unrequited love, she now has a bf
alright, well i'm new to this forum (just to clarify that) and i've been searching help for this dilemma that has been rendering me since the end of may. im going to tell the whole tale of my adventure in this just so it'll be more understandable.
it was exactly a year ago (july 4 08') since i fell for my friend. i've known who she was since middle school but thought nothing of her until i actually became friends with her in high school. i remember come my freshman year, i had a little crush on her, but thought nothing much of it. she knew how i felt but then kind of gave me a let down. but i took it straightforward and didn't seem to care and moved on. and then fast forward to a year ago. spent a year in college and now enjoying our first college summer vacation. it was at our friends 4th of july party where me and her started to talk. i took it as flirting (cause she was blowing kisses at me etc.), but that's just me. we talked and talked and so on and it felt like we were clicking. i played her a song on the guitar, (a song that she really liked) and she seemed to be impressed.
so fast forward a couple of weeks into her birthday. i played her songs and wrote her letters and such, basically hinting how i feel about her(pretty sure anyone would've found it obvious if they saw how i acted with her). she accepts it with a smile and a compliment and i found that is the only way i can make her have that smile, by playing her favorite songs and basically being a noble gentlemen to her.
months and hangouts pass and all those times i played songs to her. then come january and i think it's where the mistake hits. i gave her a stuff animal of a cat, with a sign around it's neck saying: to me you're purrrrrfect (an inside joke referencing 'love actually') but where i made the mistake is that on the back of the sign i put in question, if she would want to go out with me. i should've known then that's is where i stepped in a trap. i know she read it but she never replied. i felt like crap for a while but then recovered by valentines day, where i surprised her at her apt. and all. she enjoyed that the most out of everything (as what she told me) but i knew what i was messing with. i knew cause she never replied to me asking her out, i couldn't ask her to be my valentine. so i only wished her a happy valentines day.
and then now fast forward to memorial day weekend. we hang out and have a good time. throughout the time period of feb-may, i was thinking of asking her out straight up (taking advice from friends) before she gets taken. so after we hang out (days later) i met up with her best friend. she knows i like her a lot and thinks we would probably be a good suit for each other. but she tells me not to ask her, i asked why and she said that she kind of has a boyfriend. as i heard that, i felt my heart drop down south, as i was in a slight shock. i don't know how long she has been seeing this guy but it definitely puzzles me.
she told me that she(the girl i like) was going to tell me the next time we hang out. so since the end of may i have been feeling like shit. like seriously sad. she got that hold on me that i couldn't explain. being with her was one of those points where i was truly happy. where even days after our hangouts, i'd reminisce and wished to go back and relive it. i know that sounds dumb but that's how i felt. i knew a lot of things that she didn't tell anyone else about her and it felt like we clicked. the thing that also brings to me is the fact that i liked her before but didn't think much of it, and now i like again. i never had a re-lapse when it came to liking someone. usually when i get shot down, i leave it at that and within time move on.
but she's different. i don't know if she is the one, nor do i think she'll ever be the one, but though i am hurting, i feel that she still is. i know that sounds foolish but im just going through the motions right now. i have been trying to ignore her on my defense of avoiding being hurt even more but it failed(by avoiding myspace/facebook/instant messaging).. there is still a part of me that is clinging on, and there's a part of me that saying **** you bitch. but i truly wouldn't ever hurt her in any way, but i seriously feel like i want the guilt to build up inside her. or at least a sudden realization of some sort, because i don't know if she feels guilty. apparently, from what i heard from people is that my mistake was that i was being TOO nice.
and an update, since i have been in NO CONTACT whatsoever with her, i was thinking of breaking the NC rule. but i feel it wouldn't change anything. and what makes the subject matter worst is that come thursday, we are all going to the beach(she shares the same friends as i do). i put not attending which though i am sure i might have to attend. and i feel it might be awkward and all or maybe it will bring me down even more because she might bring her bf. and i've seen pictures of them, he looks like a nice guy (not a douche like her previous bf's) but it makes me think that she might've just thought i wasn't good enough.
i have came to the conclusion that i should learn to get used to this. i mean i felt like this before with previous flings and that i realized i've been a lonely mess. with that said, i was always close but not quite.
any response will help. and sorry for this being long.
K an update from the beach
alright, so i did make a big mistake. that is, to go to the beach. i know some of you were saying not to go, but i still wanted to see her. i should always trust my first instinct (cause it was to not go). well what happened was, that when her and her best friend arrived, it was all whatever etc.... she gives hugs to everyone, and including me and such and then she kept talking about her bf. how they moved in with a group of friends,how he dj's and how he's successful and her big bro (frat college shit).. hearing all that just sucked. like seriously, i felt a tightening feeling at my chest. well also within that time i only talked to her when she spoke to me, rather whenever she needed something, i guess you can say. i then played the guitar at the bonfire and she enjoyed it. she asked me to play her "1234" but i didn't (me being jerkward). as we were packing up and leaving, i just felt like crap the whole day when i saw her, so i just felt like leaving abruptly. she then catches me by calling my name, but i didn't want to seem like there's nothing wrong (which i felt i should've spoken about it or completely ignored her calling) but as she did, she gave me a non-half-ass hug with her head resting on me (which she never really did). right after, i told her friend that i still have feelings for her and stuff and her friend was like"aww". and that summed the night.
it sucks cause at the bonfire, i played a song that i played for her on valentines day, she didn't even realize it. where as me and her friend were trying to refresh her memory.
even today was inevitable
haha...yeah, i should be more defensive on the count to only protect myself
today was uneventful. since you know, me and her share mutual friends (from high school at least) and so today our friend's band was playing. i honestly did not think she'd be coming because she would only go if more of our friends would go. so i went, with my friend and she ended up coming after. i didn't know she was coming, until i felt her tap my shoulder and said hi. she gave me a hug but she probably knew by the look on my face that something was wrong.
as the show ended we were outside hanging out. she then approaches me with a look of concern and so i talk to her. i asked her how was fishing (cause she fished after the bonfire yesterday) and she said she didn't enjoy it and such... i kind of just put small talk to her and only talk when it was at a moment where it was a direct thing to me. but what i feel is that whenever she is there, i get riled up with three emotions of lately: sad, happy, mad in certain ways. usually when im with her or when we hangout (just the two of us, i am usually happy and nervous).
i know it's just my anger talking but i seriously just want to tell her how i felt straight up. like everything, like all the nice things i did for her, how i act like a gentleman, and just trying to help her out with her so called "drama". i want to tell her that i don't want her to be missing out (though what do i know right?) on me and how i think she is stupid (in a lighter tone) for turning a good man down like that. all i know is if i do that, it'll change everything, but little does she know, that what's happening now is changing things as well. im sorry if i feel different to others opinion but it's just how i'll learn things. it's hard for me to move on when it comes to previous girls, and let me say this that my record in ever getting the girl is always close but never quite.
i don't want to sound cheesey or anything but what's been keeping me going is a fortune cookie i got on that eventful valentines day i had with her which stated: your persistence will pay off soon. i know my flaws, but keeping these flaws will help be better at this. i know i get hopefull, but perhaps all i know is time will help me to either get over it or time will somehow make an epiphany hit her to let her know how she could've made a big mistake.
im sorry if i am heading backwards, but just spilling out somethings i wanted to say. thank you for reading.