Need a listening ear

Hi i'm new to this forum, i see that this is a really good place for one to pour out their hearts. Well i'm really desperate, i broke up with my ex and its been a month. Previously i had a close buddy to confine to but due to national obligations he will only be able to see me on weekends.
We've spoken on the phone a couple times and i do admit i was still trying to change her mind. We have been together for 3 and a half years and i find it really hard to let her go. Especially when it was a peaceful break up. She claims she has no feelings for me anymore, however, i felt that she had failed to count her blessings. I'm not saying i was a great bf but I wasn't a bad one either, i just felt that she has forgotten my goodness and the reasons why we started in the first place.
I can see that she treats me only as a friend now, but i'm unable to do the same. In fact its hurts when she calls me by my name. I've also learned from our conversations that she now has a crush over some other guy. Its really killing me and i feel really helpless. I really don't know if it is worth it, should i continue trying in the process of putting myself in greater misery or just give up a 3 yr relationship.
I'm meeting her next week, i plan to dig up memories of our past, letters that we used to exchange and photos that we used to take. I want to point out to her that the man she loved so much 3 yrs ago is still the same man, to remind her why she choose me instead of others and why she loved me so deeply last time. If she flow tears of only guilt and tells me she has never loved me before then i've nothing left to say.
Mean while, i really don't know what else i can, could or should do....

If she claims she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, then I'm afraid no amount of bawling and photos and pleading is going to help you. Just because at one point you were both 'deeply' in love, it doesn't guarantee that will continue for ever. It could've been you that lost feelings for HER, but unfortunately it was the opposite and you are going to have to face facts. You are going to make yourself miserable and drive yourself insane if you stay in denial.

What you should do, is cut off all forms of contact with her for awhile so you can have some time to heal. Constantly calling her or seeing her is like picking a scab off a wound.....you're just going to cause yourself more pain and you have to start the healing process over again.

Good luck

Yea man, i feel for ya. I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. You have to come down to reality and accept the facts. Throwing memories in her face will change nothing. It may only make her feel crappy, and it def wont wake her want you back. There is only one thing (that i have found) that works. Its what blue said, "cut off all forms of contact." This doesnt have to be forever, but you have to be ok, and you wont ever be ok until you figure some things out on your own.


When I was in this situation, i would think of every reason why things changed. i.e. her new friends. social status. stress. I would think of every excuse, but ignore the obvious. In your case, the obvious is that she doesnt have feelings for you anymore. You may have been a great b/f, odds are there is nothing else you could have done. Accept it. I know its hard, but there isn't anything you can do right now to change the way she feels.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Glenn

i broke up with my ex and its been a month.

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If you broke up with her, why does it seem like you are trying to change HER mind? If the tables were turned, I totally can see where you are coming from, but I'm a little confused with that.

Reading the remainder of the post, I totally agree with everyone else. You need to cut contact completely. Meeting up with her may not be a bright idea, but if it's already planned, then your best bet is to NOT dig up photos, memories and whatnot. She knows what happened in the relationship so digging up memories will just make you appear weaker. If in fact, she broke up with you and the above was a mistype, then you need to be strong. Show her that you are doing well in life without her there. The more you beg, the more she will distance herself and know that this "new" guy she has a crush on will seem appealing. Leave her with a bit of charm, but don't let your guard down.

keepingsecret, myself, you and others have gone through the same thing. Start off fresh and don't show her that you NEED her, but let her know you still care about her. Attempt NO CONTACT and see how it goes. But before taking advice from anyone, understand these are suggestions and only you can decide for yourself what is best.

Keep in mind though, I'm under the assumption you are the dumpee. Reading the post made me feel this is the case, but if you are the dumper, I have a different viewpoint. Peace for now.

Cdoc

we should all write a book about the 'no contact' thing. we'd make bucks people.

damn i probably just gave a way a million dollar idea...

I know this is a tough time for you and I am sorry that you are going through this. Relationships consume the biggest parts of ourselves and when they don't go well it is hard to think of anything else.

It sounds like you are trying to create a plan to get her back. You're thinking that she has forgotten the good parts of your relationship and that if you remind her that it will all come back to her. This is a really nice thought and I am glad to see that you are thinking proactively, but this will not work.

If you want a plan that can work and the only one that will work, follow the advice the others have given you. Give her space. You cannot force her to remember, you cannot change her mind for her. Anything that you do to remind will aggravate the situation. I am telling you this from having stood in her shoes before, do not give her the letters, the photos, no calls and no begging.

I know that your heart is telling you above all things not to let her go, not to leave her alone and that if you pour your heart out to her that she will see how the relationship can work. This is a time I have to tell you not to listen to your heart.

This is a common subject on this forum and I am speaking to you from experience, ANY CONTACT THAT YOU MAKE AT THIS POINT WILL MAKE IT WORSE. The more you bombard her, pester her, call her, beg her, the more she will not want to see you at all.

She may never come back to you, but she may find that if you are suddenly gone she really does love you. People get back together all the time, it happens, but you have to play your cards right. Think of giving her space as a strategy for winning her back. While you are at it, go out and have some fun with your friends. Start having more fun than you have ever had in your life....a guy moping around for you is not a guy that woos you back.

Here is your new plan of attack:
1) Open up the curtains
2) Steel yourself and DO NOT CONTACT HER, (AT ALL!) When you feel yourself weakening get back on the forum and we will remind you why you can't contact her.
3) Call your friends and make plans to go out this weekend
4) Look into some sort of new hobby (try metal sculpting or woodworking or a musical instrument, anything). Get involved in something...Mostly be a person that you admire and she will admire you for it. You have to make yourself attractive.
4) If you go the gym regularly keep at it, If not, get in there now. Getting in shape is good for the self-esteem, self confidence, and the exercise actually helps fight depression.
5) You are going to be fine. One way or another things will work out and you are still going to go on and have a great life. Start that great life today and maybe your girl will want to be a part of it.

We are all here for you and know just where you're at. Keep us posted.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by misombra

we should all write a book about the 'no contact' thing. we'd make bucks people.

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oh dear misombra...too bad we weren't the ones that came up with it. We just follow it and hope everyone follows in our footsteps.

But to reiterate. NO CONTACT

Cdoc

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bluesummer

Constantly calling her or seeing her is like picking a scab off a wound.....you're just going to cause yourself more pain and you have to start the healing process over again.

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...yummeh :bored:

Thanks for all the attention and advises guys. But erm... i think its a man ego thing, i don't think i'm begging or maybe to a certain extend(just alittle). I'm not throwing memories at her to 'beg' her to stay or maybe just a little. I'm so confused, i just know that i have to meet her one last time... I do agree on the NO CONTACT stuff, i don't know if i'll be able to do it but i'll try only after i meet her... I feel that there is still unfinish business in the relationship and i just can't lay it to reat like that.. maybe i'm really in a state of self denial.

Wow cycletease! This goes on my list of "shortcut links."

Yep, there it goes.

Right on it...

*yawn* But seriously, good advice.

*watches it go...* o_O

*also yawns* DAMN YOU!