Will her feelings ever come back? Any help is greatly appreciated

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07-08-04, 03:48 AM
Soccer2928

Will her feelings ever come back? Any help is greatly appreciated

Hello everyone. First, I would like to thank anyone who reads this and hopefully comments; I greatly appreciate it. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me a little over two months ago. We had our problems, including some short break-ups, like many relationships, but we both truly did love and care about each other. In fact, we both thought that we would get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I was her first love, and although I made a few mistakes, I was always there for her no matter what, and for some time I was pretty much the only person in her life that supported her and was there for her (We go to college near each other, and in the beginning she had trouble adjusting so I was pretty much everything she had). Our relationship ended because we became too comfortable with one another, and I think that we both began to take each other for granted. My ex said that she wanted to see what else was out there and not be tied down in a relationship. She said she wanted to see what it was like to be on her own and have the opportunity to date other guys. She has dated a couple of guys but they have both not treated her well, and things have not gone well with them. I have tried to be there for her as a friend, but it is often too hard and we end up fighting because I bring up us being together and that is not what she wants right now. We fluctuate from talking and non-talking, and being friends and not being friends, and the situation right now is just really stressful (as a matter of fact, right now we are working on being friends, and we are talking). Recently, my ex told me that she will always love and care about me because I am her first love, but she no longer has feelings for me, the kind of feelings that were there when we were together. I find it hard to believe that she no longer has feelings for me because I know that I was a great boyfriend, and I always treated her well. Also, whenever I bring up potential dates, she seems a bit jealous and although she won't admit this, it seems pretty obvious to me. She attributes this to the fact that it will be hard for her if I find someone while she will have no one (as I have stated before, the guys she has dated have been complete jerks). This situation is just very hard on me because in my heart I believe that my ex and I are meant to be together. I am finding it very difficult dealing with all of this because for the longest time we were always together, and I know how much that I love and care about her. I know that there is nothing I can do to make her change her mind or make her feelings come back, but is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation that can give me some advice? I have had a few friends who have gone through similar situations with some positive results, and I would just really appreciate any encouragement. Also, is it a good idea to give her some space so she can really see what it's like to be on her own (the longest we have gone without talking is only like 4 or 5 days)? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!
07-08-04, 11:29 AM
RogerPodacter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soccer2928

Hello everyone. First, I would like to thank anyone who reads this and hopefully comments; I greatly appreciate it. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me a little over two months ago. We had our problems, including some short break-ups, like many relationships, but we both truly did love and care about each other. In fact, we both thought that we would get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I was her first love, and although I made a few mistakes, I was always there for her no matter what, and for some time I was pretty much the only person in her life that supported her and was there for her (We go to college near each other, and in the beginning she had trouble adjusting so I was pretty much everything she had). Our relationship ended because we became too comfortable with one another, and I think that we both began to take each other for granted. My ex said that she wanted to see what else was out there and not be tied down in a relationship. She said she wanted to see what it was like to be on her own and have the opportunity to date other guys. She has dated a couple of guys but they have both not treated her well, and things have not gone well with them. I have tried to be there for her as a friend, but it is often too hard and we end up fighting because I bring up us being together and that is not what she wants right now. We fluctuate from talking and non-talking, and being friends and not being friends, and the situation right now is just really stressful (as a matter of fact, right now we are working on being friends, and we are talking). Recently, my ex told me that she will always love and care about me because I am her first love, but she no longer has feelings for me, the kind of feelings that were there when we were together. I find it hard to believe that she no longer has feelings for me because I know that I was a great boyfriend, and I always treated her well. Also, whenever I bring up potential dates, she seems a bit jealous and although she won't admit this, it seems pretty obvious to me. She attributes this to the fact that it will be hard for her if I find someone while she will have no one (as I have stated before, the guys she has dated have been complete jerks). This situation is just very hard on me because in my heart I believe that my ex and I are meant to be together. I am finding it very difficult dealing with all of this because for the longest time we were always together, and I know how much that I love and care about her. I know that there is nothing I can do to make her change her mind or make her feelings come back, but is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation that can give me some advice? I have had a few friends who have gone through similar situations with some positive results, and I would just really appreciate any encouragement. Also, is it a good idea to give her some space so she can really see what it's like to be on her own (the longest we have gone without talking is only like 4 or 5 days)? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

Hey man, this is my first post as well (I am gonna make an introductory post about my break up). But i am pretty much in the same exact situation as you. About 5 months ago my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me, saying that she was unhappy and that she "needs to figure out what she wants in her life". She said that our relationship was becoming a "habit", and that she just wanted to hold onto that "kid" part of her life a little longer before really settling down, getting a house, marriage and kids, etc., but she insisted that the way she has felt about me is still there and that we will eventually get back together, she just needs this year make sure about the "forever" thing with me.

