so confused...lost.. devastated
ill start off by saying everyone that ive talked to me about this says this just doesnt make any sense.
i may go on some run on sentences or repeat myself.. i do apologize in advance.
our backstory :
im 31 and she is 46.yes 15 years dif. you could never tell she is 46 tho. we were together for 4 years and 1 month. we actually met online.. she was 1 year out of a 10 year marriage and i was only 3 years out of a 7 year relationship. at 1st it was supposed to be purely physical. that part was great but there was much more than just a physical connection. we both knew it after our 1st night together.
we both worked during the day i got off 1 hr before her and worked near her apt. quickly it got to the point that i was seeing her almost every day. she gave me a key so i could just go to her apt after work instead of waiting around for her to get there. we enjoyed every minute together. we were so IN LOVE.
we have been through ALOT together. 6 months into our relationship i got fired. took me many months to find another job. this actually happend again and took me awhile to find another job that time also. she was very supportive of me. she had some very serious female issues and had to have surgery ( hysterectomy ) that was very tough for her and it was just me there for her.. all here family is out of state. but we got through it. so we had been through some stuff together.
after 8 months of me staying at her place with a suitcase basically.. we moved into an apartment together and really began to start out lives together. eventually we moved to a bigger better apartment. which is where im currently at.. but she is not :(
we were the same but opposite. we both liked the same stuff and both were loners per say. both have friends but 99% of the time we go to work. go home watch tv sleep do all over again. more of home bodies i guess would say. neither one of use are big drinkers or into the bar scenes. we were perfectly fine with just having eachother. but we are so opposite because id say im low/middle class.. and she is high class. like in every fashion of the word. she lived in super nice apartment. i lived in a bad part of town. she is in the professional field for 15 years now making 55-60 grand a year. ive work in the food service industry making maybe 15 or 16 grand if im lucky. she drives a brand new gas sipper car. i drive a gas guzzling old beat up 1995 sportscar. shes a shopoholic for clothes makeup shoes purses.. i got the same 2 pair of pants and 2 pairs of shorts for 3 years. ( she bought them for me ). she likes the house to stay clean and im the type of person that has no clue where anything is when its clean. im not a slob but i dont mind a few clothes on the floor.
i know alot of people wont admit they are the problem or admit what they did wrong. while we were together that is how i was. now that she is gone i can clearly see everything that i did wrong. our initial problems started after we were together about a year maybe a little less. i dont know WHY i did it. but i was back surfing the same website that we met on. she was devastated. i was very remorseful and sorry and promised i would never do it again and that nothing went past emails. but ofcourse that was always in the back of her mind. over the next 3 years my dumb ass did it again. i wanna say 3 times in total. the most recent was 3 weeks ago. 9 days after that she signed a new lease at another place. that was the last straw.
that was only part of it. i treated her so good at 1st but somewhere along the way i guess i got to comfortable and felt entitled to have her and not lucky. like i could say or do anything i wanted and she was going to stay with me. i do have a short temper and alot of times i have the mentality of its my way or the highway. there was very very very little physical abuse. but the verbal abuse was more common than it ever should be in any relationship. verbal abuse can actually be worse than physical abuse. i just spoke mean to her sometimes. or would get mad if didnt get it my way and make empty threats. i can realize all this now.. but at the time i was like. this is how all married couples are.( we werent married but definitely acted like it ).
another issue was with the new job i got it was working at night. she worked normal 9-5 and i left for work at 430 and got home late at night when she was either already in bed asleep or would be shortly after i got home. ive been at this job for like 2.5 years now. i know that wasnt good for our relationship. seeing each other like 15 min a day. so the issues we had were.. lack of time spent together because of opposite work schedule , i was verbally abusive at times.. and ofc the biggest issue was that i was caught several times surfing the online dating. i dont know why i did any of it.. the verbal or the online.
so now we start to get more details of whats going on and why im here.
3 weeks ago.. once again she caught me online. she flipped and told me to start looking for a new place to live.. that ive been given notice. we didnt talk for 3 days.. and then when we did i lied about everything and she knew it and that was all she could take. she started looking online for apartments.. she favorited them and i saw. i questioned her about it and she said just wanted to know what was out there. we still have 4 months on the lease here and its only her name on the lease. little did i know.. she wasnt just looking. she actually signed the lease to new apartment 9 days after i got caught online. which i know she did while she was still hurt and pissed at me. online was the feb. 15th.. she signed lease feb 24th. and i when i came home at liek 11pm from work on march 3rd i came home to a half full apartment.
while i was at work she moved. she took only the basics she needed. she left our brand new dinning room set recliner couches.. nice bedroom set. entertainment stand etc etc.. she left soo much behind.. some of this stuff is still being paid for.. all in her name. we have all utilities included but do pay cable/internet. also in her name. the value of all this stuff she left is probly close to 3 thousand dollars. all this was hers.. i came into this relationship with a few changes of clothes. she said she dont have no place for it and its not what she wants.. said she dont care what i do with it.. sell it or let the apartment people keep it.. bottom line she just walked away and left probly 60% of her stuff behind. then she spent several thousand $ more buying ALL NEW furniture for her new place. so she left all this behind bought all new stuff.. going to default on this lease and get taken to court ( she knows and dont care ) and will default on the cable and internet ( she has it provided where she is at ) so in the end this is probly going to cost her about 8 grand.
