Friends with benefits or not?
Hi,
Just looking for a little bit of advice for the current situation I am in. I will try and make this as short and easy to understand lol.
So, about 4 months ago a friend of mine, let's name him A met a French girl, let's name her P. I had a house party and he invited P along with her friend. I lived in France for 5 years, so my French speaking is excellent. As soon as we met we got along great, as we had so much in common we become good friends, spoke in French with her and her friend etc... P and A started texting a lot and he told me he liked her etc... So every time we went out drinking they hooked up, danced and kissed. I wasn't that interested in her at first and also as my friend A liked her it would be wrong to even try something. Anyways a month went by and they stopped talking, it just didn't work out. However me and P kept talking as friends and started going out with other friends. I introduced her to my friend called D. As soon as he met P, he said he liked her. I told her and she said she liked him as well. So anyways they started talking lol. That only lasted about 2 weeks. He asked her out but she wasn't that interested and said she is not looking for anything serious.. especially when they only knew each other for a few weeks. So in November it was my 23rd. We all went out had a good night and at the end of the night P came up to me and kissed me goodbye as she was going home and left me standing there totally confused... But that confusion sparked everything up for me.
I spent the next few days talking to her as per usual, did not say anything regarding the kiss. Anyways I soon came to realize that I really liked P. We get along great, have so much in common, I can speak fluent French etc... However I was scared to tell her in-case it ruined the friendship we had as she no longer talked to A and D(apparently). Then one night we went on a night out drinking. Her friend and I were smoking a cigarette outside and she asked me "Do you like P?" I tried to dodge the question and say "Yeah, she's a great friend!". But no success, she then asked again, but asking it in another way. I said no. But she clocked on, she said in a friendly tone. "Don't lie!" I can tell by the way you look at her and talk about her all the time." So eventually I gave in and admitted that yes I do like P. But I was also scared to ruin the friendship and she agreed with me. She said that they were both leaving to go back to France in May and that P is not looking for anything serious, she said she won't tell P anything. However, they are best friends and we all know women... they love to talk and to gossip :P
So a few weeks went by, we were still talking and getting along well, going out every week drinking and hanging out. Just before Christmas they wanted to do something before they left for France on Christmas eve. We were all money drained due to the festive period. So I invited everyone round for a meal and drinks. Things went really well. During that evening P asked me to go out for a cigarette to talk, so we did. She then starts telling me that she really likes me and that her friend told her that I liked her(surprise :P) One thing led to another and we kissed and the night continued with chatting etc... The enxt day out of respect I talked to my friend A, asking him if he is cool with it and he was, he told me to go for it.
Anyways, over the Christmas period we talked literally everyday, all day.. none stop. My phone was constantly going off, she rang on new years at exactly 00:00. Although we were not physically together, we had a great time talking. We also got talking about relationships and we talked regarding her moving back to France and we both agreed that although we really like each other. We can not have a relationship. P lives in the south of France and I live in the north of England. No way it would work out. Simply because we both can not afford to see each other more than twice or so a year.
So on the 2nd of Jan she comes back from France, as soon as I finished work her flight came in, she went home dropped her stuff off then unexpectedly came to my house. I had a few friends round playing poker at that time. So I stopped playing for her, had a bottle of wine, a few more drinks with friends until they left... She then asked me if I wanted to go to bed. I was pretty drunk at the time so I didn't think much of it and jumped straight to bed with her.
I won't go too much into details. But we did not have sex. We spent the whole night kissing, cuddling and talking. I will admit I did try to go the extra mile.. But she said "No, it is not what friends do." and I respect that so I stopped trying. When we wake up she had to leave and I asked her.. "Will this happen again?" and she said no. I was pretty upset and confused about it. However we still talked on a daily basis.
So this is where things started deteriorating. Me and my friend D are close, talk all the time and he knew everything about me and P and was fine with it as he is actually dating my flatmate now. So anyways. He tells me that P has started to text him again. Nothing bad, just casual texting. To me thats nothing so althought they did have a past, I tried not to think much of it. He then received a text off P saying she is jealous that he is now in a relationship with my flat mate... So that really kind of hit a nerve. I rang her and asked about it and said what she was suppose to day was "I am jealous at what you and K(my flat mate) have got between each other. You guys look great together!". So I left it at that. She is Frensh studying English so I can't say she lied, maybe she did but I am not the one to start arguing
So Friday P wanted to make a French meal at my house at first I thought it was just me and her.. But infact she invited D round so he and my flat mate could eat with us. So now my brain is completely puzzled. Anyways the night went good. But still nothing has happened between me and P, no cuddles not even a goodnight kiss, she went home.