Within 2 weeks of our "break" she hooked up with some dude that has like her for years, but she claimed that she had absolutely no intentions of pursuing him seriously. I did everything that you arent supposed to do to make a girl want you, or want you back. Everytime we talked i always brought up "us" and what was going to happen. I came across as the weaker, desperate and unconfident guy, which is not attractive to women at all, even if you were together for 6 years. Hindsight is always 20-20. I wish i came to this forum back then for advice, cause i wouldnt have done some of the stupid things that drove her away.

Well 5 months later this guy is now sleeping at her place every night. She has moved on with him, and it hurts, it still really hurts a lot even after 5 months. All I can say is expect the worst but hope for the best. I know that isnt what you want to hear, but you should try to put it in your head that you guys are over forever, just in case things dont work out, you wont be as dissapointed. And no matter what dont call her at all. Act confident and like you are better off without her when you do talk. Its the only advice i can give you man. Good luck.
07-08-04, 12:10 PM
Anthony

I agree with the previous poster, the best thing you can do is expect nothing, try hard to move on with your life, and hope for the best. If she comes back, perhaps you two will be able to work things out; if not, you're free to find someone who will give you the commitment you're looking for.
07-08-04, 12:41 PM
Soccer2928

Quote:

Originally Posted by RogerPodacter

Hey man, this is my first post as well (I am gonna make an introductory post about my break up). But i am pretty much in the same exact situation as you. About 5 months ago my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me, saying that she was unhappy and that she "needs to figure out what she wants in her life". She said that our relationship was becoming a "habit", and that she just wanted to hold onto that "kid" part of her life a little longer before really settling down, getting a house, marriage and kids, etc., but she insisted that the way she has felt about me is still there and that we will eventually get back together, she just needs this year make sure about the "forever" thing with me.

Within 2 weeks of our "break" she hooked up with some dude that has like her for years, but she claimed that she had absolutely no intentions of pursuing him seriously. I did everything that you arent supposed to do to make a girl want you, or want you back. Everytime we talked i always brought up "us" and what was going to happen. I came across as the weaker, desperate and unconfident guy, which is not attractive to women at all, even if you were together for 6 years. Hindsight is always 20-20. I wish i came to this forum back then for advice, cause i wouldnt have done some of the stupid things that drove her away.

Well 5 months later this guy is now sleeping at her place every night. She has moved on with him, and it hurts, it still really hurts a lot even after 5 months. All I can say is expect the worst but hope for the best. I know that isnt what you want to hear, but you should try to put it in your head that you guys are over forever, just in case things dont work out, you wont be as dissapointed. And no matter what dont call her at all. Act confident and like you are better off without her when you do talk. Its the only advice i can give you man. Good luck.

Thank you very much for your response, and for sharing your own personal story. I am really sorry to hear about your situation, and I wish you the best of luck. I definitely understand what you are saying. I have pretty much come to the conclusion at this point that I need to stop bringing up us being together, which only makes things 100 times worse, and I really do need to move on. It has only been about 2 and a half months since we broke up, but based on what my ex has told me, I need to move on. In some of the other topics, people have mentioned that once they decided to move on then their ex came crawling back, and I'll keep that in the back of my mind, but I think moving on for my own sake and happiness is my best bet right now. Hopefully things will work out for the both of us, and I will make sure to keep you updated on my situation.
11-08-04, 04:22 AM
Soccer2928

