Need some help...caught between 2 men...

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22-05-09, 07:27 AM
pinstripechucks

Need some help...caught between 2 men...

I'm a gay guy and I recently got out of a 5 year relationship that was horrible. I just moved back home almost 4 months ago and this is my story...

About 3 weeks ago, I ended up talking with a guy, Dan, and we met under the presumption that we were just drinking buddies. Not meeting for the dating sense. We ended up fooling around the night we met and neither of us expected it to happen, but it happened and we had a lot of fun doing so. Since we weren't talking about dating, I kept my distance and happened to find Chris. When we started talking, he made it clear that he was looking to for someone to date, as was I, so when we met for coffee, it was under the presumption that we would get to know each other and possibly start a relationship. The day after I met Chris for the first time, I saw Dan again and the same as before, we went out for a couple beers and ended up fooling around afterwards. I then started spending a lot of time with Chris, getting to know him, letting him get to know me, the normal courting. We still haven't had sex because I told him I was afraid I would get hurt since I wanted an emotional relationship as opposed to a physical one. A week and a half after meeting Chris, we had already come to an agreement that we would just be friends since he wasn't in a position to start anything serious (he has to leave for a month and a half for his new job and wouldn't be able to see me until he gets back in mid July). Since that was established, I met Dan again and I told him, not in depth, about how excited I was about Chris. At this point, I was head over heals for Chris, but kept my distance to protect myself, and as was established with Chris, was still open to seeing other people. We weren't dating, so I had no commitment. Just as before, Dan and I fooled around again that night. Since I had no commitment towards Chris, I wasn't in the wrong (though it kind of sounds wrong). I saw Chris a couple more times after that, and all of a sudden, a third party who had talked with Chris and is friends with Dan decided to tell Dan the wrong story about my involvement with Chris. I ended up having Dan confront me about this situation because he felt like the "guy on the side." Basically like I'm cheating on Chris with Dan. He didn't appreciate this and that is more than understandable. I managed to talk to him about the situation and in turn, found out that the reason Dan took it so hard is because Dan has very strong feelings for me. This complicates everything. I do have feelings for Dan, but I have more feelings toward Chris. I don't want to loose Dan as a friend, and could possibly see the both of us starting a nice relationship later in life, but right now; I am more emotionally involved with Chris. This little issue goes as follows, I like Dan, but I like Chris more, Chris likes me, but Dan likes me more. I don't want to start anything with Dan because I'm thinking of Chris and I don't want to lie to Dan or myself and start something I'm not 100% into. At the same time, I don't want to start anything with Chris because I had all ready hurt Dan and I don't want to hurt him again and I don't want to loose him as a friend. They both know my feelings towards them, but I'm not quite sure how to let Dan know I'm emotionally attached with Chris and still have him as a friend. I want Chris, but don't want to loose a friendship in the process. I need a lot of advice; I'm in way over my head.

(The names have been changed by the way)
22-05-09, 07:38 AM
Yggdrasil

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinstripechucks [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm a gay guy and I recently got out of a 5 year relationship that was horrible. I just moved back home almost 4 months ago and this is my story...
About 3 weeks ago, I ended up talking with a guy.

Since I regard any relation (heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual) as having equal value, I'll give you the same advice I'd give a heterosexual. And I am quite sure this applies to any kind of relation, be that hetero, bi or homo:

You just come out of a 5 year relation (horrible or not, doesn't matter). You've been single for almost 5 months (4 months + 3 weeks).

I suggest to stay single for at least a year, reflect on your life, what you want from a relation, how you see your future, improve yourself on a personal level and give yourself time to heal.

If you are not going to give yourself enough time between relations, you're heading for a rebound, just like in any other person runs that risk.

What applies to heterosexual relations, applies just as well to homosexual relations.

Hope this helps.
22-05-09, 07:47 AM
pinstripechucks

i have been single from the guy sinse april of '08, i just finally moved away from him a few months ago. I completely understand and appreciate your advice. I am planning to wait, but I'm just nervous that the opportunities won't be there.
22-05-09, 07:56 AM
Yggdrasil

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinstripechucks [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i have been single from the guy sinse april of '08, i just finally moved away from him a few months ago.

IC. Ok that makes the timeframe a bit longer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinstripechucks [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I completely understand and appreciate your advice. I am planning to wait, but I'm just nervous that the opportunities won't be there.

There are always opportunities. Don't fool yourself into thinking there aren't going to be any. Do yourself a favour and don't rush into things because you are afraid you won't find a worthy partner or you won't have future opportunities.

I am quite sure, that you want a healthy, loving relation, just like anybody else. So, take your time, be picky, have clear expectations about what you want from a relation. Basicaly, the same advice that would be given to heterosexual relations.

It's never good to rush into things. Why don't you tell both guys that you need some time alone to reflect on this and once you figured out what's best for you, go from there?

Just like in any other relation, honesty is the best way.

Just my 2 cents.
22-05-09, 10:07 PM
Juristhea

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yggdrasil [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Since I regard any relation (heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual) as having equal value, I'll give you the same advice I'd give a heterosexual. And I am quite sure this applies to any kind of relation, be that hetero, bi or homo:

You just come out of a 5 year relation (horrible or not, doesn't matter). You've been single for almost 5 months (4 months + 3 weeks).

I suggest to stay single for at least a year, reflect on your life, what you want from a relation, how you see your future, improve yourself on a personal level and give yourself time to heal.

If you are not going to give yourself enough time between relations, you're heading for a rebound, just like in any other person runs that risk.

What applies to heterosexual relations, applies just as well to homosexual relations.

Hope this helps.

I agree with Yggdrassil and in your situation, juggling between two partners, it's best to stay single for a while.

Your judgment is completely clouded after your last breakup and it has scarred you and you're still not healed yet. You are after the companionship that you were accustomed to back to when you were still in a relationship and these 2 just happened to provide it for you.

These 2 happen to be your REBOUND.
22-05-09, 10:19 PM
Yggdrasil

:emot66:

Juristhea,

I give you the thumbs up for being non-judgemental and unbiased by looking at the problem as a relationship problem, regardless of the nature of the relation.

That is something I strongly encourage.