I love her but does she love him?
Ok, so this is going to be quite long, but I really need some advice, so if anyome has any, please read through and post. Let me start off by saying that I am a male who's nearing 20 and engaged to a bautiful woman. She's one year older than I, and we've been together for 6 years, engaged for 4. We've never ever had an issue before with trust before. I had never gotten seriously jealous for more than a minute and niether did she. As of today, we've been battling just that for more than just a few months. It all started with me basically forcing the idea in that we needed to be more open, watching porn, maybe experimenting with a third in the bedroom and so on. We talked and talked, all the while we weren't having sex because she wasn't on the pill and we're only confident when using at least 2 methods like the condom and pill. So we would talk about all this, and her more than me would always be like, "I'm mostly excited to just have sex with you." Believe me, I was just as excited to have sex with her as well, but I think too much talking/ porn had my mind clouded as to what was real and what would really happen if we followed through with our convos. She never seemed as excited as I was, but we kept talking, because after reading so much online, we thought it might actually be good for our relationship, not that anything was wrong. We just tried telling ourselves sex was nothing but a feeling. It started with porn, to "learn new things". We sat down and took note of what we liked, but she would insist, even though iwould disagree with her, that penises arn't sexy, and especially in porn, they don't get her going. The notes were the only helpful thing we did. And after that we told ourselves we must be on the right track. I started asking questions and forcing the idea in of who we would actually do something with if we got the chance. Everyone got mentioned as a possibility, ranging from "should we find one online, or go with firends?" While discussing friends, of course the inevitable question came up, who would we pick. I brought up all her firends and she brought up all mine. It was just a discussion and at the time we both felt extremely jealous but didn't voice it. Through all of this, we were both jealous but never voiced it. Anyway, I became very jealous when my friends were mentioned, we'll call the main one, John. Before all of this in an unrelated note, she had had a sex dream with this guy, but it wasn't romantic and she told me because of how disgusted she was. This was before the talks. She said the dream was just a boring Sex dream where it was just staring up and it was extremely wierd having his face there, but no other images of him naked were there, she never even saw the bottom half. She's had these dreams before with my other friends before and its natural, I know, that's why I don't see why it would make me jealous. I know they have nothing to do with sex and I also know how the sex dreams go when its me in her dreams, which really is about every other night. But nonetheless, the dream came to mind when his name was mentioned. But as I painted vivid pictures of this guy naked and/or involved, she cringed, felt disgusted and asked to change the topic because she didn't wanna think of him like that because he's her friend and only a friend and he's also not very sexually appealing.
Later on, this all evolved into pointing people out on the street together. I was extremely jealous, and talking later revealed she was irate with jealousy too. We ended up, not knowing how jealous the other one was, coming up to each other on the same day and deciding we'd taken a wrong path and decided to turn away before we actually did something.
That's the background info, now this is where the problems seem to start. Have any of you ever had stupid thoughts run through your head when your mad? Like " man I wouldn't get like this if I was with so-and-so", but then 2 seconds later realize what u said and take it back because u realize how untrue it is? Well I'll term that as spiteful thinking to make things easier. Well I would get that for a while and I never said anything about it because I realized what I had done. I had simply reassured myself that iwas in a great relationship, because those thoughts would make me drop my anger and cherish what ihave. I'd realize within seconds how stupid I was being. Turns out she did this too, and after talking about it forever, it came out that she was thinking the exact same as me for those 5 pissy seconds. But, she had never done it before, so it was wierd, but she had the same resolution I did. "I'm in a great relationship because of how those thought actually make me feel; shitty. And thoughts of my fiance are amazing!" So none of this was talked over for a while because it wasn't a problem in either of our heads. But then the grillout came. It was just me, her, and john by the grill outside. Before we picked him up, her and I had been in a little argument. See by this point, I was really really jealous of john, although I had no reason to be, and I would accuse her of many stupid things like liking him or wanting him or stupid stuff like that. By this time, btw, her and I were having some of the best sex of our lives, having waited so long for medicare to kick through so she could get on the pill again. So anywho, we're on the way and here I am berating her, but not like in an avusive way. I don't want to be misunderstood, just basic insecurty questions like, "would u ever date him" and whatnot. She said no to that and all my other questions and tried tomake it obvious that she only ever wanted me.
So we pick john up and the atmosphere is a quite tense between susan and me, but john didn't notice. We get to our place and I go park the car while she and john head upstairs. I was so jealous, I held my ears to the door before I walked in, but they were just talking about me and susan, so no worry there. Well the night passes and she was by my side the whole night, so there was nothing to worry about right? Kinda. The next week I felt real jealous, but had kinda died down on the berating. We had been recently talking about marriage and how we could finally set a date now that fafsa wouldn't be affected by our marraige. But I have a bad dream about them running off together, and so I voice it to her. She seemed real taken aback, but assured me that would never happen. The next day though, I was talking about that dream some more and asking her questions. She then revealed to me that when I told her about my dream she was freaked, cuz she thought she saw john making the moves on her.talking later revealed that the look she got I've gotten from him before too and it really does look like a wierd come on sorta look, so I could inderstand why she thought that.
This is where the actual problem persists. When she told me, I kinda flipped that she had texted him without me knowing. She had asked him"we're just friends right?". He sent a big long text basically saying ya, I respect your'alls relationship woth a high honor, and I don't want to **** things up. She said thank you. When she told me about all this a few things were said. She accidentally said she had a crush on him. Turns out she was referring to those spiteful feelings, because she thought shehad somehow caused all of this by subconciously portraying something to him she didn't wanna portray. I asked her definition of crush and she said, "thinking of a relationship other than ours and being happy even for a second". Now that truly differs from my definition which is "thinking about somone constantly, ad wanting to know all about that other person in entirety. I looked up signs of a crush and as she looked through them, none of them matched him, but they all matched her feelings towards me.she said that when she said" crush" she knew it was the wrong word to describe those spiteful feelings, but for lack of a better term, that's what she deemed it. She never thought the word crush meant what I said it meant, because that was the definition of love, and she knew she loved me and she knew she didn't love john. I should be happy with that right? Now I'm laying this out mixed in with our convos after the fight and our comments during the fight. Make no mistake, there were alotta tears everywhere. When I asked if she had feelings for him, she nodded her head, but with real hesitancy, and started crying. Later on, asking her about that, she said she was in such a sad state and thought we were going to end that she said it to hurt herself and she knew it was a lie when she said it. But it's stuck in my head for some reason now a month or 2 later.
To me, after all the talking we have done, it seems like this was one huge miscommunication that only caused jealousy because jealousy was already there. It seems like I thought she was into him, and she thought he as into her, but she said she never thought she was into him. For some reason though, after all this, I still feel the need to berate her with questions. I know I'm crazy, but I just need to hear it from more people. I know I basically did this to myself, and I take account for that. But even though I did this to myself, I don't want to turn out like my abusive father, because this is the kind of berating he's put my mom through for 20 odd years, and it has led to physical violence between my parents before. Please help me fix my mind so I can steer clear of that road and just live, and love like we dud in the not to distant past. Things are great now, but I just want to stop feeling the need to accuse and ask qequestions. Can you women relate to her? It doesn't sound like she's got the hots for my friend right? Thanks you so much!