I just wanted to update everyone on my situation, and perhaps get some insight into something. Well I took everyone's advice and reduced contact with my ex to a minimum. I told her that I wanted to be friends, and that I would always be there for her, and after that we had a nice short conversation. For the next few days we did not talk, and I felt comfortable with the situation. I leave my Instant Messanger on pretty much all day, the majority of time on away message, and after the few days of us not talking, my ex began sending me messanges while I was away. In the past week, she sent me about 3 or 4 without any response from me. They started off as short ("Just wanted to say hey"; "I hope your summer has been going well without me. Good luck with soccer this year, and have a great rest of the summer"), and just a few days ago she sent me one that said "Hey, I just wanted to see how you are doing. If we are friends then how come we don't talk that much anymore? Well, I hope everything is fine." After this message I felt kind of bad for ignoring her so I decided to talk to her. We had a nice short conversation again, and I tried to end it by saying that I was exhausted and I wanted to go to sleep. She said that was fine but she wished we could talk some more. So I continued to talk to her, and she said some pretty interesting things in my mind. Back at college, we often spent the weekends together and didn't really go out and party that much. Well now that we are broken up she asked me what I was going to do on the weekends. I told her I would probably hang out, and probably start partying. I asked her the same, and she said that she didn't know. She told me that she still pictures herself coming to my dorm and spending time with me. I was excited about that, but all I said was "haha" because I didn't know what that meant. The conversation then turned to dating other people, and when she asked me about girls at my school, I told her that there were a few that I would consider dating. I could definitely tell that she was jealous and upset by that, and that kind of encouraged me. Well shortly after I ended the conversation. We talked for a short while yesterday but nothing important came up, but when I came back home yesterday night, she had sent me another message that said something along the lines of "Have a good day tomorrow and hopefully I'll talk to you soon." Well, I don't want to make too much out of all of this, but does anyone have any insight into what she is saying? Do you think that maybe her feelings might be coming back now that she sees I am beginning to move on? I really would appreciate an outside opinion to this, and I just hope that I am not going crazy by all of this haha. Thank you in advance, and I will be sure to keep everyone updated about my situation.
11-08-04, 11:30 AM
Soccer2928

Quote:

Originally Posted by tooxshort

Personally, I'd wait it out until SHE tells you straight up that she wants you back. Do NOT make too much out of this. She might just be trying to be a friend. BUT she might also be remembering what she's missing out on. Stand your ground and keep doing what you've been doing. Keep chuggin' forward. I mean, she might be more drawn to you because you're not acting like you're so into her, so don't start calling/running to her just yet. Make her feel like she lost you this time. And maybe you'll be able to bring that person she fell in love with back into the picture.

Thank you very much for the advice, and I am definitely going to take you up on it. I no longer feel like I have to bring up us being together, in fact it hasn't even crossed my mind while me and her have continued talking, and I am going to continue to let her talk to me first. I'm not trying to make too much out of everything she said, but the things she has said recently are a lot more positive than what she has previously said and done. I am beginning to find each day easier and easier, and my mind tends to think of other things now, so I know that I am progressing. Thanks again for the advice.
11-08-04, 04:23 PM
Anthony

Although I don't believe it was done deliberately, if there is one thing I could sincerely suggest after reading your last post, its that you don't try to encourage someone to come back to you by enticing jealousy.

I've unfortunately seen far too many relationships in which the person may have indeed returned because of jealousy and "arm-twisting", but the majority of those relationships are later plagued by disloyalty and tend to end in a worse state than the previous break-up.
12-08-04, 07:52 AM
RogerPodacter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soccer2928

Thank you very much for the advice, and I am definitely going to take you up on it. I no longer feel like I have to bring up us being together, in fact it hasn't even crossed my mind while me and her have continued talking, and I am going to continue to let her talk to me first. I'm not trying to make too much out of everything she said, but the things she has said recently are a lot more positive than what she has previously said and done. I am beginning to find each day easier and easier, and my mind tends to think of other things now, so I know that I am progressing. Thanks again for the advice.

Damn Soccer, I feel like you are in my situation when my ex first split, and you have the opportunity to do exactly what i didnt do and possibly make things happen the right way.

I know in my situation me and my girl were together for 6 years and in the end 6 months wanted to live with me twice. And we also talked about marriage occasionally. So when she suddenly didnt know what she wanted in her life - and was suddenly hooking up with another guy - it was hard for me to believe that she was being honest with me and wasnt just hooking up with him "at my expense". She only told me about him because in an emotional phone conversation i told her about a crush that i had on someone i work with. I took it really, really hard, and for weeks she told me (numerous times) that she never wanted me to know about him, and that she never should have told me. That implies that she didnt want or expect to move on with him and this guy could have easily just stayed a fling (which is all it was to her at first). And even though this other guy is head over heels for her and has had a crush on my ex for years, when she talked with him about their "relationship" (by the way, the first thing she told him before they started hooking up was that she still loves me and always will love me, but we are just gonna take a little "break"), he said that he would be fine and get over her if she were ever to end it. For the first few months he would always tell her that any day he is expecting her to say "that's it, going back with ex now". He was very unassuming, which apparently was attractive to her. All the while i just kept pushing her away further because i couldnt just have a conversation with her without talking about us and the future.

My point is that its the best advice in these types of situations. Watcing my 6 year relationship get flushed down the toilet is a perfect example.
12-08-04, 02:37 PM
Soccer2928

Did I do the right thing?

