I love my flatmate, but can I tell her? My heart is breaking.

Hi,

I'm not very experienced with women, I've only had a couple of girlfriends and I'm 24. I'm having some trouble with my flatmate.

We live in a flat of 5 people, all students, for 6 months now. She's in the room next door to me.

I'm in love with her, but she's different to any girl I've asked out before. We're pretty good friends, we're always laughing and joking together and we go out a lot together with the rest of the flatmates.

When we met she had a boyfriend but they split up a couple of months ago and she's single.

About a month ago we were just hanging out and going to Starbucks and the movies, just the two of us. I told her that I think she's my favourite flatmate, she's funny and exciting and the flat wouldn't be the same without her. She blushed a little and I left if at that. Last week we were going out for a drink together and she told me I was her favourite person in the flat and she can connect and open up to me. I'm the only person she can have a serious conversation with.

We're always flirting with each other as well. It doesn't seem to go anywhere though, it just seems like a bit of fun despite me laying it on pretty heavy sometimes.

When we talk about relationships, she always compliments me but says she thinks I lack confidence a little and that's my problem with girls.

The most annoying aspect of this is that I think she loved me when we moved in together as she was obviously trying to ask me out a couple of times. At the time I just let it go as I wasn't in love with her and I thought it would be a mistake to date a girl in the same flat who lives next door to me.

I've always tried to deny my feelings for her for that reason. But the last few months I know I've fallen in love with her, I just think to much has gone on and we're too close now for me to ask her out.

She's really out to get a boyfriend though now. When we go out, she tends to just leave the group alone for half the night and talk to strange guys. Last week she hooked up with some guy.

That's my problem. I was wakened up with the sounds of them having sex next door. I was mortified. The next day, I just tried to play it cool with her and had a laugh about her bringing someone home. I even said I was glad she had found someone and could be happy.

She said she didn't have sex with him, despite having obvious love bites. She said it was an awful mistake and she's “so screwed” and doesn't know how to get out of the situation. She said she's meeting the guy on Thursday though. And she began flirting with me again!

So there it is. I've obviously been very stupid and should have been more confident and bolder and asked her out already. But what should I do now? And how should I do it?

Thanks,
Andy

Hi Andy, it seems like this girl has been letting off some steam and having a bit of fun after just coming out of a relationship- which most people do! If she seems ready to be in another one, you need to be 100% sure she's not still in rebound or it won't work out in the first place. I think no matter what happens, if your feelings are making you very unhappy and tearing you apart, you must do something. She used to have strong feelings for you, and those don't just disappear and you know you get on. She may be holding back flirting as she has no reason to think you want more than friendship as when she was asking you out in the beginning you didn't want her.
I think you need to talk to her about your feelings and tell her you want to be more than friends- maybe dont jump too deep and tell her you love her though. The way I see it if she says she feels the same its win win, if she says she doesnt feel the same, your friendship should be strong enough to carry on. As long as you can move on theres no reason to lose a best friend, it doesnt have to be all or nothing.
good luck x

thanks for the advice. At the end of the day, if she's not into me then I think I can get over this and be good friends with her, but if she is then I think it could be really good. It's the not knowing that's prolonging this.

Also, the lease on the flat is coming up in 3 months and she's planning on moving in with her brother.

I was thinking of taking her to the movies, just me and her (I know she'll agree) and just saying something like "do you think we'd make a good couple?" to get the ball rolling. I'll ask her about her flirting, and just make sure she knows that if she's serious so am I. If not then, I didn't want us to get our wires crossed.

If she stops flirting with me then that's fine. We can be good friends or lovers, but not this in-between thing.

I think living with a girl brings a lot of sexual tension anyway. I need to take it to the next level or leave such feelings behind.

Don't assume that she used to have feelings with you. If they are attracted to a guy, most girls will like and be flirty with when they first meet them, but when they get to know them they the guy can lose that new, mysterious appeal to them. Girls have guys coming at them all the time, they tend to be very picky.

Maybe you are kicking yourself for not acting sooner, but you can't help that's it's already passed and it's probably a good thing. Would you have wanted to be a rebound with her and who knows how you would have worked out in that situation, being a roommate and all? Some time was probably a good thing so take some peace of mind in that.

It's difficult to say if she has feelings for you, but the fact that she is lying or coming out with explanations for what she did with the other guy (and complaining about him too) is a plus which means she has been thinking about keeping you as a option. The other guy isn't totally in yet metaphorically even if he is physically. I say go for it, and if she shoots you down, that's fine, don't take it too hard.

That's when you let it go, and when they don't work out, I bet she'll see you in a whole new light when you aren't chasing her or laying it on thick for her anymore.