it would have been so easier for me to just leave. she said she told me to go and i refused.. which she did recently but i thought we were working past that. but really she had already found a place and for 2 weeks she put on a charade that nothing was going on. nothing changed between us our sex life was the same and i didnt get any hints of this coming. i walked in sunday night and almost had a heart attack.
because of my temper and threats i have made in the past.. she said she was scared and that is why she did this while i was at work. she thought i would freak out on her. but it was the exact opposite. i was devastated and crying and lost. my whole world had just been taken from me. this was the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. yes i know why didnt i treat her that way then.. I DONT KNOW. im regretting it sooo much now.
after 45 min of me begging her via text and voicemail for her to talk to me she did. the 1st thing she said was that she was sorry. she said i left her no choice that she felt trapped. and now she feels in control of her life again. she said she had all intentions of leaving and never looking back.. never talking to me ever again. she was starting her life over without me. but when she talked to me and she saw how this was effecting me and she realized how much i do care. she started thinking "well maybe" as in maybe we can work this out. she had no idea how much she meant to me.. i poured my heart out to her on the phone that night and the next day... we even skyped. tuesday just 2 days after she had me over to her new apartment.. again on wednesday and is supposed to come over here saturday.
we lived in the middle of the city. she moved 1 hr away out into the country.. she is renting a place on the back of the landlords property. its behind the landlords house. she has 1 parking spot in the driveway.. the landlords park in the 2 car garage and the daughter parks in the drive way also. the drive way is pretty big. at 1 spot it gets 3 wide and the other spots its 2 wide and u can probly park 5 cars behind each other before hit the road. there is no parking beside the road.. its a deep ditch on both sides. but her lease gives her 1 spot for parking. says nothing about guests and when she contacted the people she said she was a single woman looking for a place to live..so how does she go ask them where her boyfriend can park?
so when she had me come over tuesday and wednesday she had me meet her work which is open 24 hrs a day and has hundreds of cars in parking lot at a time. i left my car there and rode in here car to her apartment. it was very hard for me. we just kept driving further and further and further. the whole time im thinking. omg she is soo far way how can this ever work even if we both wanted it to. my job is 1 hr away. my son 1 hr away. if i come after work i wudnt get there until 1130/12.. when she lived 15 min from my work we didnt see each other much.
so sunday she leaves me tuesday im back with her. same thing wednesday. now she says she wants us to take this 1 day at a time. right now with my work hrs and her being so far im off wednesdays so right now that is what we agreed on.. i would come over every wednesday. both nights were very hard for me.. i was soo happy i was with her. but at the same time felt so alone because i was trying to think of how this can work.. i couldnt come up with anything.. we both are smart people and we both know it would be the easiest if we just quit. i know she will be happy without me.. maybe meet some1 else and be happy. i know there is a chance i can make her happy.. but that road is the hardest.
on the night she left like i said i was devastated. i mentioned that i couldnt even remember the last time she told me she loved me. she said it was over a year ago. i asked her if she did love me she said she does not. said she cares about me but does not love me and hasnt for a long time. after our 1st night back together .. the next morning when she took me back to my car i walked her to the door at her work and gave her a hug and a kiss and i said i love you so much. she shocked me and said i love you to. i dont recall exactly what i said something about if she meant it. she said she does. and i asked why did this have to happen for you to realize that. she broke down into tears and cried i dont know. at one point while i was at her apartment i asked he why am i here if she went through all this to get away from me. she said i was there because i needed her and she needed me.
we had planned to not see each other again until this weekend when she comes over to do laundry. but i asked her wednesday afternoon if i could come see her again. she said yes. it was like it was when we 1st met just... well besides the times i cried.. i had swings from depressed and crying to times when we just held eachother or she layed in my lap while i touched her head ( she loves that ). both nights we had great sex. best we had in a long time.
she says we ARE still together and she wants to take this one day at a time. she says she does want to be with me but doesnt want me to move in with her tomorrow. im at a loss of how this can work tho. im at a loss of how and why i am back at her new apartment 2 days after she just dropped sooo much $ and picked up and left because of me. it just defies all the rules.. its like a serial murderer not going to hell. how is this possible???
as the 1st sentence in the story states. this doesnt make any sense. ive talked to all my family they are being very supportive of me. they know i love her and they are not mad at her at all.. ive told them my wrong doings and that i know i didnt treat her right no1 blames her at all. BUT to her family she would probly be disowned if they found out that we saw eachother again. more less spent the night 2 nights in a row and have plans to try and work this out.
i even brought up couples theraphy. she said way too much $. i said if it dont cost you anything but your time will you go? she said yes almost instantly. ive checked on the prices.. it is very expensive 100-300 per session.. we could try to go to cheaper ones but they are only cheaper based off your income.. which would be me and her combined.. she makes alot so that wouldnt work. we do have another option of going to the psychology department of any college or university and getting FREE session with a student. they actually do that stuff often because the students need the real world expreience. but does that stuff even work? is our relationship a lost cause? why is she doing this? is she using me... to get over me?? like she thought could go cold turkey but cant.. so guna little by little distance herself. ive already tried to get more time with her.. im available some friday nights but she just wants wednesdays for now. says she needs some "me" time.
im so confused. what do i do? how should i feel? what should i expect?
sorry for the very long read. for those of you that did read it all im sure yall are just as confused as me.