Hello again. So continuing today I tried to keep my distance from ex and avoid talking to her but earlier tonight she sent me an IM that said something along the lines of "I wish you were a bigger part of my life (I assume as a friend). I feel like we are no longer involved in each other's lives, and I have no idea what is happening or going on in your life." I again felt bad so I decided to call her. We talked for a while, and basically I want to know if I did the right thing. On the phone, my ex basically laid a guilt trip on me. She told me that she has had a miserable summer, and that she has been so lonely. The guys she has tried to date have all been jerks, and she has pretty much no one but her family in her life right now. I told her that I was sorry, and that I am sure she will find someone worthwhile. While she was telling me all of this she began to cry. For the majority of the conversation I kept trying to encourage her and tell her what a wonderful and special person she is (because I truly do believe that). She said it was nice of me to say those things but she really didn't believe them (She said she believed that I was being honest and I wasn't lying to her, but she doesn't feel that way about herself). I kept saying those things, and we basically ended the conversation with me saying that I will always be here for her and that I hope she realizes what a great person she is. So did I do the right thing? I didn't bring up us being together, which was a huge problem in the past, and I was there for her as a friend. Please someone help me, because I need advice on this and also on what to do in the future. Thank you in advance.
12-08-04, 03:00 PM
Anthony

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soccer2928

So did I do the right thing? I didn't bring up us being together, which was a huge problem in the past, and I was there for her as a friend.

I can understand that it would be difficult having her only as a friend, given your previous long-term relationship. Instead of using the situation to try and influence her into returning to you as a significant-other (assuming that is something you would like to see happen in the future) when she was obviously lonely and having a difficult time with her life, you were very supportive and encouraged her to keep true to her desire of exploring the possibility of dating other people.

I wouldn't consider what she said to be a guilt-trip, but in my personal opinion, your responses were definitely commendable.
13-08-04, 10:04 AM
RogerPodacter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soccer2928

Hello again. So continuing today I tried to keep my distance from ex and avoid talking to her but earlier tonight she sent me an IM that said something along the lines of "I wish you were a bigger part of my life (I assume as a friend). I feel like we are no longer involved in each other's lives, and I have no idea what is happening or going on in your life." I again felt bad so I decided to call her. We talked for a while, and basically I want to know if I did the right thing. On the phone, my ex basically laid a guilt trip on me. She told me that she has had a miserable summer, and that she has been so lonely. The guys she has tried to date have all been jerks, and she has pretty much no one but her family in her life right now. I told her that I was sorry, and that I am sure she will find someone worthwhile. While she was telling me all of this she began to cry. For the majority of the conversation I kept trying to encourage her and tell her what a wonderful and special person she is (because I truly do believe that). She said it was nice of me to say those things but she really didn't believe them (She said she believed that I was being honest and I wasn't lying to her, but she doesn't feel that way about herself). I kept saying those things, and we basically ended the conversation with me saying that I will always be here for her and that I hope she realizes what a great person she is. So did I do the right thing? I didn't bring up us being together, which was a huge problem in the past, and I was there for her as a friend. Please someone help me, because I need advice on this and also on what to do in the future. Thank you in advance.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing, or that you at least didnt do anything that would make things worse between you two. Actually it might have helped. In a way its good to make her feel good about herself, which what you said should do. Thats what my ex claims this other guy does to her, she likes the way he makes her feel. Meanwhile she didnt enjoy talking to me because of what i would always bring up. As long as you dont talk about "you guys".I dont think you did anything wrong in that situation. I'll tell you what though, and i'm sure you know this, but it is hard as f*cking hell being friends with her when she isnt yours. At least your ex is trying to date and be free. Mine jumped right into a serious relationship, which made it almost unbearable for me to think about or talk to her.

I havent called or talked to her at all for weeks now, and she now has recently started calling me more. but i still dont answer the phone. Maybe the "moving on" theory really does work...
13-08-04, 02:08 PM
Soccer2928

Another update on my situation. I talked to my ex again tonight, and our conversation led to dating other people. I mentioned a girl at school that I could potentially see myself with, and when I brought this up, my ex got extremely upset. I really wasn't trying to make her jealous or upset, it was just a part of the conversation we were having. Well this turned into a big argument. I couldn't understand why she was getting upset because I felt that I hadn't done anything wrong, and we had talked about dating other people before without arguing. Well it turns out that she still loves me. I don't remember her exact words but she said something like, "I still love you ok, that's why I get so upset when you mention dating other girls and stuff." I was shocked that she admitted this to me even though I thought this all along, and I didn't know what to do at first. I called her after she told me this, and she was crying. I told her that I was sorry for bringing that up and I didn't mean to make her jealous. I asked her what she meant by "she still loves me", and she said she didn't know. She said she knows for sure that she will always love and care about me, but she doesn't know if she loves me and wants me as a boyfriend. I told her to think about it, take as much time as she needed, and to remember that whatever she decides (get back together, remain just friends, or not even be friends) that I will always love and care about her, and I would always be there for her. She said that she would think about things, and until everything is settled, we aren't going to talk. I think that even if we don't get back together I will be ok, but I am hoping that we do get back together because I still do love and care about her more than anything.
14-08-04, 12:58 AM
RogerPodacter

