.
Bomb:
We continue to socialize the same way as before, only now I really imply I want more. And this is also where things start going bad. I suddenly feel she's acting weird, she's acting as though she's really into me still, but when I try and imply I want to go out just with her (to do regular one-on-one dating things, for example going to the movies or whatever), she says no and says we need to include the other two (even though when the 4 of us are out, it's always just me and her talking/doing things, and the same goes for the other two). At this point I almost freak out, I don't show it of course, but I start thinking that maybe I was completely wrong about her. So I go on and make the biggest mistake of my life; I decide I should talk to her and tell her how I feel. We meet, and start talking casually and then I tell her. I don't tell her I think I'm in love, but I say that there's a chance I may want more with her. And her reaction to this was just weird, she acted as though she was unsure and needed to think, but at the same time sort of advised me to 'move on' by saying shit like 'I'm a really bad girlfriend' and whatnot. No need to describe the discussion further, this was basically what was said even though we talked for 3 hours. The way I read the situation was that she wanted to say she wasn't interested, but was afraid to lose me as a 'friend'. So instead of being honest with me, she kept me thinking that maybe there was a chance. So this didn't really help. At all. We continued to hang out and socialize as before (also a big mistake), and this meant my feelings for her developed even further. Two weeks later I decided to talk to her agian, and this time I demanded some sort of answer, and she told me 'I don't want a boyfriend right now.', which was the reply I was expecting but it hurt far more than I could ever imagine. She's single, I'm single, we're amazing together and we both want to be with each other - yet it's not good enough for a relationship? It's not even worth giving a shot? I couldn't understand. This is early April. Despite this we still continue to 'hang out' to some extent, but we've stopped talking for 3+ hours everyday (because of me, I killed all non-real life contact). It's not really weird between us, but there is a clear sense of sadness. And I'm a wreck even though I'm not showing it, crying nearly everyday and I'm really struggling to get her off my mind. Having to see her everyday (we're in the same class, remember) is hurtful, and things being different from before is also killing me here.
Aftermath:
The last couple of months are a rollercoaster, we go back and forth. We talk a lot about this A LOT without reaching a conclusion/solution to the "problem" (the problem being me liking her). And by a lot I mean a lot, phone calls lasting several hours as well as late night talks when we run into each other out. Anyway, summer comes and there's a slight chance of me leaving for good (transferring), I tell her this and say bye etc. She breaks down completely and cries like crazy. And this just confuses me even more, why would she care so much about someone who's nothing but a friend? Anyway summer comes and we're apart for 3 months. I still can't quite forget about her, but it's managable. She moves on completely and meets guys or whatever, which affects me of course, but the distance makes it relatively easy to deal with. Anyway summer is over just like that, and we're back here. And at first I acted as though I was over her completely and didn't care, also acted like I really didn't want to be friends with her. I also thought this would be somewhat easy to pull off due to the summer (I mean, 3 months, come on, we were never even a couple). Anyway, I see her pretty much 'hooking up' with a guy (this guy being a friend of mine) when we're at the same club, and I'm sickened by it and feel like I want to die. I go home and feel beyond miserable, and I realize I'm not over her at all. I think I am, then suddenly I realize I'm not. As we see each other everyday still due to certain mandatory activities, it's almost the same as before; she makes an effort to socialize with me (since she misses me and whatnot), and I'm alright with her there and then. But whenever we're out it's bad. And a few days ago it escalated, she called me while drunk (I was in for a change), and told me she was with that same guy, and I told her I was sickened after which she hung up. That's something I shouldn't have said obviously since it's not my place, but I can't really help it. And judging by how I react I feel there's no way we can be just friends. So, we had a talk a couple of days ago; we spoke for about an hour and basically agreed that, like this, we're just making each other miserable, so we can't and should not be friends. We'll see each other in class, and at the occasional party, but other than that nothing at all. It was difficult for both of us to hang up after this was stated, but we did in the end anyway.
So, if you're still reading, that's the short version of the story. And my main problem with this girl is that I can't understand why she wouldn't give me a shot? This is the only thing I want to ask her, but I never would, not in a million years. I could never sink that low and be that pathetic. But it bothers me, why is it that she can date loads of guys below my level in terms of appearance, personality (since she VERY clearly likes me as a person) and personal success, and not even consider giving me a chance? She clearly hardcore friendzoned me, which bothers the shit out of me, especially when she says pretty much any guy in the world is a 'possible' partner, but with me it's a definite no go.
To conclude, where do I go from here? Do I try and go with "our" plan, and ignore her even though it's what neither of us want. Do I ask her why she won't give me a chance? (haha) Or do I try and, somehow, turn her around? If I go with the first option I will feel miserable every now and then, but I guess maybe I'll manage. The problem is, to me, she's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, not even Hollywood girls compare to her. I know I'm infatuated and that I'm living under some type of illusion that she's perfect, but I can't help it. So what do I do? Keep in mind I will see her everyday for another couple of years.
Also, if you read this, you're a hero.