So I asked her if she had a thing for D and she said No, she really cares for me, she wants to be with me, but we both know we can't. So we left it at that. 2 days ago there was a large group of my friends who decided to go on a night out. P said we could all have a few drinks at hers first then go into the city center. So we did, had a few drinks etc.. nothing bad has happened so far. Anyways a few taxis arrived, I shouted up the stairs for her but she didn't come down. Anyways I got into a taxi and left, she then text me saying shes in the taxi with D and that she will meet us there and that's when I knew it was going to go bad. We got to the club and sat down in the smoking area, she was a bit drunk, she sat next to me cuddled me and telling me that she missed me but then D walks in and sits at the other end of the table, she stands up and goes and sits next to him and right in front of me she starts flirting with D trying to cuddle him etc.. D is a good friend and he knew straight away that something was up so he got up and moved away, she didn't seem to pleased so she came back and sat next to me... Throughout the night it was the same thing... like in repeat mode. Until my friends spotted it and said she is intentionally trying to piss you off. So me and D talked and he said next time just walk away. So we went outside, same thing happened, she walks in sits next to me, holds my hand and leans on my shoulder, then D walks in and guess what... she walks over and sit next to him, so we both look at each other and walked out we ignored her for the rest of the night until she starts crying and leaves in a mood. I then get a text saying hope you are enjoying your night. I will miss. I ignored it.
(So sorry didn't expect this to be so long)
So yesterday she messaged me asking if I was hung over etc... I was at work so I did not have the time to text back and to be honest I was upset with her and did not want to talk to her. Eventually I replied back. I will be honest I did give her the cold shoulder, short replies and not really giving her anything to reply back to. So she eventually got the hint and said she will stop bothering me. I didn't reply to that. When I finished work she text me clearly knowing she did something wrong, apologizing saying I'm so sorry if I did something to upset you last night, I ignored it then got a dozen messages asking me to reply.
After the whole day of thinking about it , I decided to get everything off my chest.
I sent her a message over facebook explaining how I felt about her. Saying that I find it really hard to hangout with someone who I really care for but not being able to be with them. We spent months as friends, then talking everyday, spent a really good night cuddling etc... I've really fell for this girl and then seeing her on a weekly basis knowing that we can only be friends.. it's just really hard. I also told her that she clearly likes D and that what she did last night was really unfair. I understand she is single, she can flirt with whoever she wants.. but not with my bestfriend and especially in front of my best friends its.. just wrong. She says it's me getting jealous and paranoid, but about 3 other friends of mine spotted it.
She replied swearing to god that she has no feelings for D and she just enjoys being his friend as he is a funny guy (I admit he is) and that she does not like him more than a friend and that I have nothing to worry about. Then she goes on about me and her that she really likes me but we both know that she leaves in 3 months and a long distance relationship, simply wont work.
So the conversation was like that for about an hour until. I thought about it for a while then messaged her back saying I find it really hard to hang out with her when I have such strong feelings and that I think it's a good idea if we don't see or talk to each other for a few weeks. She was pretty upset and did not want this to happen but said she understood.
So here I am now, wondering what I should do, we haven't really talked about being friends with benefits. All my friends say I should and that's what she is after... But after that night in bed with her I am not sure. She hasn't even said anything about being friends with benefits. I really like this girl and personally myself, from past experiences... having a friend with benefits who you really care for is just a disaster waiting to happen. I hae strong feelings for her and being friends with benefits will most likely make them feelings stronger and in 3 months time or if she sleeps with another guy I will be heart broken and it will most likely end with us not talking at all. Not only that, something I have forgot to mention. The first guy I mentioned A, apparently she slept with him. However it is his word against hers. He said he did and she promised me she did not. Either way it doesn't matter that much... It's just a bit weird that's all.
I do not want to loose this girl as a friend. I want to be able to talk to her even when shes back in France, I want her to be comfortable with us so she can come back here to see her friends that she had made here etc...
So really the situation is that we both are really into each other but we both know a relationship is not going to work. But we are constantly talking, flirting and giving each other compliments. One day she will be hugging me and kissing me then the next she won't do anything and if I make a move she says no, we are friends. A lot of people are saying shes an attention seeker.
So what do people think I should do? Ask her if we can be friends with benefits, risk the friendship we have? or stick to my idea, do not talk or see each other for a while until my feelings MIGHT go away. But maybe when I see her again in a few weeks I might still have feelings... or should I just accept we are friends and hangout out with her with the chance she probably will flirt with D again or someone else and play jealousy games in front of me and suck up the feelings I have for her and try and be myself around her. which is incredibly hard for some reason as every time I see her I just want to go up to her and kiss her and spend the night with her etc...
Sorry for this incredibly long post... My mind is like a beehive at the moment... Thoughts flying around my head left, right and center.
Thank you so much if you have took your time to read this far and thank you again if you reply.