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soccer2928

Another update on my situation. I talked to my ex again tonight, and our conversation led to dating other people. I mentioned a girl at school that I could potentially see myself with, and when I brought this up, my ex got extremely upset. I really wasn't trying to make her jealous or upset, it was just a part of the conversation we were having. Well this turned into a big argument. I couldn't understand why she was getting upset because I felt that I hadn't done anything wrong, and we had talked about dating other people before without arguing. Well it turns out that she still loves me. I don't remember her exact words but she said something like, "I still love you ok, that's why I get so upset when you mention dating other girls and stuff." I was shocked that she admitted this to me even though I thought this all along, and I didn't know what to do at first. I called her after she told me this, and she was crying. I told her that I was sorry for bringing that up and I didn't mean to make her jealous. I asked her what she meant by "she still loves me", and she said she didn't know. She said she knows for sure that she will always love and care about me, but she doesn't know if she loves me and wants me as a boyfriend. I told her to think about it, take as much time as she needed, and to remember that whatever she decides (get back together, remain just friends, or not even be friends) that I will always love and care about her, and I would always be there for her. She said that she would think about things, and until everything is settled, we aren't going to talk. I think that even if we don't get back together I will be ok, but I am hoping that we do get back together because I still do love and care about her more than anything.

Sounds like you arent in too bad of a situation with your ex, at least better than my situation. The fact that she gets upset by the thought of you dating another girl is a good sign. But conversely, the fact that she is saying that she still loves you, but doesnt know if she has those "in love" feelings for you anymore isnt a good sign. It kinda like either you are in love with someone and want to be with them, or not. And "i dont know" isnt a yes, but it also isnt a definite no either. Sorry, i dont mean to make you feel worse and start pondering things again.

I saw my ex almost 4 weeks ago now, and that was the first time we had seen each other in quite a while. I told her that i still loved her, and she said she still loved me as well, and that she did miss me. But she certainly didnt seem like she was as warm and sincere as when we were together, which it shouldnt be like, i guess. i just dont know how girls can suddenly turn off their feelings, cause i cant.

My ex knows about this chick that i have a big crush on at work. And after we split we were talking about it, and she doesnt get upset by the thought of me with someone. She flat out told me to move on with her, and that maybe this other girl is what i have been looking for all along in a relationship. I wasnt trying to make her jealous, but it would have felt good if it did. For a while it sucked to hear her tell me to move on, but i got tired of being a sap over her, and i finally started to realize that A) she wanted time apart FROM ME, B) she's needs to find what makes HER happy, and C) she's doing that with another person. Why the hell should even want to be with her after all this, ESPECIALLY after 6 years together. I can honestly say that i am finally pretty much fine with everything, and with moving on:)
16-08-04, 03:28 AM
nendo

i say don't loss contact with her. or reduce it. realy whats the point in not talking to someone who u just dumped. that just gives the impression u don't have any feelings fo her atall. might even get the impression u hate her when u clearly don't
16-08-04, 05:48 AM
Soccer2928

Quote:

Originally Posted by nendo

i say don't loss contact with her. or reduce it. realy whats the point in not talking to someone who u just dumped. that just gives the impression u don't have any feelings fo her atall. might even get the impression u hate her when u clearly don't

I wasn't the one who dumped her, she broke up with me. For the longest time I begged her to come back to me, and this only pushed her away from me. When I finally told her that I was moving on, then we started working on being friends. For a while, she told me that she no longer had feelings for me, and that she just wanted to be my friend. But recently, after we didn't talk on a regular basis and she saw that I had moved on, she told me that she still loved me. She said she knew for sure that she will always love and care about me because I was her first love and because of the history we have, but she doesn't know if she still loves me as a boyfriend. With that in mind, I told her to think about things and let me know what she decides. I think that it is a good idea if we don't talk right now because it gives her a chance to think about things without me bothering her, and it gives her a chance to miss me. And she knows that I still have feelings for her, and she certainly knows that I don't hate her because I told her that no matter what she decides (us getting back together, us being friends, or us not even being friends) that I will always love and care about her, and I will always be there for her no matter what. So it is now up to her to make up her mind and decide what she wants.

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